Compère: Hello, good evening, and welcome to yet another
edition of 'Interesting People'. And my first interesting person
tonight is the highly interesting Mr. Howard Stools from Kendal in
(He puts a matchbox on desk in front of him. He presses a
button on the desk and we hear applause. Releases button; applause
stops abruptly. He opens the box a little and speaks into it.)
Compère: Good evening Mr. Stools.
Voice: (from inside box) Hello, David.
Compère: Mr. Stools, what makes you particularly
Voice: Well, I'm only half an inch long.
Compère: Well that's extremely interesting, thank you for
coming along on the show tonight Mr. Stools.
Mr. Stools: I thought you'd think that was interesting
David, in fact...
Compère: (shuts matchbox; applause) Mr. Alan Stools
from Kendal in Westmorland .. · half an inch long. (applause)
Our next guest tonight has come all the way from Egypt, he's just
flown into London today, he's Mr. All Bayan, he's with us in the
studio tonight and he's stark raving mad.
(Applause. Cut to Ali Bayan who looks at camera in a very mad
Compère: Mr. All Bayan, stark raving mad. Now it's time
for our music spot and we turn the spotlight tonight on the Rachel
Toovey Bicycle Choir, (applause) with their fantastic
arrangement of 'Men of Harlech' for bicycle bells only.
(Cut to six men in oilskins and sou'westers. They sing 'Hen of
Harlech ', and at the end of each line mournfully ring bells.
Applause at end.)
Compère: The Rachel Toovey Bicycle Choir. Really
interesting. Remember, if you're interesting and want to appear on
this program, write your name and address and your telephone number
and send it to this address: (reads caption) The BBC, c/o E.
F. Lutt, x8 Rupee Buildings, West 12. (applause) Thank you,
thank you. Now here's an interesting person. Apart from being a
full-time stapling machine, he can also give a cat influenza.
(Cut to a smart dressed man who coughs into a cat basket. We
hear a meow and a feline sneeze. Cut back to Compère.)
Compère: Well, you can't get much more interesting than
that, or can you? With me now is Mr. Thomas Walters of West
Hartlepool who is totally invisible. Good evening, Mr. Walters.
(turns to empty chair)
Walters: (off-screen) Over here, Hughie.
Compère turns to find a boringly dressed man sitting by him.
Compère: Mr. Walters, are you sure you're invisible?
Walters: Oh yes, most certainly.
Compère: Well, Mr. Walters, what's it like being
Walters: (slowly and boringly) Well, for a start,
at the office where I work I can be sitting at my desk all day and
the others totally ignore me. At home, even though we are in the
same room, my wife does not speak to me for hours, people pass me by
in the street without a glance in my direction, and I can walk into
a room without...
Compère: Well, whilst we've got interesting people, we met
Mr. Oliver Cavendish who...
Walters: (droning on) ... Even now you yourself,
you do hardly notice me...
Compère: Mr. Oliver Cavendish of Leicester, who claims to
be able to recite the entire Bible in one second, whilst being
struck on the head with a large axe. Ha, ha, wow. We've since
discovered that he was a fraud, yes a fraud, he did not in fact
recite the entire Bible he merely recited the first two words, 'In
the...' before his death.
(Cut to film montage of sporting clips.)
Compère: (voice over) Now it's time for 'Interesting
Sport', and this week it's all-in cricket, live from the Municipal
(Boxing ring; two fully kitted out cricketers, who as the bell
goes, approach each other and start hitting each other with cricket
Compère: With me now is Mr. Ken Dove, twice voted the most
interesting man in Dotking. Ken, I believe you're interested in
Dove: (shouting) Yes, I'm interested in shouting
all right, by jove you certainly hit the nail on the head with that
particular observation of yours then.
Compère: What does your wife think of this?
Wife: (voice off, full-blooded) I agree with him.
Dove: Shut up!
Walters: ... At parties for instance people never come up
to me, I just sit there and everybody totally...
(Man holding cat enters.)
Compère: That is Tiddles, I believe?
Man: Yes, this is, this is Tiddles.
Compère: Yes, and what does she do?
Man: She flies across the studio and lands in a bucket of
Compère: By herself?
Man: No, I fling her,
Compère: Well that's extremely interesting, Ladies and
gentlemen - Mr. Don Savage and Tiddles.
(Man whirls the at round and round He lets go of the cat, it
flies across studio. A hollow splash and a meow. Quick shot of a
real cat sitting in a bucket.)
Dove: (shouting) I'm more interesting than a wet
Walters: ... for hour after hour... (we see only his
Compère: Yes, great, well now for the first lime on
television 'Interesting People' brings you a man who claims he can
send bricks to sleep by hypnosis. Mr. Keith Maniac from Guatemala.
(Maniac is sitting by Compère. He wears a top hat and an opera
Maniac: Good evening.
Compère: Keith, you claim you can send bricks to sleep.
Maniac: Yes, that is correct, I can...
Compère: Entirely by hypnosis.
Maniac: Yes ... I use no artificial means, whatsoever.
(leans and picks matchbox off desk to light pipe, opens it and
Voice: (from matchbox) Aaagh!
Dove: You've injured Mr. Stools!
Maniac: (picks up other box and lights pipe) I
simply stare at the brick and it goes to sleep.
Compère: Well, we have a brick here, Keith. (indicates
brick on desk) Perhaps you can send it to sleep for us...
Maniac: Oh ... Ah, well, I am afraid that is already
Compère: How do you know?
Maniac: Well, it's not moving ....
Compère: Oh, I see - have we got a moving brick? Yes,
we've got a moving brick, Keith, it's coming over now.
(We see a man in a white coat preparing to throw brick. He
throws it gently. It lands on the desk in front of Keith. Keith
stares at it as it falls.)
Maniac: There we are, fast asleep.
Compère: Very good, very good indeed.
Maniac: All done with the eyes.
Compère: Yes, Mr. Keith Maniac from Guatemala.
Dove: (distressed - to matchbox) Mr. Stools - speak
to me, Howard.
(Quick cut back to all-in cricket.)
Compère: Mr. Keith Maniac of Guatemala... and now four
(Cut to film of four undertakers struggling up a hill carrying
a coffin. One staggers and drops. The others lower the coffin, pick
him up, and place him inside. Raising the coffin again they stagger
off up the hill. Another undertaker collapses; the remaining two
place him in the coffin. Exhaustedly they pick up the coffin, but
have only gone two or three paces when one of them collapses. The
remaining one drags him into the coffin, pushing him in with some
difficulty, and forces the lid shut. He debates with himself fir a
moment on how to pick up the coffin, then disgustedly throws away
his hat and climbs into the coffin, shutting the lid behind him. The
coffin moves off by itself.)
Voice Over: We interrupt this very quickly to take you
back to the Jimmy Buzzard interview, where we understand something
exciting's just happened.
(Cut back to the interview studio; Jimmy Buzzard is sitting on
Buzzard: I've fallen off my chair, Brian.
(Cut to a graveyard. The coffin, still moving of its own
volition, enters the graveyard. A vicar walks up and motions
gravediggers (who we cannot see) to get out of the grave. Out of the
grave climb two gravediggers. . . then two more... then two more...
yet another two... two miners ... two uniformed men... a police dog
with handler... and finally an Australian surfboarder. The coffin
makes its way into the grave. Then a wonderful piece of animation by
the amazing animator Terry Gilliam, wonderboy. Consisting of a very
fast collage of extremely sexy stills of half-dressed and naked