(Two chairs in interview set. Smart interviewer and footballer
who is not over bnght in blazer.)
Interviewer: From the plastic arts we turn to football.
Last night in the Stadium of Light, Jarrow, we witnessed the
resuscitation of a great footballing tradition, when Jarrow United
came of age, in a European sense, with an almost Proustian display
of modern existentialist football. Vimally annihilating by midfield
moral argument the now surely obsolescent catennachio defensive
philosophy of Signor Alberto Fanffino. Bologna indeed were a side
intellectually out argued by a Jarrow team thrusting and bursting
with aggressive Kantian positivism and outstanding in this fine
Jarrow team was my man of the match, the arch-thinker, free
scheming, scarcely ever to be curbed, midfield coguoscento, Jimmy
Buzzard.
Buzzard: Good evening Brian.
Interviewer: Jimmy, at least one ageing football
commentator was gladdened last night by the sight of an English
footballer breaking free of the limpid tentacles of packed
Mediterranean defense.
Buzzard: Good evening Brian.
Interviewer: Were you surprised at the way the Italian
ceded midfield dominance so early on in the game?
Buzzard: Well Brian... I'm opening a boutique.
Interviewer: This is of course symptomatic of a new breed
of footballer as it is indeed symptomatic of your whole genre of
player, is it not?
Buzzard: Good evening Brian.
Interviewer: What I'm getting at, Jimmy, is you seem to
have discovered a new concept with a mode in which you dissected the
Italian defense, last night.
Buzzard: (pauses for thought) I hit the ball first
time and there it was in the back of the net. (smiles and looks
round)
Interviewer: Do you think Jarrow will adopt a more
defensive posture for the first leg of the next tie in Turkey?
Buzzard: (confidently) I hit the ball first time
and there it was in the back of the net.
Interviewer: Yes, yes - but have you any plans for dealing
with the free-scoring Turkish forwards?
Buzzard: Well Brian... I'm opening a boutique.
(Cut to undertaker.)
Second Undertaker: And now let's take a look at the state
of play in the detective sketch.
(Cut to drawing room. There is an enormous pile of dead
policemen from the Agatha Christie Sketch on and around the sofa.)
Constable: Alself me to introlow mybody...
(Inspector shoots him in the head. Caption on Screen:
'CONSTABLES 13 SUPERINTENDENTS 9')
(Cut to four undertakers carrying a coffin up a hill. One of
them falters and drops. The others lower the coffin to the Found,
take out afresh undertaker, put the fallen one in the coffin, and
proceed.)