(Sketch opens with a scene of a drawing room of large English
country house. Sitting around are various standard Agatha Christie
type characters, Colonel Pickering, Lady Amanda Velloper, Kirt,
Anona Winn. They drink tea, read etc. Outside there is thunder.
Inspector Tiger enters the room.)
Inspector Tiger: This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I
must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody ... no,
I must ask everybody to... I must not ask anyone to leave the room.
No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask
the room to leave. I ... I ... ask the room shall by someone be
left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave
the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in
it. Phew. Understand?
Colonel Picketing: You don't want anybody to leave the
Inspector Tiger: (clicking fingers to indicate Colond
Pickering has hit the nail on the head) Now, alduce me to
introlow myslef. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow myslef.
Introme -to-lose mlow alself. Alme to you introselff mylowduce.
Excuse me a moment. (bangs himself on the side of the head)
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afraid I must ask that no one
leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger.
Inspector Tiger: (jumping) Where? Where? What? Ah.
Me Tiger. You Jane. Grrr. Beg your pardon, allow me to introduce
myself I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room.
Lady Velloper: Why not?
Inspector Tiger: Elementary. Since the body was found in
this room, and no one has left it. Therefore ... the murderer must
be somebody in this room.
Colonel Pickering: What body?
Inspector Tiger: Somebody. In this room. Must the murderer
be. The murderer of the body is somebody in this room, which nobody
must leave... leave the body in the room not to be left by anybody.
Nobody leaves anybody or the body with somebody. Everybody who is
anybody shall leave the body in the room body. Take the tablets
Tiger. Anybody (as he searches for the tablets) with a body
but not the body is nobody. Nobody leaves the body in the ... (he
takes the tablet) Albody me introbody albodyduce.
(At this moment a surgeon enters with two nurses and starts to
operate on his head with sawing noises. Caption on the screen: 'THE
SAME DRAWING ROOM. ONE LOBOTOMY LATER'. The surgeon is packing up.
Inspeaor Tiger's head is bandaged.)
Surgeon: Now for Sir Gerald.
Inspector: That's better, now I'm Inspector Tiger and I
must ask that nobody leave the room. (he gives thumbs up to the
surgeon who is at door) Now someone has committed a murder here,
and that murderer is someone in this room. The question is ... who?
Colonel Pickering: Look, there hasn't been a murder.
Inspector Tiger: No murder.
Inspector Tiger: Oh. I don't like it. It's too simple, too
clear cut. I'd better wait. (he sin on sofa) No, too simple,
too clear cut.
(The lights go out. There is a scream followed by a shot. The
light goes up. Inspector Tiger is dead. He has a bullet hole in his
forehead, an arrow through his neck and there is a bottle marked
poison on his lap.)
Colonel Picketing: By jove, he was right.
(Chief Superintendent Lookout enters, with constable.)
Lookout: This house is surrounded. I must ask that no one
leave the room. I'm Chief Superintendent Lookout.
Lady Velloper: Look out?
Lookout: (jumping) What, where, oh, me, Lookout.
Lookout of the Yard.
Lady Velloper: Why, what would we see?
Lookout: I'm sorry?
Lady Velloper: What would we see if we look out of the
Lookout: . .. I'm afraid I don't follow that at all. Ah
ha. The body. So the murderer must be somebody in this room. Unless
he had very long arms. Say thirty or forty feet. I think we can
discount that one. Ha, ha, ha, (he starts really laughing)
Lookout of the Yard. Very good. Right. Now, we'll reconstruct the
crime. I'll sit down here. Constable, you turn off the lights.
(lights go out, we hear Lookout's voice) Good. Now then, there
was a scream (scream) then just before the lights went up
there was a shot.
(There is a shot. The lights go up and Chief Superintendent
Lookout is sitting dead, bullet hole, arrow and all. In walks
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer.)
Theresamanbehindyer: All right... all right, the house is
surrounded and nobody leave the room and all the rest of it. Allow
me to introduce myself. I'm Assistant Chief Constable
Theresamanbehindyer: Ah, you're not going to catch me with
an old one like that. Right let's reconstruct the crime. Constable
you be Inspector Tiger.
Constable: Right, sir. Nobody leave the room ask shall -
somebody I leave nobody in the room body shall, take the tablets
Tigerbody. Alself me to my duce introlow left body in the roomself.
Theresamanbehindyer: Very good. Just sit down there. Right
now we'll pretend the lights have gone out. Constable, you scream.
(constable screams) Somebody shoots you (pulls gun and
shoots constable through head) and the door opens...
(The door flies open. Enter policeman.)
Fire: Nobody move! I'm Chief Constable Fire.
All: Fire! Where?
(He jumps. Immediately cut to undertaker as
Second Undertaker: We're interrupting this sketch but
we'll be bringing you back the moment' anything interesting happens.
Meanwhile here are some friends of mine.
(Film of four undertakers carrying a coffin. They
surreptitiously tip the body out of the coffin and go skipping
lightly up the road. Letter and voice over.)
Voice Over: Dear Sir, I'm sorry this letter is late, it
should have come at the beginning of the program. Yours, Ivor
Bigbottle, (age two).