(Cut to interview room in town hall: a tweedy colonel type
chairman; next to hint a vicar and a lady with a pence-nez. The
chairman is holding up the picture of Caesar. As the camera pulls
out he rather obviously throws it away.)
Vicar: Here what was that picture?
Chairman: Ssh! Next! (a gorilla enters) Good
morning - Mr. Phipps?
Gorilla: (Eric) That's right, yes.
Chairman: Er, do take a seat.
Gorilla: Right sir. (sits)
Chairman: Now could you tell us roughly why you want to
become a librarian?
Gorilla: Er, well, I've had a certain amount of experience
running a library at school.
Chairman: Yes, yes. What sort of experience?
Gorilla: Er, well for a time I ran the Upper Science
Chairman: Yes, yes. Now Mr. Phipps, you do realize that
the post of librarian carries with it certain very important
responsibilities. I mean, there's the selection of books, the record
library, and the art gallery. Now it seems to me that your greatest
disadvantage is your lack of professional experience ... coupled
with the fact that, urn, being a gorilla, you would tend to frighten
Vicar: (aside) Isn't he a gorilla?
Chairman: Yes he is.
Vicar: Well why didn't it say on his form that he's a
Chairman: Well, you see applicants are not required to
fill in their species.
Vicar: What was that picture?
Chairman: Sh! ... Mr. Phipps, what is your attitude toward
censorship in a public library?
Gorilla: How do you mean, sir?
Vicar: Well I mean for instance, would you for instance
stock 'Last Exit to Brooklyn'... or ... 'Groupie'?
Gorilla: Yes, I think so.
Chairman: Yes, well, that seems to me to be very sensible
Mr. Phipps. I can't pretend that this library hasn't had its
difficulties ... Mr. Robertson, your predecessor, an excellent
librarian, savaged three people last week and had to be destroyed.
Gorilla: I'm sorry sir.
Chairman: Oh, no, don't be sorry. You see, I don't believe
that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence,
and that's been the main reason for our policy of employing wild
animals as librarians.
Vicar: And also, they're much more permissive. Pumas keep
Hank Janson on open shelves...
Chairman: Yes. Yes. Yes. (a maniacal look in his eyes)
Yes, yes Mr. Phipps. I love seeing the customers when they come in
to complain about some book being damaged, and ask to see the chief
librarian and then ... you should see their faces when the proud
beast leaps from his tiny office, snatches the book from their hands
and sinks his fangs into their soft er ... (collects himself)
Mr. Phipps ... Kong! You can be our next librarian - you're proud
majestic and fierce enough ... will you do it?
Gorilla: I ... don't think I can sir.
Vicar: Why not?
Gorilla: I.. I'm not really a gorilla...
Gorilla: I'm a librarian in a skin ...
Chairman: Why this deception?
Gorilla: Well, they said it was the best way to get the
Chairman: Get out, Mr. Librarian Phipps, seeing as you're
not a gorilla, but only dressed up as one, trying to deceive us in
order to further your career ... (gorilla leaves) Next. (a
dog comes in) Ah. Mr. Pattinson ... Sit!
(Cut to angry letters.)