Please note that this sketch is a follow on from the 'Man
Turns into Scotsman' sketch.
(Cut to commentator in his box at Wimbledon.)
Commentator: Well, here at Wimbledon, it's been a most
extraordinary week's tennis. The blancmanges have swept the board,
winning match after match. Here are just a few of the results:
Billie-Jean King eaten in straight sets, Laver smothered whole after
winning the first set, and Poncho Gonzales, serving as well as I've
never seen him, with some superb volleys and decisive return volleys
off the back hand, was sucked through the net at match point and
swallowed whole in just under two minutes. And so, here on the final
day, there seems to be no players left to challenge the blancmanges.
And this could be their undoing, Dan: as the rules of Wimbledon
state quite clearly that there must be at least one human being
concerned in the final. (we see a three-foot- high blancmange
being shepherded onto a tennis court by a Scotsman) Well the
blancmange is coming out onto the pitch now, and (suddenly
exalted) there is a human with it It's Angus Podgorny! The
plucky little Scottish tailor ... upon whom everything depends. And
so it's Podgorny versus blancmange in this first ever Intergalactic
(Cut to the centre court at Wimbledon or if we can't get it,
number one will do. Blancmange and Podgorny on opposite sides net.
Another blancmange sitting in umpire's chair. Blancmange serves... a
real sizzling ace. Podgorny, who in any case is quivering with fear,
doesn't see it.)
Commentator's Voice: And it's blancmange to serve and it's
a good one.
Blancmange Umpire: Blurb blurble blurb.
Voice Over: Fifteen love.
(Blancmange serves again, and again Podgorny misses hopelessly
and pathetically. Collage of speeded-up versions of blancmange
sewing and Podgorny missing. Cut to scoreboard:
Cut back to the court. Podgorny is serving and each time he
fails to hit the ball altogether.)
Commentator's Voice: And Podgorny fails to even hit
the ball ... but this is no surprise as he hasn't hit the ball
once throughout this match. So it's 72 match points to the
blancmange now... Podgorny prepares to serve again.
(Podgorny fails to serve and we see the scoreboard:)
BLANCMANGE: 6 6 5 40
PODGORNY: 0 0
Commentator's Voice: This is indeed a grim day for
the human race, Dan.
(Just as Podgorny is about to serve we see Mr. and
Mrs. Brainsample jump onto the court brandishing forks and
spoons and with napkins tucked into their necks.)
Commentator's Voice: But what's this? Two
spectators have rushed onto the pitch with spoons and
forks... what are they going to do?
(Cut to laboratory.)
Charles: They mean to eat the blancmange.
(The girl pulls herself up from where she was slumped
by microscope. He knocks her out again with a sand-filled
sock. Cut back to Wimbledon. Mr. and Mrs. Brainsample
chasing blancmange and eating it.)
Commentator's Voice: And they're eating the
blancmange ... Yes! The blancmange is leaving the court...
it's abandoning the game! This is fantastic!
(Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Brainsample covered in bits of
blancmange and licking their fingers.)
American Voice: Yes it was Mr. and Mrs. Samuel
Brainsample, who, after only a brief and misleading
appearance in the early part of the film, returned to save
the Earth ... but why?
Mr. Brainsample: Oh, well you see we love
blancmanges. My wife makes them.
American Voice: She makes blancmanges that size?
Mr. Brainsample: Oh, yes. You see we're from the
planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda, and they're all
that size there. We tried to tell you at the beginning of
the film but you just panned off us.
(Cut back to Podgorny on court still trying to serve;
at last he makes contact and runs backward and forward to
receive his own services.)
American Voice: So the world was saved! And Angus
Podgomy became the first Scotsman to win Wimbledon...
fifteen years later.
(Caption on screen : 'YOU'RE NO FUN ANYMORE')