(Stock film of the army. Tanks rolling, troops moving forward
etc. Stirring military music.)
Voice Over: In 1943, a group of British Army Officers
working deep behind enemy lines, carried out one of the most
dangerous and heroic raids in the history of warfare. But that's as
maybe. And now . . .
(Superimposed Caption on Screen : 'AND NOW . . . UNOCCUPIED
Cut to colonel's office. Colonel is seated at desk.)
Colonel: Come in, what do you want?
(Private Watkins enters and salutes.)
Watkins: I'd like to leave the army please, sir.
Colonel: Good heavens man, why?
Watkins: It's dangerous.
Watkins: There are people with guns out there, sir.
Watkins: Real guns, sir. Not toy ones, sir. Proper ones,
sir. They've all got 'em. All of 'em, sir. And some of 'em have got
Colonel: Watkins, they are on our side.
Watkins: And grenades, sir. And machine guns, sir. So I'd
like to leave, sir, before I get killed, please.
Colonel: Watkins, you've only been in the army a day.
Watkins: I know sir but people get killed, properly dead,
sir, no barley cross fingers, sir. A bloke was telling me, if you're
in the army and there's a war you have to go and fight.
Colonel: That's true.
Watkins: Well I mean, blimey, I mean if it was a big war
somebody could be hurt.
Colonel: Watkins why did you join the army?
Watkins: For the water-skiing and for the travel, sir. And
not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir -
Colonel: Watkins are you a pacifist?
Watkins: No sir, I'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward.
Colonel: That's a very silly line. Sit down.
Watkins: Yes sir. Silly, sir. (sits in corner)
Colonel: Awfully bad.
(Knock at the door, sergeant enters, and salutes.)
Sergeant: Two civilian gentlemen to see you ... sir!
Colonel: Show them in please, sergeant.
Sergeant: Mr. Dino Vercotti and Mr. Luigi Vercotti.
(The Vercotti brothers enter. They wear Mafia suits and dark
Dino: Good morning, Colonel.
Colonel: Good morning gentlemen. Now what can I do for
Luigi: (looking round office casually) You've ...
you've got a nice army base here, Colonel.
Luigi: We wouldn't want anything to happen to it.
Dino: No, what my brother means is it would be a shame
if... (he knocks something off mantel)
Dino: Oh sorry, Colonel.
Colonel: Well don't worry about that. But please do sit
Luigi: No, we prefer to stand, thank you, Colonel.
Colonel: All right. All right. But what do you want?
Dino: What do we want, ha ha ha.
Luigi: Ha ha ha, very good, Colonel.
Dino: The Colonel's a joker, Luigi.
Luigi: Explain it to the Colonel, Dino.
Dino: How many tanks you got, Colonel?
Colonel: About five hundred altogether.
Luigi: Five hundred! Hey!
Dino: You ought to be careful, co1onel.
Colonel: We arc careful, extremely careful.
Dino: 'Cos things break, don't they?
Luigi: Well everything breaks, don't it colonel. (he
breaks something on desk) Oh dear.
Dino: Oh see my brother's clumsy Colonel, and when he gets
unhappy he breaks things. Like say, he don't feel the army's playing
fair by him, he may start breaking things, Colonel.
Colonel: What is all this about?
Luigi: How many men you got here, Colonel?
Colonel: Oh, er ... seven thousand infantry, six hundred
artillery, and er, two divisions of paratroops.
Luigi: Paratroops, Dino.
Dino: Be a shame if someone was to set fire to them.
Colonel: Set fire to them?
Luigi: Fires happen, Colonel.
Dino: Things burn.
Colonel: Look, what is all this about?
Dino: My brother and I have got a little proposition for
Luigi: Could save you a lot of bother.
Dino: I mean you're doing all right here aren't you,
Luigi: Well suppose some of your tanks was to get broken
and troops started getting lost, er, fights started breaking out
during general inspection, like.
Dino: It wouldn't be good for business would it, Colonel?
Colonel: Are you threatening me?
Dino: Oh, no, no, no.
Luigi: Whatever made you think that, Colonel?
Dino: The Colonel doesn't think we're nice people, Luigi.
Luigi: We're your buddies, Colonel.
Dino: We want to look after you.
Colonel: Look after me?
Luigi: We can guarantee you that not a single armored
division will get done over for fifteen bob a week.
Colonel: No, no, no.
Luigi: Twelve and six.
Colonel: No, no, no.
Luigi: Eight and six ... five bob...
Colonel: No, no this is silly.
Dino: What's silly?
Colonel: No, the whole premise is silly and it's very
badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I haven't had a funny
line yet. So I'm stopping it.
Dino: You can't do that!
Colonel: I've done it. The sketch is over.
Watkins: I want to leave the army please sir, it's
Colonel: Look, I stopped your sketch five minutes ago. So
get out of shot. Right director! Close up. Zoom in on me. (camera
zooms in) That's better.
Luigi: (off screen) It's only 'cos you couldn't
think of a punch line.
Colonel: Not true, not true. It's time for the cartoon.
Cue telecine, ten, nine, eight...
(Cut to telecine countdown.)
Dino: (off screen) The general public's not going
to understand 'this, are they?
Colonel: (off screen) Shut up you eyeties!