(Cut to a night school Teacher looking down out of classroom
window. He crosses to a long wall blackboard with line of pigs drawn
on near end. He crosses one off, walks along blackboard to other end
which has written on it 'evening classes 7-8 p.m. '. He writes
'Italian' below this and turns to camera.)
Teacher: Ah - good evening everyone, and welcome to the
second of our Italian language classes, in which we'll be helping
you brush up your Italian. Last week we started at the beginning,
and we learnt the Italian for a 'spoon'. Now, I wonder how many of
you can remember what it was?
(Shout of 'Si, Si, Si,' from the class whom we see are all
Teacher: Not all at once ... sit down Mario. Giuseppe!
Giuseppe: II cucchiaio.
Teacher: Well done Giuseppe, or, as the Italians would
say: 'Molto bene, Giuseppe'.
Giuseppe: Grazie signor ... grazie di tutta la sua
Teacher: Well, now, this week we're going to learn some
useful phrases to help us open a conversation with an Italian. Now
first of all try telling him where you come from. For example, I
would say: 'Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross', I am an Englishman
from Gerrard's Cross. Shall we all try that together?
All: Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross.
Teacher: Not too bad, now let's try it with somebody else.
Er... Mr... ?
Teacher: Ah, Mr. Mariolini, and where are you from?
Mariolini: Napoli, signor.
Teacher: Ah ... you're an Italian.
Mariolini: Si, si signor!
Teacher: Well in that case you would say: 'Sono Italiano
Mariolini: Ah, capisco, mile grazie signor...
Francesco: Per favore, signor!
Francesco: Non conosgeve parliamente, signor devo me parlo
sono Italiano di Napoli quando il habitare de Milano.
Teacher: I'm sorry ... I don't understand!
Giuseppe: (pointing to Francesco) My friend say
'Why must he say...'
(Hand goes up at back of room and a Lederhosen Teutonic figure
Helmut: Bitte mein Herr. Was ist das Won für Mittelschmerz?
Teacher: Ah! Helmut - you want the German classes.
Helmu: Oh ja! Danke schön. (he starts to leave) Ah
das deutsche Klassenzimmer... Ach! (he leaves)
Giuseppe: My friend he say, 'Why must I say I am Italian
from Napoli when he lives in Milan?'
Teacher: Ah, I... well, tell your friend ... if he lives
in Milan he must say 'Sono Italiano di Milano...'
Francesco: (agitatedly, leaping to his feet)
Eeeeeee! Milano è tanto meglio di Napoli. Milano è la citta la più
bella di tutti ... nel mondo...
Giuseppe: He say 'Milan is better than Napoil'.
Teacher: Oh, he shouldn't be saying that, we haven't done
(In the background everyone has stared talking in agitated
Italian. At this point a genuine mandolin-playing Italian secreted
amongst the cast strikes up: 'Quando Caliente Del Sol...' or
similar. The class is out of control by this time. The teacher
helplessly tries to control them but eventually gives up and
retreats to his desk and sits down. There is a loud pig squeal and
he leaps up.)