The Meaning of Life Script

Part V: Live Organ Transplants

The sketch:

[Jewish music-- 'Hava Nagila']

ANNOUNCER: The Meaning of Life: Part Five: Live Organ Transplants.
[ding dong]

MR. BROWN: [cough] Don't worry, dear! I'll get it! [cough]
[ding dong ding dong]
[ding dong ding dong]

MR. BROWN: Yes?

MAN: Hello. Uhh, can we have your liver?

MR. BROWN: My what?

MAN: Your liver. It's a large, ehh, glandular organ in your abdomen.

ERIC: [sniff]

MAN: You know, it's, uh,-- it's reddish-brown. It's sort of, uhh,--

MR. BROWN: Yeah,-- y-- y-- yeah, I know what it is, but... I'm using it, eh.

ERIC: Come on, sir.

MR. BROWN: Hey! Hey! Stop!

ERIC: Don't muck us about.

MR. BROWN: Stop! Hey! Hey! Stop it. Hey!

MAN: Hallo.

MR. BROWN: Ge-- get off.

MAN: What's this, then? Mmh.

MR. BROWN: A liver donor's card.

MAN: Need we say more?

ERIC: No!

MR. BROWN: Listen! I can't give it to you now. It says, 'in the event of death'. Uh. Oh! Ah. Ah. Eh.

MAN: No one who has ever had their liver taken out by us has survived.

MR. BROWN: Agh.

ERIC: Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Zip it up.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: 'Ere. What's going on?

MAN: Uh, he's donating his liver, madam.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: Is this because he took out one of those silly cards?

MAN: That's right, madam.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: Typical of him!

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: He goes down to the public library, he sees a few signs up, comes home all full of good intentions.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: He gives blood. He does cold research. All that sort of thing.

MAN: Oh.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

ERIC: Ehh.

MRS. BROWN: What do you, uh,-- what do you do with them all, anyway?

ERIC: They all go to saving lives, madam.

MRS. BROWN: Mmm. That's what he used to say. 'It's all for the good of the country' he used to say.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: Do you think it's all for the good of the country?

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Hm?

MRS. BROWN: Do you think it's all for the good of the country?

MAN: Well, I wouldn't know about that, madam. We're just, uh, doing our jobs, you know.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: You're not... doctors, then?

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Oh. Blimey no.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN and ERIC: [laughing]

YOUNG MAN: Mum. Dad. I'm off out now. I'll see you about seven.

MAN and ERIC: [laughing]

MRS. BROWN: Right-o, son. Look after yourself.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Oh. Now.

ERIC: M-hmm.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: Do you, um,...

ERIC: [mumble]

MAN: Carry on.

MRS. BROWN: ...fancy a cup of tea?

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Oh, well, that would be very nice.

MRS. BROWN: Oh.

MAN: Thank you.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Thank you very much, madam.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Thank you.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Oh, eh,-- I thought she'd never ask.

ERIC: You know it.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Uhh, you do realize, uh, he has to be, uh,... well, dead,... by the terms of the card, uh, before he donates his liver.

MRS. BROWN: Well, I told him that, but he never listens to me. Silly man!

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Only I was wondering, ehh,... well, you know, what you was thinking of doing after that. I mean, [sniff] will you stay on your own,... or is there, uh,... well, someone else, sort of, uh,... on the horizon?

MRS. BROWN: I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime.

MAN: Not at all. You're a very attractive woman.

MRS. BROWN: Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again.

MAN: Sure?

MRS. BROWN: Sure.
[pause]

MAN: Can we have your liver, then?

MRS. BROWN: Oh. No, I'd be... scared.

MAN: All right.
[snap]
I'll tell you what. Look. Listen to this.
[music]

MAN IN PINK:
Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown,
And things seem hard or tough,
[clunk]
And people are stupid, obnoxious, or daft,
And you feel that you've had quite enough,
[boom]

[singing]
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.
[boom]
[slurp]

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.
[clunk]

MRS. BROWN: [sigh] Makes you feel so, sort of, insignificant, doesn't it?

MAN: Yeah. Yeah. [sniff] Can we have your liver, then?

MRS. BROWN: Yeah. All right. You talked me into it.

MAN: Eric!
[clap]
[music]

CHAIRMAN: ...Which brings us once again to the urgent realization of just how much there is still left to own. Item six on the agenda: the meaning of life. Now, uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.

HARRY: That's right. Yeah, I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and, uh, what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One: people are not wearing enough hats. Two: matter is energy. In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this soul does not exist ab initio, as orthodox Christianity teaches. It has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved, owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.
[pause]

BERT: What was that about hats, again?

HARRY: Oh, uh, people aren't wearing enough.

CHAIRMAN: Is this true?

EDMUND: Certainly. Hat sales have increased, but not pari passu, as our research initially--

BERT: But when you say 'enough', enough for what purpose?

GUNTHER: Can I just ask, with reference to your second point, when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted,...
[rumble]
...has anyone noticed that building there before?

RANDOM: Ohh.

RANDOM: My God!

CHAIRMAN: Good Lord!
[crash]
[exciting music]
[crash]

EVERYONE: [mumbling]
[crash]

CRIMSON PERMANENT ASSURANCE PIRATE: Aaaaah!
[crash]

CHAIRMAN: Good Lord! The Crimson Permanent Assurance!

PROJECTIONIST: We interrupt this film to apologise for this unwarranted attack by the supporting feature. Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality, and are now taking steps to remedy it.
[creak]
[boom]
Thank you.

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