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The Meaning of Life Script

The Adventures of Martin Luther

The sketch:

[music]

NARRATOR #1: The Adventures of Martin Luther,... an exciting and controversial examination of the Protestant reformer whose re-assessment of the role of the individual in Christian belief shook the foundations of a post-feudal Germany in the grip of the sixteenth century. It was a day much like any other in the quiet little town of Wittenberg. Mamie Meyer was preparing fat for the evening meal when the full force of the Reformation struck.

HYMIE MEYER: Mamie! Martin Luther's out!

MAMIE MEYER: Ohh! Martin Luther! Mmh.

HYMIE: Huhh.

MAMIE: Did you get the suet, Hymie?

HYMIE: Oy veh! The suet I clean forgot. Look out; here he comes!

MAMIE: Girls! Girls!

HYMIE: Mmhm...

MAMIE: Your father forgot the suet!

AUDREY MEYER: Ooohhhh.

MYRTLE MEYER: Ohh.

HYMIE: Hello, Martin.

MARTIN LUTHER: H-- How-- Where's the john?

HYMIE: Uh, we don't have one.

AUDREY and MYRTLE: [giggling]

MARTIN: Hhh! Do you need any cleaning inside?

HYMIE: Oh, no. Today it's all going fine.

MARTIN: Ahhh. Oh, well, uh, how's about showing me the cutlery?

HYMIE: Martin, I got a woman and children in there.

MARTIN: So! There's no problem. I just look at a few spoons, uh--

HYMIE: Well, I got two girls in there, Martin. You know what I mean.

MARTIN: Honest! I don't look at your girls. I-- I don't think about them. There!
[pat]
I put them out of my mind. Their arms, their necks, their little legs and bosoms, I wipe from my mind!

HYMIE: You just want to see the spoons?

MARTIN: My life! That's what I want to see!

HYMIE: I know I'm going to regret this.

AUDREY: Mhhm.

MAMIE: Shh!

HYMIE: Mamie! Guess who's come to see us?

MAMIE: Hymie! Are you out of your mind, already?! You know how old your daughters are!

HYMIE: He-- He only wants to see the spoons!

MAMIE: Well-- Well, what do you have to bring him into my house for?

HYMIE: Mamie, he doesn't think about girls any more.

MARTIN: Uh, Mrs. Meyer, as far as girls is concerned, I shot my wad.

MAMIE: You shot your wad?

MARTIN: Definitely!

MAMIE: Which spoons do you want to view?

MARTIN: Oh, I guess the soup spoons.

MAMIE: Now they're good spoons!

MARTIN: You got 'em arranged?

MAMIE: No, but I could arrange them for you.

MARTIN: Oh, don't put yourself to no bother, Mrs. Meyer.

MAMIE: It's no bother. I want for you to see these spoons like I would want to see them myself.

MARTIN: Aww, you're too kind, Mrs. Meyer. You could get your, eh, daughters to show me them.
[bang]

MAMIE: Hymie! Get him out of here!

HYMIE: Mamie! Mamie! He only said for Audrey and Myrtle to show him the spoons.

MAMIE: Like you think I'm running some kind of bordello here?!

MARTIN: Mrs. Meyer, how can you say such a thing?

MAMIE: Listen, Martin Luther! I know what you want to do with my girls.

MARTIN: Show me the spoons, ehh?

MAMIE: You want for them to pull up their skirts...

AUDREY and MYRTLE: [giggling]

MAMIE: ...and then lean over a chair with their legs apart.

HYMIE: Mamie, don't get excited.

MAMIE: I'm getting excited?! It's him that's getting excited!

MARTIN: My mind is on the spoons!

MAMIE: But you can't stop thinking of those little girls over the chairs!

HYMIE: Oh, oh, I got to go to the bathroom.

MAMIE: Hymie, I'm a married woman!

HYMIE: So! Just show him the spoons!

MAMIE: And you don't want to put nothing up me?

MARTIN: Mrs. Meyer, you read my mind.
[chorus singing 'Hallelujah']

NARRATOR: Yes, another convert for the Protestants. But despite Luther's efforts to promote the idea of sex for pleasure, children multiplied everywhere.

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