The Meaning of Life Script

Part II: Growth and Learning

The sketch:

ANNOUNCER: The Meaning of Life: Part Two: Growth and Learning.

HUMPHREY WILLIAMS: ...And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour, and so, the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath, by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. Here endeth the lesson.

CHAPLAIN: Let us praise God. O Lord,...

CONGREGATION: O Lord,...

CHAPLAIN: ...ooh, You are so big,...

CONGREGATION: ...ooh, You are so big,...

CHAPLAIN: ...so absolutely huge.

CONGREGATION: ...so absolutely huge.

CHAPLAIN: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

CONGREGATION: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

CHAPLAIN: Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and...

CONGREGATION: And barefaced flattery.

CHAPLAIN: But You are so strong and, well, just so super.

CONGREGATION: Fantastic.

HUMPHREY: Amen.

CONGREGATION: Amen.

HUMPHREY: Now, two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. Now, some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you that it was presented to us by the Corporation of the town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury area who so gallantly gave their lives to keep China British. So, from now on, the cormorant is strictly out of bounds! Oh, and Jenkins, apparently your mother died this morning. Chaplain.
[organ music]

CHAPLAIN and CONGREGATION: [singing]
O Lord, please don't burn us.
Don't grill or toast Your flock.
Don't put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock.
Don't braise or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok.
Oh, please don't lightly poach us
Or baste us with hot fat.
Don't fricassee or roast us
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick Thy servants, Lord,
In a Rotissomat.

[scribble scribble scribble]
[ding]
[ding ding]
[ding ding]

CARTER: He's coming!

PUPILS: [yelling]

HUMPHREY: All right, settle down. Settle down.
[clunk]
Now, before I begin the lesson, will those of you who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down onto the lower peg immediately after lunch, before you write your letter home, if you're not getting your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother who is going out this weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case, collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after you've had your hair cut, and make sure he moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you. Now,--

WYMER: Sir?

HUMPHREY: Yes, Wymer?

WYMER: My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend, sir, but I'm not having my hair cut today, sir.

PUPILS: [chuckling]

WYMER: So, do I move my clothes down, or--

HUMPHREY: I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple. If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes down to the lower peg. You simply collect his note before lunch, after you've done your scripture prep, when you've written your letter home, before rest, move your own clothes onto the lower peg, greet the visitors, and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit signed. Now, sex. Sex, sex, sex. Where were we? [sniff] Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina? [sniff]

PUPILS: Umm. Mmmm.
[silence]

BIGGS: Nnnno, sir.

WATSON: No, sir.

BIGGS: No, sir.

WATSON: No.

PUPILS: No...

WATSON: No.

HUMPHREY: Well, had I done foreplay?
[silence]

PUPILS: Mmmm. Yeah. Yeah...

WATSON: Yes.

BIGGS: Yes, sir.

WATSON: Yes, sir.

HUMPHREY: Ahh, well, as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is,... Biggs.

BIGGS: Uhm-- Don't know. Sorry, sir.

HUMPHREY: Carter.

CARTER: Ah. Uhh, was it taking your clothes off, sir?

HUMPHREY: Well, and-- and after that?

WYMER: Ooh. Putting them on the lower peg, sir?

PUPILS: [chuckling]
[whop]

HUMPHREY: The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate, so that the penis can penetrate more easily.

WATSON: Could we have a window open, please, sir?

HUMPHREY: Yes. Harris, will you? And, of course, to cause the man's penis to erect and har... den! [sniff] Now, did I do vaginal juices last week? Oh, do pay attention, Wadsworth! I know it's Friday after-- Oh, watching the football, are you boy? Right! Move over there. I'm warning you! I may decide to set an exam this term.

WATSON: Oh, sir.

BIGGS: Oh, sir.

PUPILS: Oh, sir...

HUMPHREY: So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not... do... vaginal... juices?

PUPILS: Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

HUMPHREY: Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.

WATSON: R-- rubbing the clitoris, sir?

HUMPHREY: What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.

WYMER: Suck the nipple, sir?

HUMPHREY: Good! Good. Well done, Wymer.

DUCKWORTH: Uh, stroking the thighs, sir.

HUMPHREY: Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Hmm?

PUPIL IN FRONT: Oh, sir. Biting the neck.

HUMPHREY: Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.

WATSON: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

HUMPHREY: Now, all these forms of stimulation can now take place,...
[clunk clunk]
[clunk]
[clunk clunk]
[clunk clunk]
[twong]
...and, of course, tongueing will give you the best idea of how the juices are coming along. Helen! Now, penetration and coitus-- That is to say, intercourse up to, and including, orgasm. Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when my wife enters the room, Carter!

CARTER: Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.

HELEN WILLIAMS: Humphrey, I hope you don't mind, but I told the Garfields we would dine with them tonight.

HUMPHREY: Yes. Yes, well, I suppose we must.

HELEN: And I said we'd be there by eight.

HUMPHREY: Well, at least it'll give me a reason to wind up the staff meeting.

HELEN: Well, I know you don't like them, but I couldn't make another excuse.

HUMPHREY: Well, it's just that I felt n-- Wymer! This is for your benefit. Would you kindly wake up? I've no intention of going through this all again.

WYMER: Ahhh.

HUMPHREY: Uhh, we'll take the foreplay as read, if you don't mind, dear.

HELEN: No, of course not, Humphrey.

HUMPHREY: So, the man starts by entering-- or mounting-- his good lady wife in the standard way. Uh, the penis is now, as you will observe, more or less, fully erect. There we are. Ah, that's better. Now,-- Carter.

CARTER: Yes, sir?

HUMPHREY: What is it?

CARTER: It's an ocarina, sir.

HUMPHREY: Bring it up here. The man now starts making thrusting movements with his pelvic area, moving the penis up and down inside the vagina, so-- Put it there, boy. Put it there on the table.
[clunk]
While the wife maximizes her clitoral stimulation by the shaft of the penis by pushing forward,-- Thank you, dear. Now, as sexual...

BIGGS: [chuckling]

HUMPHREY: ...excitement mounts, uh,-- What's funny, Biggs?

BIGGS: Uh,-- Oh, nothing, sir.

HUMPHREY: Oh, do please share your little joke with the rest of us. I mean, obviously something frightfully funny's going on.

PUPIL: [chuckle]

BIGGS: No. Honestly, sir.

HUMPHREY: Well, as it's so funny, I think you'd better be selected to play for the boys' team in the rugby match against the masters this afternoon!
[morbid music]

BIGGS: Oh, no, sir.
[whistle]
[kick]

CROWD: [cheering]
[whistle whistle]
[applause]

BOY: Ohh! Aaaahh!

HUMPHREY: Well done. Okay.

BOYS: Ohh! Uuhh!

CROWD: [cheering]

BOYS: Uuhh! Aw. Uy! Ahh...
[whistle whistle whistle whistle]
Ooh! Uuhh! Stop him.
[whistle]

CROWD: [cheering]
[boom boom boom...]

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