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The Meaning of Life Script

The Miracle of Birth: Part 2: The Third World

The sketch:

ANNOUNCER: The Miracle of Birth: Part Two: The Third World.

[sombre music]
[bark bark bark bark bark bark]
[quack quack]
[quack quack quack quack quack quack]

DAD: Oh, bloody hell.
[quack quack quack]
[fwump]

BABY: [crying]

MUM: Ohh, get that, would you, Deirdre?

DIERDRE: All right, Mum.

BABY: [crying]
[bark bark bark bark bark bark bark]

CHILDREN: [talking]

MUM: Now, whose teatime is it?

CHILDREN: Mine!

MUM: Come on, now. Out you go. Now, uh, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas, Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique, and Sasha, it's your bedtime.

CHILDREN: Aww, Mum!

MUM: Now, don't argue! Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon, Amanda,--

DAD: Wait! I've got something to tell the whole family.

MUM: Oh, quick. Go and get the others in, Gordon.

CHILDREN: What could it be? Shhh...

DAD: The mill's closed! There's no more work. We're destitute.

CHILDREN: [talking]

DAD: Come in, my little loves. I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments.

CHILDREN: [whining]

DAD: No, no. That's the way it is, my loves. Blame the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things. Oh, they've done some wonderful things in their time. They preserved the might and majesty, the mystery of the Church of Rome, and the sanctity of the sacraments, the indivisible oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear one of those little rubber things on the end of my cock, we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.

BOY: Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?

DAD: Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest growing religion in the world, my boy.

MUM: Ehhh, he's right.

DAD: You see, we believe--
[piano music]
Well, let me put it like this.
[singing]

There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.

[music]
I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

CHILDREN: [singing]
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

GIRL: [singing]
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

CHILDREN: [singing]
Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood.

MUM: [singing]
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

MEN: [singing]
Every sperm is sacred.
[clunk]
Every sperm is great.

WOMEN: [singing]
If a sperm is wasted,...

CHILDREN: [singing]
...God gets quite irate.

PRIEST: [singing]
Every sperm is sacred.

BRIDE and GROOM: [singing]
Every sperm is good.

NANNIES: [singing]
Every sperm is needed...

CARDINALS: [singing]
...In your neighborhood!

CHILDREN: [singing]
Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.

FUNERAL CORTEGE: [singing]
God needs everybody's.

MOURNER #1: Mine!

MOURNER #2: And mine!

CORPSE: And mine!

NUN: [singing]
Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.

HOLY STATUES: [singing]
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

EVERYONE: [singing]
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaate!

DAD: So, you see my problem, little ones: I can't keep you all here any longer.

GIRL: Speak up!

DAD: I can't keep you all here any longer! God has blessed us so much, I can't afford to feed you anymore.

NIGEL: Couldn't you have your balls cut off?

DAD: Hohh, it's not as simple as that, Nigel. God knows all! He'd see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to Him.

GIRL: You could have had them pulled off in an accident.

CHILDREN: [talking]

DAD: No. No, children. I know you're trying to help, but, believe me,...

CHILDREN: Ohh...

DAD: ...me mind's made up. I've given this long and careful thought, and it has to be medical experiments for the lot of you.

CHILDREN: Ohh. Oh. Oh...

CHILDREN: [singing mournfully]
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,...

MR. HARRY BLACKITT: Look at them, bloody Catholics, filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed.

MRS. BLACKITT: What are we dear?

MR. BLACKITT: Protestant, and fiercely proud of it.

MRS. BLACKITT: Hmm. Well, why do they have so many children?

MR. BLACKITT: Because... every time they have sexual intercourse, they have to have a baby.

MRS. BLACKITT: But it's the same with us, Harry.

MR. BLACKITT: What do you mean?

MRS. BLACKITT: Well, I mean, we've got two children, and we've had sexual intercourse twice.

MR. BLACKITT: That's not the point. We could have it any time we wanted.

MRS. BLACKITT: Really?

MR. BLACKITT: Oh, yes, and, what's more, because we don't believe in all that Papist claptrap, we can take precautions.

MRS. BLACKITT: What, you mean... lock the door?

MR. BLACKITT: No, no. I mean, because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church, which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-sixteenth century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue.

MRS. BLACKITT: What d'you mean?

MR. BLACKITT: I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you,...

MRS. BLACKITT: Oh, yes, Harry.

MR. BLACKITT: ...and, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller, I could insure... that, when I came off, you would not be impregnated.

MRS. BLACKITT: Ooh!

MR. BLACKITT: That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual's right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in fifteen-seventeen, he may not have realized the full significance of what he was doing, but four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas,... [sniff] ...and, Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom! Oh, no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want.

MRS. BLACKITT: You what?

MR. BLACKITT: French Ticklers. Black Mambos. Crocodile Ribs. Sheaths that are designed not only to protect, but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress.

MRS. BLACKITT: Have you got one?

MR. BLACKITT: Have I got one? Uh, well, no, but I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high and say in a loud, steady voice, 'Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today, I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.'

MRS. BLACKITT: Well, why don't you?

MR. BLACKITT: But they-- Well, they cannot, 'cause their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages and the domination of alien episcopal supremacy.

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