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Life of Brian Script

Scene 30: Get Your Red Hot Calvary Souvenirs!

The sketch:

crucifixion party music

ALFONSO: Ohh. Ohh. Ohh. Oh. Oh.

SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Let me shoulder your burden, brother. Uh.

ALFONSO: Oh, thank you.


PARVUS: Oh, hey! What d'you think you're doing?

SAINTLY PASSER-BY: Ah, i-- it's not my cross.

PARVUS: Shut up and get on with it!

MR. CHEEKY: Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. He had you there, mate. Didn't he? That'll teach you a lesson. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

baby crying

SOUVENIR SHOPKEEPER: Souvenir of Calvary. Very nice little item, this. Wrap it 'round a lamp and the crosses twinkle on and off. Very nice. Doubles as a tablecloth or a curtain or--


SOUVENIR SHOPKEEPER: Totally washab-- Oh, Pilate at it again, eh? Well, how about this, then? A couple of crosses. One slightly damaged, only very sl--

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