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Life of Brian Script

Scene 3: Jesus' Lack of Crowd Control on the Mount

The sketch:

music

JESUS CHRIST: How blest are those who know their need of God. How blest are the sorrowful. They shall find consolation. How blest are those of gentle spirit. They shall have the earth for their possession. How blest are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail.

RANDOM: cough cough

JESUS: They shall be satisfied. How blest are those whose hearts are pure. They shall see God...

MANDY: Speak up!

MAN: Shh.

BRIAN: Quiet, Mum.

JESUS: How blest are those of gentle...

MANDY: Well, I can't hear a thing.

JESUS: ...spirit. They shall have the earth for their possession.

MANDY: Let's go t' the stoning.

JESUS: How blest are those...

MR. BIG NOSE: Shh.

JESUS: ...who hunger and thirst...

BRIAN: You can go to a stoning any time.

JESUS: ...to see right...

MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian.

JESUS: ...prevail.

MR. BIG NOSE: Will you be quiet?!

JESUS: How blest are they who have suffered much...

MRS. BIG NOSE: Don't pick your nose.

MR. BIG NOSE: I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching.

MRS. BIG NOSE: You was picking it, while you was talking to that lady.

MR. BIG NOSE: I wasn't!

MRS. BIG NOSE: Leave it alone. Give it a rest.

MR. CHEEKY: Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.

MRS. BIG NOSE: Don't you 'do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.

MR. CHEEKY: Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody thing.

MR. BIG NOSE: Don't you swear at my wife.

MR. CHEEKY: I was only asking her to shut up, so I can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.

MRS. BIG NOSE: Don't you call my husband 'Big Nose'!

MR. CHEEKY: Well, he has got a big nose.

GREGORY: Could you be quiet, please?

JESUS: They shall have the earth...

GREGORY: What was that?

JESUS: ...for their possession. How blest are those...

MR. CHEEKY: I don't know. I was too busy talking to Big Nose.

JESUS: ...who hunger and thirst to see...

MAN #1: I think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'

JESUS: ...right prevail.

MRS. GREGORY: Ahh, what's so special about the cheesemakers?

GREGORY: Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

MR. CHEEKY: See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose.

JESUS: How blest are those who...

MR. BIG NOSE: Hey. Say that once more; I'll smash your bloody face in.

MRS. GREGORY: Ohh.

MR. CHEEKY: Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the big noses.'

BRIAN: Oh, lay off him.

MR. CHEEKY: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conkface. Where are you two from? Nose City?

MR. BIG NOSE: One more time, mate; I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!

MRS. BIG NOSE: Language!

JESUS: ...hunger and thirst to see...

MRS. BIG NOSE: And don't pick your nose.

JESUS: ...right prevail.

MR. BIG NOSE: I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was going to thump him!

MAN #2: You hear that? Blessed are the Greek.

GREGORY: The Greek?

MAN #2: Mmm. Well, apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.

GREGORY: Did anyone catch his name?

MRS. BIG NOSE: You're not going to thump anybody.

MR. BIG NOSE: I'll thump him if he calls me 'Big Nose' again.

MR. CHEEKY: Oh, shut up, Big Nose.

MR. BIG NOSE: Ah! All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard--

MRS. BIG NOSE: Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.

MR. CHEEKY: Listen. I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.

MR. BIG NOSE: Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide across your face by the time I've finished with you!

MAN #1 and MAN #2: Shhh.

MR. CHEEKY: Well, who hit yours, then? Goliath's big brother?

MR. BIG NOSE: Oh. Right. That's your last warning.

MRS. GREGORY: Oh, do pipe down.

MR. BIG NOSE slugs MRS. GREGORY

Oh!

MR. BIG NOSE and GREGORY fight

GREGORY: Oh!

MRS. GREGORY: Awa?

MR. BIG NOSE: Silly bitch. Get in the way on me?...

MRS. GREGORY: Ow!...

MR. BIG NOSE: Break it up-- oh. Oh!

MANDY: Oh, come on. Let's go to the stoning.

BRIAN: All right.

music

FRANCIS: Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.

REG: Yeah. Well, what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.

JUDITH: Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.

MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.

BRIAN: All right.

MR. CHEEKY: Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. Hey, officer, intervene here. Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with the big nose's fault. He started it all.

OFFICER: What?

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