Life of Brian Script

Scene 26: Romans and Their Complete Lack of Humor

The sketch:

NISUS: Next. Hhh, crucifixion?

ALFONSO: Yes.

NISUS: Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Jailer?

BRIAN: Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake.

NISUS: Just a moment, would you? Jailer, how many have come through?

JAILER: What?

NISUS: Uh, how many have come through?

JAILER: What?

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Uh, y-- y-- y-- y-- y-- you'll have to s-- speak-- s-- s-- s-- sp-- spe-- speak-- speak-- s-- spe-- s-- s-- p-- p-- peak-- speak up a bit, sir. He's-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d--

NISUS: Ah.

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Oh, he's-- he's--

whap

He's deaf as-- dea-- deaf as a p-- p-- post, sir.

NISUS: Uhh, how many have come through?!

JAILER: Hhhee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.

NISUS: Oh, dear.

JAILER: Hee huh.

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: I make it ninety-fff--...

NISUS: Ah.

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: ...ninety-fff-- ninety-fffff-- ninety-six, sir.

NISUS: Oh. It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it?

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: N-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- no, sir. N-- not-- not with these b-- bastards, sir. C-- cr-- rrrr-- c-- c-- crrr-- c-- c-- c-- crrrrucifixion's too good for 'em, sir.

NISUS: I don't think you can say it's too good for them. It's-- it's very nasty.

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Well, it's not as n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- no-- no-- no-- not as n-- nasty as something I just thought up, sir.

NISUS: No.

JAILER: Hm?

NISUS: Now, um, crucifixion.

BRIAN: Is there someone I can speak to?

NISUS: Well--

JAILER: I know where to get it, if you want it.

NISUS: What?

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Uh, d-- don't-- don't worry about hi-- him, sir. He's de-- he's de--

whap

He's de-- de-- de-- he's deaf and m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- mad, sir.

NISUS: How did he get the job?

JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.

JAILER: Heh heh.

MR. CHEEKY: Get a move on, Big Nose! There's people waiting to be crucified out here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah.

BRIAN: Could I see a lawyer or someone?

NISUS: Um, do-- do you have a lawyer?

BRIAN: No, but I'm a Roman.

MR. CHEEKY: How about a re-trial? We've got plenty o' time.

PARVUS: Shut up, you!

MR. CHEEKY: Miserable, bloody Romans. No sense of humour.

whump

Oooh.

NISUS: I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out? Line on the left. One cross each. Now...

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