Life of Brian Script
Scene 26: Romans and Their Complete Lack of Humor
The sketch:
NISUS: Next. Hhh, crucifixion?
ALFONSO: Yes.
NISUS: Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross
each. Jailer?
BRIAN: Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake.
NISUS: Just a moment, would you? Jailer, how many have come
through?
JAILER: What?
NISUS: Uh, how many have come through?
JAILER: What?
JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Uh, y-- y-- y-- y-- y-- you'll have to s--
speak-- s-- s-- s-- sp-- spe-- speak-- speak-- s-- spe-- s-- s-- p-- p--
peak-- speak up a bit, sir. He's-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d--
NISUS: Ah.
JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Oh, he's-- he's--
whap
He's deaf as-- dea-- deaf as a p-- p-- post, sir.
NISUS: Uhh, how many have come through?!
JAILER: Hhhee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.
NISUS: Oh, dear.
JAILER: Hee huh.
JAILER'S ASSISTANT: I make it ninety-fff--...
NISUS: Ah.
JAILER'S ASSISTANT: ...ninety-fff-- ninety-fffff-- ninety-six,
sir.
NISUS: Oh. It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't
it?
JAILER'S ASSISTANT: N-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- no, sir. N--
not-- not with these b-- bastards, sir. C-- cr-- rrrr-- c-- c-- crrr--
c-- c-- c-- crrrrucifixion's too good for 'em, sir.
NISUS: I don't think you can say it's too good for them.
It's-- it's very nasty.
JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Well, it's not as n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n--
n-- n-- no-- no-- no-- not as n-- nasty as something I just thought up,
sir.
NISUS: No.
JAILER: Hm?
NISUS: Now, um, crucifixion.
BRIAN: Is there someone I can speak to?
NISUS: Well--
JAILER: I know where to get it, if you want it.
NISUS: What?
JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Uh, d-- don't-- don't worry about hi--
him, sir. He's de-- he's de--
whap
He's de-- de-- de-- he's deaf and m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- mad,
sir.
NISUS: How did he get the job?
JAILER'S ASSISTANT: Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.
JAILER: Heh heh.
MR. CHEEKY: Get a move on, Big Nose! There's people waiting to
be crucified out here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah.
BRIAN: Could I see a lawyer or someone?
NISUS: Um, do-- do you have a lawyer?
BRIAN: No, but I'm a Roman.
MR. CHEEKY: How about a re-trial? We've got plenty o' time.
PARVUS: Shut up, you!
MR. CHEEKY: Miserable, bloody Romans. No sense of humour.
whump
Oooh.
NISUS: I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out?
Line on the left. One cross each. Now...
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