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Life of Brian Script

Scene 21: A Fully Trained Suicide Squadron

The sketch:

REG: Line up along there. Now get 'em in two rows, Reg. Ahh--

OTTO: Hail, Leader!

BRIAN: What?

OTTO: Oh, I-- I'm so sorry. Have you see ze new Leader?

BRIAN: The what?

OTTO: The new Leader. I-- I wish to find him and hail him. Hail, Leader. See?

BRIAN: Who are you?

OTTO: Uh, my name is... Otto.

BRIAN: Oh. Otto.

OTTO: Yes.

BRIAN: Well, I'm not sure, but I--

OTTO: Oh, I grow so impatient, you know. To see the Leader that has been promised our people for centuries. The Leader who will save Israel by ridding it of the scum of non-Jewish people, sniff making it pure! No foreigners; no riff-raff; no gypsies.

BRIAN: Shh! Otto!

OTTO: What? The Leader? Hail Leader!

BRIAN: No, no; it's dangerous.

OTTO: Oh. Danger? There's no danger. Men!

drum march

Impressive, eh?

BRIAN: Yes.

OTTO: Oh, yes! We are a thoroughly trained suicide squad.

BRIAN: Oh.

OTTO: Oh, yes! We can commit suicide within twenty seconds.

BRIAN: Twenty seconds?

OTTO: You don't believe me?

BRIAN: Yes.

OTTO: I think you question me.

BRIAN: No, no, no.

OTTO: I can see you do not believe me.

BRIAN: No, no. I do.

OTTO: Enough! I'll prove it to you. Squad!

JUDEAN PEOPLE'S FRONT: Hail, Leader!

OTTO: Commit... suicide!

CAPTAIN: Two. Three. One! Two. Three. One! Two. Three. One! Two. Three. One!

J.P.F.: groaning

OTTO: See?

BRIAN: Yes.

OTTO: I think now you'll believe me. Yes?

BRIAN: Yes. Very impressive.

OTTO: I think now I prove it to you, huh?

BRIAN: Yes.

OTTO: All dead.

BRIAN: Ye--

OTTO: Not one living. He's dead... and he's dead. See? I tread on him. He's dead... and he's dead... and he's dead. They're all dead. All dead good Jewish boys. No foreigners! But their names will live forever! Helmut, Johnny,... the little guy,... the-- er-- the other fat one. Their names will live eventually forever.

sniff

RANDOM: p-p-p-p-p

RANDOM: p-p-p-p

OTTO: Wait a minute.

sniff

There's somebody here who's not dead. There's somebody here who is only pretending to be dead. Stand up, you.

RANDOM: Oow!

RANDOM: A-ha.

OTTO: Who said 'ow'?!

RANDOM: Uhhlm.

OTTO: You're not dead either. Neither are you! Stand up! Stand up. You're not dead. Ah-- Eh-- Oh, my heck! Stand up! Stand up, all of you! Oh, my heck, is there not even one dead?!

HELMUT: No, sir. Not one.

OTTO: Why not?!

HELMUT: We thought it was a practice, sir.

OTTO: But all the bleeding and the groaning?

HELMUT: Little secreted sheeps' bladders, sir.

OTTO: Oh-- Oh, my cock! Sheeps' bladders?!

HELMUT: Yes.

OTTO: You are sour! A non-Semitic, mutinous, racially impure, cloth-eared bunch of Roman-lovers!

HELMUT: Stumm, stumm, stumm. Sorry, sir.

OTTO: Tomorrow, as a punishment, you will all eat... pork sausages!

J.P.F.: groaning

HELMUT: Oh, no.

OTTO: Now-- All right. Tell ze Leader that we are ready to die for him ze moment he gives the sign.

BRIAN: What sign?

OTTO: The sign that is the sign. That shall be the sign. Men! Forward!

drum march

J.P.F.: singing There's a man we call our Leader. He's fine and strong and brave, And we'll follow him unquestioning Towards an early grave. He-e gives us hope of sacrifice And a chance to die in vain, And if we're one of the lucky ones, We'll live to die again.

BRIAN: Silly bugger.

REG: Um, women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will you?

JUDITH: Brian? Brian, you were fantastic!

BRIAN: You weren't so bad yourself.

JUDITH: No, what you said just now-- it was quite extraordinary.

BRIAN: What? Oh, that. Was it?

JUDITH: We don't need any leaders. You're so right. Reg has been dominating us for too long.

BRIAN: Well, yes.

JUDITH: It needed saying, and you said it, Brian.

BRIAN: You're... very attractive.

JUDITH: It's our revolution! We can all do it together!

BRIAN: I think-- I think--

JUDITH: We're all behind you, Brian. The revolution is in your hands!

BRIAN: What? No! That's not what I meant at all!

CENTURION: You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty. Right.

whap whap whap whap whap

smack

Stop it.

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