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Life of Brian Script

Scene 22: Pilate Sentences Brian to Crucifixion

The sketch:



PILATE: Well, Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money.

BRIAN: A what?



PILATE: This time, I guawantee you will not escape. Guard, do we have any cwucifixions today?

GUARD #1: A hundred and thirty-nine, sir. Special celebration. Passover, sir.

PILATE: Wight! Now we have a hundwed and forty. Nice wound number, eh, Biggus?

BIGGUS DICKUS: Hm hm hm hm hm.

CENTURION: Hail Caesar!


CENTURION: The crowd outside is getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to disperse them, please.

PILATE: Disperse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet.

CENTURION: Ah, no. I know sir, but--

PILATE: My addwess is one of the high points of the Passover. My fwiend, Biggus Dickus, has come all the way fwom Wome just to hear it.

CENTURION: Hail Caesar.

BIGGUS: Hail Thaethar!

CENTURION: You're not-- ah, you're not, uh, thinking o-- of giving it a miss this year, then, sir?

PILATE: Give it a miss?

CENTURION: Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir.

PILATE: Weally, Centuwion? I'm surpwised to hear a man like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.

CENTURION: A... bit thundery, sir.

PILATE: Take him away.

BRIAN: I'm a Roman! I-- I can prove it, honestly!

PILATE: And cwucify him well! Biggus.

CENTURION: Ah, I-- I really wouldn't, sir.

PILATE: Out of the way, Centuwion.

BIGGUS: Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanth if there ith a thudden crithith.

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