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Life of Brian Script

Scene 20: Individualism Can't Beat a Good Crowd Riot

The sketch:

cock-a-doodle-doo

FOLLOWERS: Look! There He is! The Chosen One has woken!

slam

bam bam bam bam

MANDY: Brian!

bam bam bam bam bam

BRIAN: Huuh. Hooh. Ooh! Mother. Ooh. Ha--

MANDY: Brian!

BRIAN: Hang on, mother! Shhh.

clllunk

Hello, mother.

MANDY: Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out there?!

BRIAN: Oh. Well-- well, I, uh--

MANDY: Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?!

BRIAN: Well, uh, I think they must have popped by for something.

MANDY: 'Popped by'?! 'Swarmed by', more like! There's a multitude out there!

BRIAN: Mm, they-- they started following me yesterday.

MANDY: Well, they can stop following you right now. Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

FOLLOWERS: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!

MANDY: The who?

FOLLOWERS: The Messiah!

MANDY: Huh, there's no Messiah in here. There's a mess, all right, but no Messiah. Now, go away!

FOLLOWERS: Brian! Brian!

MANDY: Right, my lad. What have you been up to?

BRIAN: Nothing, Mum. Um--

MANDY: Come on. Out with it.

BRIAN: Well, they think I'm the Messiah, Mum.

smack

MANDY: Now, what have you been telling them?

BRIAN: Nothing! I only--

MANDY: You're only making it worse for yourself.

BRIAN: Look! I can explain! I--

smack

JUDITH: No! Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!

MANDY: Who--

JUDITH: Your son is a born leader. Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he can give them hope-- hope of a new life, a new world, a better future!

MANDY: Who's that?!

BRIAN: Oh! That's... Judith, Mum. Judith. Mother. Hmm.

smack

Aaaah!

FOLLOWERS: The Messiah! The Messiah!

MANDY: Ooooh.

FOLLOWERS: Show us the Messiah! The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!

MANDY: Now, you listen here! He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! Now, go away!

FOLLOWERS: Who are you?!

MANDY: I'm his mother. That's who.

FOLLOWERS: Behold His mother! Behold His mother! Hail to thee, mother of Brian! Blessed art thou, Hosanna! All praise to thee, now and always!

MANDY: Well-- Now, don't think you can get around me like that. He's not coming out, and that's my final word. Now, shove off!

FOLLOWERS: No!

MANDY: Did you hear what I said?

FOLLOWERS: Yes!

MANDY: Oh, I see. It-- it's like that, is it?

FOLLOWERS: Yes!

MANDY: Ohh. Oh, all right, then. You can see him for one minute, but not one second more. Do you understand?

FOLLOWERS: Yes.

MANDY: Promise?

FOLLOWERS: Well, all right.

MANDY: All right. Here he is, then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them.

BRIAN: But, Mum. Judith.

MANDY: Now, leave that Welsh tart alone.

BRIAN: But I don't really want to, Mum.

FOLLOWERS: Brian! Brian! Brian!...

BRIAN: Good morning.

FOLLOWERS: A blessing! A blessing! A blessing!...

BRIAN: No. No, please! Please! Please listen. I've got one or two things to say.

FOLLOWERS: Tell us. Tell us both of them.

BRIAN: Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals!

FOLLOWERS: Yes, we're all individuals!

BRIAN: You're all different!

FOLLOWERS: Yes, we are all different!

DENNIS: I'm not.

ARTHUR: Shhhh.

FOLLOWERS: Shh. Shhhh. Shhh.

BRIAN: You've all got to work it out for yourselves!

FOLLOWERS: Yes! We've got to work it out for ourselves!

BRIAN: Exactly!

FOLLOWERS: Tell us more!

BRIAN: No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise-- Ow! No!

MANDY: Come on, Brian. That's enough. That's enough.

FOLLOWERS: Oooooh. That wasn't a minute!

MANDY: Oh, yes, it was.

FOLLOWERS: Oh, no, it wasn't!

MANDY: Now, stop that, and go away!

YOUTH: Excuse me.

MANDY: Yes?

YOUTH: Are you a virgin?

MANDY: I beg your pardon!

YOUTH: Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?

MANDY: 'If it's not a personal question'? How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!

slam

YOUTH: She is.

FOLLOWERS: Yeah. Must be. She is. Definitely...

CROWD: Ooh. Oh! Oooh...

clunk

REG: 'Morning, Saviour.

CROWD: yelling

WOMAN: Lay Your hands on me. Quick!

FRANCIS: Now, don't jostle the Chosen One, please.

BABY: crying

REG: Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face. You've got till later.

GREGORY: I say. I say, could He just see my wife? She has a headache.

REG: She'll have to wait, I'm afraid.

GREGORY: It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment.

REG: Look, the lepers are queuing.

GREGORY: Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Bath, you know.

REG: Uh, Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the Mounts on Sunday?

MR. PAPADOPOULOS: Hello.

FRANCIS: Don't push!

REG: And keep the noise down, please! Those possessed by devils, try and keep them under control a bit, can't you? All right. Now, those with gifts come forward, please. Incurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes.

MAN: Will he endorse fish?

REG: Ahh, you'll have to speak to your sibling Francis about endorsements. Now don't--

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