Life of Brian Script
Scene 20: Individualism Can't Beat a Good Crowd Riot
FOLLOWERS: Look! There He is! The Chosen One has woken!
bam bam bam bam
bam bam bam bam bam
BRIAN: Huuh. Hooh. Ooh! Mother. Ooh. Ha--
BRIAN: Hang on, mother! Shhh.
MANDY: Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people
doing out there?!
BRIAN: Oh. Well-- well, I, uh--
MANDY: Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?!
BRIAN: Well, uh, I think they must have popped by for
MANDY: 'Popped by'?! 'Swarmed by', more like! There's a
multitude out there!
BRIAN: Mm, they-- they started following me yesterday.
MANDY: Well, they can stop following you right now. Now, stop
following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
FOLLOWERS: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
MANDY: The who?
FOLLOWERS: The Messiah!
MANDY: Huh, there's no Messiah in here. There's a mess, all
right, but no Messiah. Now, go away!
FOLLOWERS: Brian! Brian!
MANDY: Right, my lad. What have you been up to?
BRIAN: Nothing, Mum. Um--
MANDY: Come on. Out with it.
BRIAN: Well, they think I'm the Messiah, Mum.
MANDY: Now, what have you been telling them?
BRIAN: Nothing! I only--
MANDY: You're only making it worse for yourself.
BRIAN: Look! I can explain! I--
JUDITH: No! Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!
JUDITH: Your son is a born leader. Those people out there are
following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he
can give them hope-- hope of a new life, a new world, a better future!
MANDY: Who's that?!
BRIAN: Oh! That's... Judith, Mum. Judith. Mother. Hmm.
FOLLOWERS: The Messiah! The Messiah!
FOLLOWERS: Show us the Messiah! The Messiah! The Messiah! Show
us the Messiah!
MANDY: Now, you listen here! He's not the Messiah. He's a very
naughty boy! Now, go away!
FOLLOWERS: Who are you?!
MANDY: I'm his mother. That's who.
FOLLOWERS: Behold His mother! Behold His mother! Hail to thee,
mother of Brian! Blessed art thou, Hosanna! All praise to thee, now and
MANDY: Well-- Now, don't think you can get around me like
that. He's not coming out, and that's my final word. Now, shove off!
MANDY: Did you hear what I said?
MANDY: Oh, I see. It-- it's like that, is it?
MANDY: Ohh. Oh, all right, then. You can see him for one
minute, but not one second more. Do you understand?
FOLLOWERS: Well, all right.
MANDY: All right. Here he is, then. Come on, Brian. Come and
talk to them.
BRIAN: But, Mum. Judith.
MANDY: Now, leave that Welsh tart alone.
BRIAN: But I don't really want to, Mum.
FOLLOWERS: Brian! Brian! Brian!...
BRIAN: Good morning.
FOLLOWERS: A blessing! A blessing! A blessing!...
BRIAN: No. No, please! Please! Please listen. I've got one or
two things to say.
FOLLOWERS: Tell us. Tell us both of them.
BRIAN: Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow
me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for
yourselves. You're all individuals!
FOLLOWERS: Yes, we're all individuals!
BRIAN: You're all different!
FOLLOWERS: Yes, we are all different!
DENNIS: I'm not.
FOLLOWERS: Shh. Shhhh. Shhh.
BRIAN: You've all got to work it out for yourselves!
FOLLOWERS: Yes! We've got to work it out for ourselves!
FOLLOWERS: Tell us more!
BRIAN: No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to
do! Otherwise-- Ow! No!
MANDY: Come on, Brian. That's enough. That's enough.
FOLLOWERS: Oooooh. That wasn't a minute!
MANDY: Oh, yes, it was.
FOLLOWERS: Oh, no, it wasn't!
MANDY: Now, stop that, and go away!
YOUTH: Excuse me.
YOUTH: Are you a virgin?
MANDY: I beg your pardon!
YOUTH: Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a
MANDY: 'If it's not a personal question'? How much more
personal can you get? Now, piss off!
YOUTH: She is.
FOLLOWERS: Yeah. Must be. She is. Definitely...
CROWD: Ooh. Oh! Oooh...
REG: 'Morning, Saviour.
WOMAN: Lay Your hands on me. Quick!
FRANCIS: Now, don't jostle the Chosen One, please.
REG: Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face. You've got
GREGORY: I say. I say, could He just see my wife? She has a
REG: She'll have to wait, I'm afraid.
GREGORY: It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment.
REG: Look, the lepers are queuing.
GREGORY: Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Bath, you know.
REG: Uh, Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us
have the Mounts on Sunday?
MR. PAPADOPOULOS: Hello.
FRANCIS: Don't push!
REG: And keep the noise down, please! Those possessed by
devils, try and keep them under control a bit, can't you? All right.
Now, those with gifts come forward, please. Incurables, you'll just have
to wait for a few minutes.
MAN: Will he endorse fish?
REG: Ahh, you'll have to speak to your sibling Francis about
endorsements. Now don't--