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Life of Brian ScriptScene 20: Individualism Can't Beat a Good Crowd RiotThe sketch:cock-a-doodle-doo FOLLOWERS: Look! There He is! The Chosen One has woken! slam bam bam bam bam MANDY: Brian! bam bam bam bam bam BRIAN: Huuh. Hooh. Ooh! Mother. Ooh. Ha-- MANDY: Brian! BRIAN: Hang on, mother! Shhh. clllunk Hello, mother. MANDY: Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out there?! BRIAN: Oh. Well-- well, I, uh-- MANDY: Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?! BRIAN: Well, uh, I think they must have popped by for something. MANDY: 'Popped by'?! 'Swarmed by', more like! There's a multitude out there! BRIAN: Mm, they-- they started following me yesterday. MANDY: Well, they can stop following you right now. Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. FOLLOWERS: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah! MANDY: The who? FOLLOWERS: The Messiah! MANDY: Huh, there's no Messiah in here. There's a mess, all right, but no Messiah. Now, go away! FOLLOWERS: Brian! Brian! MANDY: Right, my lad. What have you been up to? BRIAN: Nothing, Mum. Um-- MANDY: Come on. Out with it. BRIAN: Well, they think I'm the Messiah, Mum. smack MANDY: Now, what have you been telling them? BRIAN: Nothing! I only-- MANDY: You're only making it worse for yourself. BRIAN: Look! I can explain! I-- smack JUDITH: No! Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen! MANDY: Who-- JUDITH: Your son is a born leader. Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he can give them hope-- hope of a new life, a new world, a better future! MANDY: Who's that?! BRIAN: Oh! That's... Judith, Mum. Judith. Mother. Hmm. smack Aaaah! FOLLOWERS: The Messiah! The Messiah! MANDY: Ooooh. FOLLOWERS: Show us the Messiah! The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah! MANDY: Now, you listen here! He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! Now, go away! FOLLOWERS: Who are you?! MANDY: I'm his mother. That's who. FOLLOWERS: Behold His mother! Behold His mother! Hail to thee, mother of Brian! Blessed art thou, Hosanna! All praise to thee, now and always! MANDY: Well-- Now, don't think you can get around me like that. He's not coming out, and that's my final word. Now, shove off! FOLLOWERS: No! MANDY: Did you hear what I said? FOLLOWERS: Yes! MANDY: Oh, I see. It-- it's like that, is it? FOLLOWERS: Yes! MANDY: Ohh. Oh, all right, then. You can see him for one minute, but not one second more. Do you understand? FOLLOWERS: Yes. MANDY: Promise? FOLLOWERS: Well, all right. MANDY: All right. Here he is, then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them. BRIAN: But, Mum. Judith. MANDY: Now, leave that Welsh tart alone. BRIAN: But I don't really want to, Mum. FOLLOWERS: Brian! Brian! Brian!... BRIAN: Good morning. FOLLOWERS: A blessing! A blessing! A blessing!... BRIAN: No. No, please! Please! Please listen. I've got one or two things to say. FOLLOWERS: Tell us. Tell us both of them. BRIAN: Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals! FOLLOWERS: Yes, we're all individuals! BRIAN: You're all different! FOLLOWERS: Yes, we are all different! DENNIS: I'm not. ARTHUR: Shhhh. FOLLOWERS: Shh. Shhhh. Shhh. BRIAN: You've all got to work it out for yourselves! FOLLOWERS: Yes! We've got to work it out for ourselves! BRIAN: Exactly! FOLLOWERS: Tell us more! BRIAN: No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise-- Ow! No! MANDY: Come on, Brian. That's enough. That's enough. FOLLOWERS: Oooooh. That wasn't a minute! MANDY: Oh, yes, it was. FOLLOWERS: Oh, no, it wasn't! MANDY: Now, stop that, and go away! YOUTH: Excuse me. MANDY: Yes? YOUTH: Are you a virgin? MANDY: I beg your pardon! YOUTH: Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin? MANDY: 'If it's not a personal question'? How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off! slam YOUTH: She is. FOLLOWERS: Yeah. Must be. She is. Definitely... CROWD: Ooh. Oh! Oooh... clunk REG: 'Morning, Saviour. CROWD: yelling WOMAN: Lay Your hands on me. Quick! FRANCIS: Now, don't jostle the Chosen One, please. BABY: crying REG: Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face. You've got till later. GREGORY: I say. I say, could He just see my wife? She has a headache. REG: She'll have to wait, I'm afraid. GREGORY: It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment. REG: Look, the lepers are queuing. GREGORY: Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Bath, you know. REG: Uh, Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the Mounts on Sunday? MR. PAPADOPOULOS: Hello. FRANCIS: Don't push! REG: And keep the noise down, please! Those possessed by devils, try and keep them under control a bit, can't you? All right. Now, those with gifts come forward, please. Incurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes. MAN: Will he endorse fish? REG: Ahh, you'll have to speak to your sibling Francis about endorsements. Now don't--
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Life
of Brian Scripts
