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Life of Brian Script

Scene 2: Three Wise Men with Bad Senses of Direction

The sketch:

holy music

BABY BRIAN COHEN: crying

WISE MAN #1: Ahem.

MANDY COHEN: Ohhh!

whump

Who are you?

WISE MAN #1: We are three wise men.

MANDY: What?!

WISE MAN #1: We are three wise men.

MANDY: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.

WISE MAN #3: We are astrologers.

WISE MAN #1: We have come from the East.

MANDY: Is this some kind of joke?

WISE MAN #2: We wish to praise the infant.

WISE MAN #1: We must pay homage to him.

MANDY: Homage? You're all drunk. It's disgusting. Out! The lot, out!

WISE MAN #1: No--

MANDY: Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on. Out!

WISE MAN #2: No, no. We must see him.

MANDY: Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!

WISE MAN #2: We--

WISE MAN #1: We were led by a star.

MANDY: Or led by a bottle, more like. Go on. Out!

WISE MAN #1: Well-- well, we must see him. We have brought presents.

MANDY: Out!

WISE MAN #2: Gold. Frankincense. Myrrh.

MANDY: Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh, anyway?

WISE MAN #3: It is a valuable balm.

MANDY: A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him.

WISE MAN #3: What?

MANDY: That's a dangerous animal. Quick! Throw it in the trough.

WISE MAN #1: No, it isn't.

MANDY: Yes, it is. It's great, big mmm...

WISE MAN #3: No, no, no. It is an ointment.

MANDY: Aww, there is an animal called a balm,... or did I dream it? So, you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?

WISE MAN #2: Hmm?

MANDY: What star sign is he?

WISE MAN #2: Uh, Capricorn.

MANDY: Uhh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

WISE MAN #2: Ooh, but... he is the son of God, our Messiah.

WISE MAN #1: King of the Jews.

MANDY: And that's Capricorn, is it?

WISE MAN #2: Uh, no, no, no. That's just him.

MANDY: Ohh, I was going to say, 'Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.' sniff

WISE MAN #1: By what name are you calling him?

MANDY: Uh, 'Brian'.

WISE MEN: We worship you, O Brian, who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.

MANDY: Do you do a lot of this, then?

WISE MAN #2: What?

MANDY: This praising.

WISE MAN #2: No, no. No, no.

MANDY: Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you! Good-bye! Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.

WISE MEN leave

Look at that. Hoo hoo hoo.

WISE MEN return and grab presents

Here! Here! Here, that-- that's mine! Hee. Hey, you just gave me that! Oh.

whump

holy music

BABY BRIAN: crying

MANDY: Shut up. smack

Cartoon

SINGER: Brian. The babe they called 'Brian', He grew,... grew, grew, and grew-- Grew up to be-- grew up to be A boy called 'Brian'-- A boy called 'Brian'. He had arms... and legs... and hands... and feet, This boy... whose name was 'Brian', And he grew,... grew, grew, and grew-- Grew up to be-- Yes, he grew up to be A teenager called 'Brian'-- A teenager called 'Brian', And his face became spotty. Yes, his face became spotty, And his voice dropped down low And things started to grow On young Brian and show He was certainly no-- No girl named 'Brian', Not a girl named 'Brian'. And he started to shave And have one off the wrist And want to see girls And go out and get pissed, A man called 'Brian'-- This man called 'Brian'-- The man they called 'Brian'-- This man called 'Brian'! crash Ahh!

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