Life of Brian Script
Scene 19: Brian Denies Messianic Attributes
FOLLOWERS: ...Master! Master! Look! Master! Master!...
BRIAN: Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path
down to the river?
SIMON THE HOLY MAN: Mmmmmmm.
BRIAN: Please! Please help me! I've got to get--
Oh, my foot! Oh!
SIMON: Oh, damn, damn, damn!
BRIAN: Well, I'm sorry. Shhh.
SIMON: Oh, damn, damn, and blast it!
BRIAN: I'm sorry. Shhhh!
SIMON: Don't you 'shhhh' me. Eighteen years of total silence,
and you 'shhhh' me!
SIMON: I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single,
recognisable, articulate sound has passed my lips.
BRIAN: Oh, please. Could you be quiet for another five
SIMON: Oh, it doesn't matter now. I might as well enjoy
myself. The times in the last eighteen years I've wanted to shout and
SIMON: ...scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive!
SIMON: Hava Nagila!
SIMON: Hava Nagila! Hava Nagila, ha ha ha! Look out. Oh, I'm
alive! I'm alive! Hello birds! Hello trees! I'm alive! Get off. I'm
alive! Hava Nagila. Hava n'ra n'--
FOLLOWERS: Master! The Master! Master! Master!...
SHOE FOLLOWER: The Master! Aha. He is here!
ELSIE: The Gourd has led us...
ARTHUR: The shoe has led us to Him!
FOLLOWERS: The shoe!...
ARTHUR: The shoe has brought us!
ARTHUR and HARRY: Speak!
ARTHUR and HARRY: Speak to us, Master! Speak to us!
BRIAN: Go away!
FOLLOWERS: A blessing! A blessing!
ARTHUR: How shall we go away, Master?!
BRIAN: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!
SHOE FOLLOWER: Give us a sign!
ARTHUR: He has given us a sign! He has brought us to this
BRIAN: I didn't bring you here! You just followed me!
SHOE FOLLOWER: Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard.
ARTHUR: Master! Your people have walked many miles to be with
You! They are weary and have not eaten.
BRIAN: It's not my fault they haven't eaten!
ARTHUR: There is no food in this high mountain!
BRIAN: Well, what about the juniper bushes over there?
FOLLOWERS: Heh! A miracle! A miracle! Ohh!...
SHOE FOLLOWER: He has made the bush fruitful by His words.
YOUTH: They have brought forth juniper berries.
BRIAN: Of course they've brought forth juniper berries!
They're juniper bushes! What do you expect?!
ELSIE: Show us another miracle!
ARTHUR: Do not tempt Him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of
the juniper bushes enough?!
SIMON: I say, those are my juniper bushes.
ARTHUR: They are a gift from God!
SIMON: They're all I've bloody got to eat. Uhm. I say, get off
those bushes! Go on! Clear off, the lot of you. Go on.
HARRY: Lord! I am affected by a bald patch.
BLIND MAN: I am healed! The Master has healed me!
BRIAN: I didn't touch him!
BLIND MAN: I was blind, and now I can see! Aargh!
FOLLOWERS: A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!
SIMON: Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for eighteen
years till he came along.
FOLLOWERS: A miracle! He is the Messiah!
SIMON: Well, he hurt my foot!
FOLLOWERS: Hurt my foot, Lord! Hurt my foot. Hurt mine...
ARTHUR: Hail Messiah!
BRIAN: I'm not the Messiah!
ARTHUR: I say You are, Lord, and I should know. I've followed
FOLLOWERS: Hail Messiah!
BRIAN: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not
the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!
GIRL: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
BRIAN: What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All
right! I am the Messiah!
FOLLOWERS: He is! He is the Messiah!
BRIAN: Now, fuck off!
ARTHUR: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
BRIAN: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.
SIMON: You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You
break my bloody foot. You break my vow of silence, and then you try and
clean up on my juniper bushes!
BRIAN: Oh, lay off!
ARTHUR: This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!
SIMON: No, he's not.
ARTHUR: An unbeliever!
FOLLOWERS: An unbeliever!
ARTHUR: Persecute! Kill the heretic!
FOLLOWERS: Kill the heretic! Kill him! Persecute! Kill!...
BRIAN: Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put
him down. Please!