Life of Brian ScriptScene 17: The Futility of the Lily in ParableThe sketch:crack crack BRIAN: Aaaaah! BORING PROPHET: ...The nephew or the donkey. whap Wha! Woooah! fwump clap clap clap FALSE PROPHET: ...And, a nine-bladed sword, which he shall strike... BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET: ...Time when we all come together, and go... PROPHET IN WHITE: ...And holes for the... PROPHET IN BLACK: ...Jumbo jets... PROPHET IN WHITE: ...every bitch how you got germs from... PROPHET IN BLACK: ...fly up near the... BRIAN: Don't you, eh, pass judgment on other people, or you might get judged yourself. COLIN: What? BRIAN: I said, 'Don't pass judgment on other people, or else you might get judged, too.' COLIN: Who, me? BRIAN: Yes. COLIN: Oh. Ooh. Thank you very much. BRIAN: Well, not just you. All of you. DENNIS: That's a nice gourd. BRIAN: What? DENNIS: How much do you want for the gourd? BRIAN: I don't. You can have it. DENNIS: Have it? BRIAN: Yes. Consider the lilies... DENNIS: Eh, d-- d-- don't you want to haggle? BRIAN: No. ...in the field. DENNIS: What's wrong with it, then? BRIAN: Nothing. Take it. ELSIE: Consider the lilies? BRIAN: Uh, well, the birds, then. EDDIE: What birds? BRIAN: Any birds. EDDIE: Why? BRIAN: Well, have they got jobs? ARTHUR: Who? BRIAN: The birds. EDDIE: Have the birds got jobs?! FRANK: What's the matter with him? ARTHUR: He says the birds are scrounging. BRIAN: Oh, uhh, no, the point is the birds. They do all right. Don't they? FRANK: Well, good luck to 'em. EDDIE: Yeah. They're very pretty. BRIAN: Okay, and you're much more important than they are, right? So, what are you worrying about? There you are. See? EDDIE: I'm worrying about what you have got against birds. BRIAN: I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lilies. ARTHUR: He's having a go at the flowers now. EDDIE: Oh, give the flowers a chance. DENNIS: I'll give you one for it. BRIAN: It's yours. DENNIS: Two, then. BRIAN: Ohh. Look. There was this man, and he had two servants. ARTHUR: What were they called? BRIAN: What? ARTHUR: What were their names? BRIAN: I don't know. And he gave them some talents. EDDIE: You don't know?! BRIAN: Well, it doesn't matter! ARTHUR: He doesn't know what they were called! BRIAN: Oh, they were called 'Simon' and 'Adrian'. Now-- ARTHUR: Oh! You said... EDDIE: Ohh. ARTHUR: ...you didn't know! BRIAN: It really doesn't matter. The point is there were these two servants-- ARTHUR: He's making it up as he goes along. BRIAN: No, I'm not! ...And he gave them some ta-- Wait a minute. Were there three? ARTHUR: Ohh. EDDIE: Oh, he's terrible! ARTHUR: He's terrible. BRIAN: There were three. ARTHUR: Thpppt! BRIAN: They were-- they were st-- stewards, really. ELSIE: Aww, get off! BRIAN: Ooh! Eh, uh, b-- b-- now-- now hear this! Blessed are they... DENNIS: Three. BRIAN: ...who convert their neighbor's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth,... MAN: Rubbish! BRIAN: ...and to them only shall be given-- to them only... shall... be... given... ELSIE: What? BRIAN: Hmm? ELSIE: Shall be given what? BRIAN: Oh, nothing. EDDIE: Ahh. ELSIE: Hey! What were you going to say? BRIAN: Nothing. ARTHUR and FRANK: Yes, you were. ELSIE: Yes. You were going to say something. BRIAN: No, I wasn't. I'd finished. ELSIE: Oh, no you weren't. ARTHUR: Oh, come on. Tell us before you go. BRIAN: I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished. ELSIE: No, you hadn't. BLIND MAN: What won't he tell? EDDIE: He won't say. BLIND MAN: Is it a secret? BRIAN: No. BLIND MAN: Is it? EDDIE: Must be. Otherwise, he'd tell us. ARTHUR: Oh, tell us the secret. BRIAN: Leave me alone. YOUTH: What is this secret? GIRL: Is it the secret of eternal life? EDDIE: He won't say! ARTHUR: Well, of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say. YOUTH: No. BRIAN: Leave me alone. GIRL: Just tell me, please. ARTHUR: No. Tell us, Master. We were here first. DENNIS: Five. BRIAN: Ah! GIRL: Just tell-- BRIAN: Go away! GIRL: Tell us, Master. DENNIS: I can't go above five. GIRL: Tell-- Is that His gourd? YOUTH: We've got this here. DENNIS: Yeah, but it's under offer. GIRL: This is His gourd! DENNIS: Ten! GIRL: It is His gourd! We will carry it for you, Master! Master? YOUTH: He's gone! He's been taken up! GIRL: Hhhh! FOLLOWERS: For He's been taken up! DENNIS: Eighteen! ARTHUR: No, there He is. Over there. FOLLOWERS: Oh, yeah. Master! Master!... FOLLOWERS chase BRIAN
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