Life of Brian ScriptScene 16: Crucifixion: Could Be Worse...The sketch:REG: Daniel. LORETTA: Daniel. FRANCIS: Job. REG: Job. LORETTA: Job. FRANCIS: Joshua. REG: Joshua. LORETTA: Joshua. FRANCIS: Judges. REG: Judges. LORETTA: Judges. FRANCIS: And Brian. REG: And Brian. LORETTA: And Brian. REG: I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause. LORETTA: I second that, Reg. REG: Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Siblings! thump Let us not be down-hearted. One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning! Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in a-- MATTHIAS: Look out! BRIAN: Hello? Matthias! Reg! REG: Go away! BRIAN: Hm? Reg, it's me, Brian! REG: Get off! Get off out of it! BRIAN: Stan! LORETTA: Piss off. COMMANDO: Yeah, piss off! REG: Bugger off. bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam Ohh,... bam bam bam bam bam ...shit! bam BRIAN: Uhh. MATTHIAS: Coming! bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam BORING PROPHET: Yea, verily, at that time, it is written in the book of Obadiah. A man shall strike his donkey and his nephew's donkey and anyone... crack ...in the vicinity... creak crack ...of his nephew or the donkey. MATTHIAS: My eyes are dim. I cannot see. CENTURION: Are you Matthias? MATTHIAS: Yes. CENTURION: We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organisation, the 'People's Front of Judea'. MATTHIAS: Me? No. I'm just a poor old man. I have no time for law-breakers. My legs are grey. My ears are gnarled. My eyes are old and bent. CENTURION: Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house. clomp clomp clomp... You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal? MATTHIAS: No. CENTURION: Crucifixion. MATTHIAS: Oh. CENTURION: Nasty, eh? MATTHIAS: Hm. Could be worse. CENTURION: What do you mean, 'could be worse'? MATTHIAS: Well, you could be stabbed. CENTURION: Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours! It's a slow, horrible death! MATTHIAS: Well, at least it gets you out in the open air. CENTURION: You're weird. clomp clomp clomp... SERGEANT: No, sir. Couldn't find anything, sir. CENTURION: But don't worry! You've not seen the last of us, weirdo. MATTHIAS: Big Nose. CENTURION: Watch it. MATTHIAS: Phew, that was lucky. BRIAN: I'm sorry, Reg. REG: Ohhh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion straight to our official headquarters. Well, that's all right, then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. You klutz! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed-- bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam creak crack BORING PROPHET: ...this great, big, juicy melon behind. bam bam bam bam bam bam MATTHIAS: My legs are old and bent. My ears are grizzled. Yes? CENTURION: There's one place we didn't look. Guards! MATTHIAS: I'm just a poor old man. clomp clomp clomp... My eyesight is bad. My eyes are poor. My nose is knackered. CENTURION: Have you ever seen anyone crucified? MATTHIAS: Crucifixion's a doddle. CENTURION: Don't keep saying that. clomp clomp clomp... SERGEANT: Found this spoon, sir. CENTURION: Well done, Sergeant! We'll be back,... oddball. bam bam bam bam bam Open up! MATTHIAS: You haven't given us time to hide.
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