Life of Brian Script
Scene 11: The Plot to Kidnap Pilate's Wife
The sketch:
FRANCIS: Now, this is the palace in Caesar's Square. Our
commando unit will approach from Fish Street, under cover of night, and
make our way to the northwestern main drain. If questioned, we are
sewage workers on our way to a conference. Reg, our glorious leader and
founder of the P.F.J., will be coordinating consultant at the drain
head, though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action,
as he has a bad back.
BRIAN: Aren't you going to come with us?
REG: Solidarity, brother.
BRIAN: Oh, yes. Solidarity, Reg.
FRANCIS: Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence.
There is a Roman feast later in the evening, so we must move fast, and
don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the
Caesar-Augustus memorial sewer and from there, proceed directly to the
hypocaust. This has just been re-tiled, so terrorists, careful with
those weapons. We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chamber
itself. This is the moment for Habbakuk to get out his prong.
chink chink chink
thuk thuk chink chink chink chink chink
thump thump thump thump
suspenseful music
heartbeat
CAMPAIGN FOR FREE GALILEE: Shhh! Shh. Shhh. Shh.
DEADLY DIRK: Campaign for Free Galilee.
FRANCIS: Oh. Uh, People's Front of Judea. Officials.
DEADLY DIRK: Oh.
FRANCIS: What's your group doing here?
DEADLY DIRK: We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her
back, issue demands.
FRANCIS: So are we.
DEADLY DIRK: What?
FRANCIS: That's our plan!
DEADLY DIRK: We were here first!
FRANCIS: What do you mean?!
DEADLY DIRK: We thought of it first!
WARRIS: Oh, yeah?
DEADLY DIRK: Yes, a couple of years ago!
P.F.J.: Ha. Heh. Ha ha.
DEADLY DIRK: We did!
FRANCIS: Okay, c-- co-- come on. You got all your demands
worked out, then?
DEADLY DIRK: 'Course we have.
FRANCIS: What are they?
DEADLY DIRK: Well, I'm not telling you.
P.F.J.: Aghhh...
FRANCIS: Oh, come on. Pull the other one.
P.F.J.: Shh!
DEADLY DIRK: That's not the point! We thought of it before
you!
WARRIS: Did not.
DEADLY DIRK: We did!
FRANCIS: You didn't.
C.F.G.: We bloody did!
BRIAN: Shhhh!
P.F.J.: Shhhhh! Shh.
DEADLY DIRK: You bastards! We've been planning this for
months.
FRANCIS: Well, tough titty for you, Fish Face. Oh! Oh.
RANDOM: All right.
WARRIS: Clever. You sly...
C.F.G. and P.F.J. fight
BRIAN: Brothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together!
FRANCIS: We are! Ohh.
BRIAN: We mustn't fight each other! Surely we should be united
against the common enemy!
EVERYONE: The Judean People's Front?!
BRIAN: No, no! The Romans!
EVERYONE: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.
FRANCIS: Yeah. He's right. Let's go in, get her out, and we
can argue afterwards.
DEADLY DIRK: All right.
RANDOM: Yeah.
FRANCIS: Promise.
RANDOM: Yeah.
DEADLY DIRK: Solidarity!
RANDOM: Solidarity.
EVERYONE: Solidarity.
RANDOM: Ahh.
RANDOM: Let's go get her.
suspenseful music
creak
scuffle scuffle scuffle
COMMANDOS: Oh. Oh! Oh! Ohhh! Aaahh! Waahh! Ooh...
COMMANDO: I got her. I got her. Quick. I got her! I-- I-- Uhm.
She got me. Help! She got me. She g--
bonk
P.F.J.: Shh. Shh. Shhh! Shh...
whap
COMMANDO: whimper Stop. Please. whimper Aghh!
thump
creak
thump
clack
mayhem
COMMANDOS: Get the door! The door! Get the door! Good, I got--
bam bam bam bam bam bam
DEADLY DIRK: Ahh.
bam bam
Shit!
FRANCIS: You stupid--
clank
COMMANDO: Waaahh!
whump
clank
RANDOM: Agh.
RANDOM: Aahh.
DEADLY DIRK: I don't believe it.
FRANCIS: You stupid bastard.
smack
C.F.G. and P.F.J. fight
RANDOM: Look out!
RANDOM: Careful.
clop clop clop clop clop clop clop
DEADLY DIRK: Right! Where were we?
FRANCIS: Uhh, you were going to punch me.
DEADLY DIRK: Oh, yeah.
C.F.G. and P.F.J. fight
BRIAN: Brothers!
whop
Oof!
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