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Life of Brian Script

Scene 11: The Plot to Kidnap Pilate's Wife

The sketch:

FRANCIS: Now, this is the palace in Caesar's Square. Our commando unit will approach from Fish Street, under cover of night, and make our way to the northwestern main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. Reg, our glorious leader and founder of the P.F.J., will be coordinating consultant at the drain head, though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action, as he has a bad back.

BRIAN: Aren't you going to come with us?

REG: Solidarity, brother.

BRIAN: Oh, yes. Solidarity, Reg.

FRANCIS: Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There is a Roman feast later in the evening, so we must move fast, and don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caesar-Augustus memorial sewer and from there, proceed directly to the hypocaust. This has just been re-tiled, so terrorists, careful with those weapons. We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chamber itself. This is the moment for Habbakuk to get out his prong.

chink chink chink

thuk thuk chink chink chink chink chink

thump thump thump thump

suspenseful music

heartbeat

CAMPAIGN FOR FREE GALILEE: Shhh! Shh. Shhh. Shh.

DEADLY DIRK: Campaign for Free Galilee.

FRANCIS: Oh. Uh, People's Front of Judea. Officials.

DEADLY DIRK: Oh.

FRANCIS: What's your group doing here?

DEADLY DIRK: We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.

FRANCIS: So are we.

DEADLY DIRK: What?

FRANCIS: That's our plan!

DEADLY DIRK: We were here first!

FRANCIS: What do you mean?!

DEADLY DIRK: We thought of it first!

WARRIS: Oh, yeah?

DEADLY DIRK: Yes, a couple of years ago!

P.F.J.: Ha. Heh. Ha ha.

DEADLY DIRK: We did!

FRANCIS: Okay, c-- co-- come on. You got all your demands worked out, then?

DEADLY DIRK: 'Course we have.

FRANCIS: What are they?

DEADLY DIRK: Well, I'm not telling you.

P.F.J.: Aghhh...

FRANCIS: Oh, come on. Pull the other one.

P.F.J.: Shh!

DEADLY DIRK: That's not the point! We thought of it before you!

WARRIS: Did not.

DEADLY DIRK: We did!

FRANCIS: You didn't.

C.F.G.: We bloody did!

BRIAN: Shhhh!

P.F.J.: Shhhhh! Shh.

DEADLY DIRK: You bastards! We've been planning this for months.

FRANCIS: Well, tough titty for you, Fish Face. Oh! Oh.

RANDOM: All right.

WARRIS: Clever. You sly...

C.F.G. and P.F.J. fight

BRIAN: Brothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together!

FRANCIS: We are! Ohh.

BRIAN: We mustn't fight each other! Surely we should be united against the common enemy!

EVERYONE: The Judean People's Front?!

BRIAN: No, no! The Romans!

EVERYONE: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

FRANCIS: Yeah. He's right. Let's go in, get her out, and we can argue afterwards.

DEADLY DIRK: All right.

RANDOM: Yeah.

FRANCIS: Promise.

RANDOM: Yeah.

DEADLY DIRK: Solidarity!

RANDOM: Solidarity.

EVERYONE: Solidarity.

RANDOM: Ahh.

RANDOM: Let's go get her.

suspenseful music

creak

scuffle scuffle scuffle

COMMANDOS: Oh. Oh! Oh! Ohhh! Aaahh! Waahh! Ooh...

COMMANDO: I got her. I got her. Quick. I got her! I-- I-- Uhm. She got me. Help! She got me. She g--

bonk

P.F.J.: Shh. Shh. Shhh! Shh...

whap

COMMANDO: whimper Stop. Please. whimper Aghh!

thump

creak

thump

clack

mayhem

COMMANDOS: Get the door! The door! Get the door! Good, I got--

bam bam bam bam bam bam

DEADLY DIRK: Ahh.

bam bam

Shit!

FRANCIS: You stupid--

clank

COMMANDO: Waaahh!

whump

clank

RANDOM: Agh.

RANDOM: Aahh.

DEADLY DIRK: I don't believe it.

FRANCIS: You stupid bastard.

smack

C.F.G. and P.F.J. fight

RANDOM: Look out!

RANDOM: Careful.

clop clop clop clop clop clop clop

DEADLY DIRK: Right! Where were we?

FRANCIS: Uhh, you were going to punch me.

DEADLY DIRK: Oh, yeah.

C.F.G. and P.F.J. fight

BRIAN: Brothers!

whop

Oof!

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