Life of Brian Script
Scene 12: Brian Earns Jailor's Pet Title
VOICE: Hoo hoo hoo! Oh!
JAILER: Eh, heh heh ha. ptoo
BRIAN: Aah! Eh.
JAILER: Eh, heh heh. cough cough cough cough cough
BEN: You lucky bastard.
BRIAN: Who's that?
BEN: You lucky, lucky bastard.
BEN: Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?
BRIAN: What do you mean?
BEN: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
BRIAN: Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!
BEN: Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I
sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
BRIAN: Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in
BEN: Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be
allowed to be put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think
the sun shines out o' your arse, sonny.
BRIAN: Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!
BEN: You've had a hard time?! I've been here five years! They
only hung me the right way up yesterday! So, don't you come 'rou--
BRIAN: All right. All right.
BEN: They must think you're Lord God Almighty.
BRIAN: What will they do to me?
BEN: Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
BEN: Yeah, first offence.
BRIAN: Get away with crucifixion?! It's--
BEN: Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
BEN: Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country
would be in a right bloody mess.
BEN: Nail him up, I say!
BEN: Nail some sense into him!
JAILER: cough cough What do you want?
BRIAN: I want you to move me to another cell.
JAILER: Ha! ptoo
BEN: Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism!
JAILER: Shut up, you!
JAILER: Huhh. cough cough
BEN: Now, take my case. They hung me up here five years ago.
Every night, they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up
again, which I regard as very fair, in view of what I done, and, if
nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans, and it's taught
me... that you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you're
prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's pay!
BRIAN: Oh, shut up!
CENTURION: Pilate wants to see you!
CENTURION: Come on!
BRIAN: Pilate? What does he want to see me for?
CENTURION: I think he wants to know which way up you want to
BEN: Oh, ha ha ha haa! Ha haa! Nice one, Centurion. Like it.
CENTURION: Shut up!
BEN: Right. Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific.