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Life of Brian Script

Scene 12: Brian Earns Jailor's Pet Title

The sketch:

eerie music

VOICE: Huo!

whip

VOICE: Hoo hoo hoo! Oh!

clank

whump

BRIAN: Eh.

clank

JAILER: Eh, heh heh ha. ptoo

BRIAN: Aah! Eh.

JAILER: Eh, heh heh. cough cough cough cough cough

BEN: You lucky bastard.

BRIAN: Who's that?

BEN: You lucky, lucky bastard.

BRIAN: What?

BEN: Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?

BRIAN: What do you mean?

BEN: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?

BRIAN: Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!

BEN: Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.

BRIAN: Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles!

BEN: Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out o' your arse, sonny.

BRIAN: Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!

BEN: You've had a hard time?! I've been here five years! They only hung me the right way up yesterday! So, don't you come 'rou--

BRIAN: All right. All right.

BEN: They must think you're Lord God Almighty.

BRIAN: What will they do to me?

BEN: Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.

BRIAN: Crucifixion?!

BEN: Yeah, first offence.

BRIAN: Get away with crucifixion?! It's--

BEN: Best thing the Romans ever did for us.

BRIAN: What?!

BEN: Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a right bloody mess.

BRIAN: Guards!

BEN: Nail him up, I say!

BRIAN: Guards!

BEN: Nail some sense into him!

JAILER: cough cough What do you want?

BRIAN: I want you to move me to another cell.

JAILER: Ha! ptoo

BRIAN: Aah!

BEN: Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism!

JAILER: Shut up, you!

BEN: Sorry!

JAILER: Huhh. cough cough

BEN: Now, take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again, which I regard as very fair, in view of what I done, and, if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me... that you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's pay!

BRIAN: Oh, shut up!

clank

JAILER: Ehhh.

CENTURION: Pilate wants to see you!

BRIAN: Me?

CENTURION: Come on!

BRIAN: Pilate? What does he want to see me for?

CENTURION: I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified.

BEN: Oh, ha ha ha haa! Ha haa! Nice one, Centurion. Like it. Like it.

CENTURION: Shut up!

BEN: Right. Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific.

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