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Life of Brian ScriptScene 12: Brian Earns Jailor's Pet TitleThe sketch:eerie music VOICE: Huo! whip VOICE: Hoo hoo hoo! Oh! clank whump BRIAN: Eh. clank JAILER: Eh, heh heh ha. ptoo BRIAN: Aah! Eh. JAILER: Eh, heh heh. cough cough cough cough cough BEN: You lucky bastard. BRIAN: Who's that? BEN: You lucky, lucky bastard. BRIAN: What? BEN: Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we? BRIAN: What do you mean? BEN: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh? BRIAN: Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face! BEN: Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face. BRIAN: Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles! BEN: Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out o' your arse, sonny. BRIAN: Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time! BEN: You've had a hard time?! I've been here five years! They only hung me the right way up yesterday! So, don't you come 'rou-- BRIAN: All right. All right. BEN: They must think you're Lord God Almighty. BRIAN: What will they do to me? BEN: Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion. BRIAN: Crucifixion?! BEN: Yeah, first offence. BRIAN: Get away with crucifixion?! It's-- BEN: Best thing the Romans ever did for us. BRIAN: What?! BEN: Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a right bloody mess. BRIAN: Guards! BEN: Nail him up, I say! BRIAN: Guards! BEN: Nail some sense into him! JAILER: cough cough What do you want? BRIAN: I want you to move me to another cell. JAILER: Ha! ptoo BRIAN: Aah! BEN: Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism! JAILER: Shut up, you! BEN: Sorry! JAILER: Huhh. cough cough BEN: Now, take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again, which I regard as very fair, in view of what I done, and, if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me... that you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's pay! BRIAN: Oh, shut up! clank JAILER: Ehhh. CENTURION: Pilate wants to see you! BRIAN: Me? CENTURION: Come on! BRIAN: Pilate? What does he want to see me for? CENTURION: I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified. BEN: Oh, ha ha ha haa! Ha haa! Nice one, Centurion. Like it. Like it. CENTURION: Shut up! BEN: Right. Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific.
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Life
of Brian Scripts
