Life of Brian ScriptScene 1: The Relationship of Men and SheepThe sketch:holy music MORRIS: I love sheep. SHEPHERD #2: So do I. Terrific animals. Terrific. MORRIS: No trouble. SHEPHERD #2: No, no trouble. SHEPHERD #1: Except at shearing. They can play up a bit, then; can't they? MORRIS: Oh, yeah, but I like that sort of little burst of frenzy they have then, you know. I like it when they get a little bit angry. Shows they're human. SHEPHERD #1: Oh, yeah. I-- I-- I'm not saying I dislike them at shearing, you know, but they can be a bit of a handful; can't they? MORRIS: Well, so would you be if you had a great pair of scissors snippin' away while someone held your back legs apart. SHEPHERD #1: Hm. MORRIS: You'd wiggle a bit. You'd kick up a bit of a fuss. Heh. SHEPHERD #1: Yeah, I-- I'm not saying I just expect them to stand around in the fields and nibble the grass and look a bit pretty. I-- I'm not saying that. SHEPHERD #2: Oh, but they are pretty; aren't they? MORRIS: Yeah. SHEPHERD #1: Oh, yeah. SHEPHERD #2: I mean, look at that one over there against the sky. The white of the coat, the little black face against the twinkling stars beyond. MORRIS: Yes. Aww. Terrific. SHEPHERD #1: Mhm. MORRIS: Terrific animals. SHEPHERD #1: Mm. SHEPHERD #2: The little lambs in springtime. MORRIS: Oh. SHEPHERD #1: Ahh. MORRIS: The lambs, eh? Now you're talking. They're lovely, eh? I love them. SHEPHERD #2: Oh, so do I, Morris. I love them more than anything. Little white furry bundles. SHEPHERD #1: Mhmm. MORRIS: I think, of all God's creatures, sheep have the best offspring. SHEPHERD #2: Oh, yes. Terrific animals. MORRIS: Mm. SHEPHERD #2: Terrific. SHEPHERD #1: Yeah. They're so sure-footed. SHEPHERD #2: Hm. MORRIS: And quick-witted. SHEPHERD #1: Are they quick-witted? MORRIS: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they're quite, uh, quick-witted. SHEPHERD #1: Mhm. SHEPHERD #2: Always cheerful. Hmm. SHEPHERD #1: Well, except at shearing. Hehhehheh. MORRIS: Why are you always on about shearing? SHEPHERD #1: I'm not always on about it, Morris. MORRIS: You are a great deflator, you are. SHEPHERD #1: He was-- MORRIS: Of all the moments in their little lives, you unerringly put your finger on the one moment where they lose a little bit of dignity. Well, I regard that as cheap, quite honestly. SHEPHERD #2: Oh, look! Look. One of them's looking up at us. Heh. He knows we're talkin' about him. sniff SHEPHERD #1: Morris, don't get me wrong. I actually like their behavior at shearing. I actually like them when they get a little bit cross. I find that endearing. MORRIS: That's the fantastic thing. They're beautiful to look at, well-disposed, quite quick-witted, and yet, tough as nails. SHEPHERD #2: sniff MORRIS: sniff SHEPHERD #2: You know, I can't think of anything I'd rather do than watch sheep. MORRIS: Mmm. SHEPHERD #1: The only other animals that I would be remotely interested in watching would be cats. MORRIS: They don't have flocks of cats. SHEPHERD #1: No, I-- I'm not saying they do, Morris. MORRIS: Can you imagine a herds of cats waiting to be sheared? Meow! Meow! Woo hoo hoo. SHEPHERD #2: Shh! Shh. I heard something over there. MORRIS: Wolves? SHEPHERD #2: Could be. MORRIS: Where? SHEPHERD #2: Over there. MORRIS: Right. thump thump Take that, you buggers! SHEPHERD #4: Oowhh. SHEPHERD #2: That's not a wolf. SHEPHERD #4: S-- Gordon Bennett! SHEPHERD #3: ungh What did you do that for!? MORRIS: I thought he was a wolf. SHEPHERD #3: You hit him right in the face! MORRIS: Well, he shouldn't come snooping 'round like that. SHEPHERD #3: You wait till you hear what we've just seen! The most incredible things just happened! SHEPHERD #4: Don't tell 'em. Owhh. SHEPHERD #3: We were on the hillside over there when this amazing- SHEPHERD #4: Don't tell them! They broke my bloody nose! SHEPHERD #3: Can't I tell them about the amazing th-- SHEPHERD #4: No! Oohh. SHEPHERD #3: Well, they said we were to tell everybody! SHEPHERD #4: Not people who break your bloody nose! Come on. SHEPHERD #1: Where are you going? SHEPHERD #3: Bethlehem. SHEPHERD #4: Nowhere! Good night. Uhh. MORRIS: That's right! Leave your sheep! Leave them to the wolves! Call yourselves shepherds?! You're a disgrace to the profession! SHEPHERD #2: Huh. What a rotten thing to do,... MORRIS: Yeah. SHEPHERD #2: ...to go and leave those little helpless furry bundles alone on the hillside. holy music fades in MORRIS: So they can go down to Bethlehem and get drunk. pause SHEPHERD #1: Is it A.D. yet? MORRIS: Quarter past.
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