Life of Brian Script
Scene 1: The Relationship of Men and Sheep
MORRIS: I love sheep.
SHEPHERD #2: So do I. Terrific animals. Terrific.
MORRIS: No trouble.
SHEPHERD #2: No, no trouble.
SHEPHERD #1: Except at shearing. They can play up a bit, then;
MORRIS: Oh, yeah, but I like that sort of little burst of
frenzy they have then, you know. I like it when they get a little bit
angry. Shows they're human.
SHEPHERD #1: Oh, yeah. I-- I-- I'm not saying I dislike them
at shearing, you know, but they can be a bit of a handful; can't they?
MORRIS: Well, so would you be if you had a great pair of
scissors snippin' away while someone held your back legs apart.
SHEPHERD #1: Hm.
MORRIS: You'd wiggle a bit. You'd kick up a bit of a fuss.
SHEPHERD #1: Yeah, I-- I'm not saying I just expect them to
stand around in the fields and nibble the grass and look a bit pretty.
I-- I'm not saying that.
SHEPHERD #2: Oh, but they are pretty; aren't they?
SHEPHERD #1: Oh, yeah.
SHEPHERD #2: I mean, look at that one over there against the
sky. The white of the coat, the little black face against the twinkling
MORRIS: Yes. Aww. Terrific.
SHEPHERD #1: Mhm.
MORRIS: Terrific animals.
SHEPHERD #1: Mm.
SHEPHERD #2: The little lambs in springtime.
SHEPHERD #1: Ahh.
MORRIS: The lambs, eh? Now you're talking. They're lovely, eh?
I love them.
SHEPHERD #2: Oh, so do I, Morris. I love them more than
anything. Little white furry bundles.
SHEPHERD #1: Mhmm.
MORRIS: I think, of all God's creatures, sheep have the best
SHEPHERD #2: Oh, yes. Terrific animals.
SHEPHERD #2: Terrific.
SHEPHERD #1: Yeah. They're so sure-footed.
SHEPHERD #2: Hm.
MORRIS: And quick-witted.
SHEPHERD #1: Are they quick-witted?
MORRIS: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they're quite, uh, quick-witted.
SHEPHERD #1: Mhm.
SHEPHERD #2: Always cheerful. Hmm.
SHEPHERD #1: Well, except at shearing. Hehhehheh.
MORRIS: Why are you always on about shearing?
SHEPHERD #1: I'm not always on about it, Morris.
MORRIS: You are a great deflator, you are.
SHEPHERD #1: He was--
MORRIS: Of all the moments in their little lives, you
unerringly put your finger on the one moment where they lose a little
bit of dignity. Well, I regard that as cheap, quite honestly.
SHEPHERD #2: Oh, look! Look. One of them's looking up at us.
Heh. He knows we're talkin' about him. sniff
SHEPHERD #1: Morris, don't get me wrong. I actually like their
behavior at shearing. I actually like them when they get a little bit
cross. I find that endearing.
MORRIS: That's the fantastic thing. They're beautiful to look
at, well-disposed, quite quick-witted, and yet, tough as nails.
SHEPHERD #2: sniff
SHEPHERD #2: You know, I can't think of anything I'd rather do
than watch sheep.
SHEPHERD #1: The only other animals that I would be remotely
interested in watching would be cats.
MORRIS: They don't have flocks of cats.
SHEPHERD #1: No, I-- I'm not saying they do, Morris.
MORRIS: Can you imagine a herds of cats waiting to be sheared?
Meow! Meow! Woo hoo hoo.
SHEPHERD #2: Shh! Shh. I heard something over there.
SHEPHERD #2: Could be.
SHEPHERD #2: Over there.
Take that, you buggers!
SHEPHERD #4: Oowhh.
SHEPHERD #2: That's not a wolf.
SHEPHERD #4: S-- Gordon Bennett!
SHEPHERD #3: ungh What did you do that for!?
MORRIS: I thought he was a wolf.
SHEPHERD #3: You hit him right in the face!
MORRIS: Well, he shouldn't come snooping 'round like that.
SHEPHERD #3: You wait till you hear what we've just seen! The
most incredible things just happened!
SHEPHERD #4: Don't tell 'em. Owhh.
SHEPHERD #3: We were on the hillside over there when this
SHEPHERD #4: Don't tell them! They broke my bloody nose!
SHEPHERD #3: Can't I tell them about the amazing th--
SHEPHERD #4: No! Oohh.
SHEPHERD #3: Well, they said we were to tell everybody!
SHEPHERD #4: Not people who break your bloody nose! Come on.
SHEPHERD #1: Where are you going?
SHEPHERD #3: Bethlehem.
SHEPHERD #4: Nowhere! Good night. Uhh.
MORRIS: That's right! Leave your sheep! Leave them to the
wolves! Call yourselves shepherds?! You're a disgrace to the profession!
SHEPHERD #2: Huh. What a rotten thing to do,...
SHEPHERD #2: ...to go and leave those little helpless furry
bundles alone on the hillside.
holy music fades in
MORRIS: So they can go down to Bethlehem and get drunk.
SHEPHERD #1: Is it A.D. yet?
MORRIS: Quarter past.