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Life of Brian Script

Scene 1: The Relationship of Men and Sheep

The sketch:

holy music

MORRIS: I love sheep.

SHEPHERD #2: So do I. Terrific animals. Terrific.

MORRIS: No trouble.

SHEPHERD #2: No, no trouble.

SHEPHERD #1: Except at shearing. They can play up a bit, then; can't they?

MORRIS: Oh, yeah, but I like that sort of little burst of frenzy they have then, you know. I like it when they get a little bit angry. Shows they're human.

SHEPHERD #1: Oh, yeah. I-- I-- I'm not saying I dislike them at shearing, you know, but they can be a bit of a handful; can't they?

MORRIS: Well, so would you be if you had a great pair of scissors snippin' away while someone held your back legs apart.

SHEPHERD #1: Hm.

MORRIS: You'd wiggle a bit. You'd kick up a bit of a fuss. Heh.

SHEPHERD #1: Yeah, I-- I'm not saying I just expect them to stand around in the fields and nibble the grass and look a bit pretty. I-- I'm not saying that.

SHEPHERD #2: Oh, but they are pretty; aren't they?

MORRIS: Yeah.

SHEPHERD #1: Oh, yeah.

SHEPHERD #2: I mean, look at that one over there against the sky. The white of the coat, the little black face against the twinkling stars beyond.

MORRIS: Yes. Aww. Terrific.

SHEPHERD #1: Mhm.

MORRIS: Terrific animals.

SHEPHERD #1: Mm.

SHEPHERD #2: The little lambs in springtime.

MORRIS: Oh.

SHEPHERD #1: Ahh.

MORRIS: The lambs, eh? Now you're talking. They're lovely, eh? I love them.

SHEPHERD #2: Oh, so do I, Morris. I love them more than anything. Little white furry bundles.

SHEPHERD #1: Mhmm.

MORRIS: I think, of all God's creatures, sheep have the best offspring.

SHEPHERD #2: Oh, yes. Terrific animals.

MORRIS: Mm.

SHEPHERD #2: Terrific.

SHEPHERD #1: Yeah. They're so sure-footed.

SHEPHERD #2: Hm.

MORRIS: And quick-witted.

SHEPHERD #1: Are they quick-witted?

MORRIS: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they're quite, uh, quick-witted.

SHEPHERD #1: Mhm.

SHEPHERD #2: Always cheerful. Hmm.

SHEPHERD #1: Well, except at shearing. Hehhehheh.

MORRIS: Why are you always on about shearing?

SHEPHERD #1: I'm not always on about it, Morris.

MORRIS: You are a great deflator, you are.

SHEPHERD #1: He was--

MORRIS: Of all the moments in their little lives, you unerringly put your finger on the one moment where they lose a little bit of dignity. Well, I regard that as cheap, quite honestly.

SHEPHERD #2: Oh, look! Look. One of them's looking up at us. Heh. He knows we're talkin' about him. sniff

SHEPHERD #1: Morris, don't get me wrong. I actually like their behavior at shearing. I actually like them when they get a little bit cross. I find that endearing.

MORRIS: That's the fantastic thing. They're beautiful to look at, well-disposed, quite quick-witted, and yet, tough as nails.

SHEPHERD #2: sniff

MORRIS: sniff

SHEPHERD #2: You know, I can't think of anything I'd rather do than watch sheep.

MORRIS: Mmm.

SHEPHERD #1: The only other animals that I would be remotely interested in watching would be cats.

MORRIS: They don't have flocks of cats.

SHEPHERD #1: No, I-- I'm not saying they do, Morris.

MORRIS: Can you imagine a herds of cats waiting to be sheared? Meow! Meow! Woo hoo hoo.

SHEPHERD #2: Shh! Shh. I heard something over there.

MORRIS: Wolves?

SHEPHERD #2: Could be.

MORRIS: Where?

SHEPHERD #2: Over there.

MORRIS: Right.

thump thump

Take that, you buggers!

SHEPHERD #4: Oowhh.

SHEPHERD #2: That's not a wolf.

SHEPHERD #4: S-- Gordon Bennett!

SHEPHERD #3: ungh What did you do that for!?

MORRIS: I thought he was a wolf.

SHEPHERD #3: You hit him right in the face!

MORRIS: Well, he shouldn't come snooping 'round like that.

SHEPHERD #3: You wait till you hear what we've just seen! The most incredible things just happened!

SHEPHERD #4: Don't tell 'em. Owhh.

SHEPHERD #3: We were on the hillside over there when this amazing-

SHEPHERD #4: Don't tell them! They broke my bloody nose!

SHEPHERD #3: Can't I tell them about the amazing th--

SHEPHERD #4: No! Oohh.

SHEPHERD #3: Well, they said we were to tell everybody!

SHEPHERD #4: Not people who break your bloody nose! Come on.

SHEPHERD #1: Where are you going?

SHEPHERD #3: Bethlehem.

SHEPHERD #4: Nowhere! Good night. Uhh.

MORRIS: That's right! Leave your sheep! Leave them to the wolves! Call yourselves shepherds?! You're a disgrace to the profession!

SHEPHERD #2: Huh. What a rotten thing to do,...

MORRIS: Yeah.

SHEPHERD #2: ...to go and leave those little helpless furry bundles alone on the hillside.

holy music fades in

MORRIS: So they can go down to Bethlehem and get drunk.

pause

SHEPHERD #1: Is it A.D. yet?

MORRIS: Quarter past.

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