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Monty Python and The Holy Grail

Scene 22: The Bridgekeeper Doesn't Swallow

[gurgle]

GALAHAD: There it is!

ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death!

ROBIN: Oh, great.

ARTHUR: Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four!

BEDEVERE: What is he doing here?

ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--

GALAHAD: Three questions.

ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--

GALAHAD: Three questions.

ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety.

ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong?

ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

ROBIN: Oh, I won't go.

GALAHAD: Who's going to answer the questions?

ARTHUR: Sir Robin!

ROBIN: Yes?

ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go.

ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Lancelot go?

LANCELOT: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--

ARTHUR: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--

GALAHAD: Three questions.

ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.

LANCELOT: I understand, my liege.

ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot. God be with you.

BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

LANCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your name?

LANCELOT: My name is 'Sir Lancelot of Camelot'.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest?

LANCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your favorite color?

LANCELOT: Blue.

BRIDGEKEEPER: Right. Off you go.

LANCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

ROBIN: That's easy!

BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your name?

ROBIN: 'Sir Robin of Camelot'.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest?

ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is the capital of Assyria?

[pause]

ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!

BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! What... is your name?

GALAHAD: 'Sir Galahad of Camelot'.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest?

GALAHAD: I seek the Grail.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your favorite color?

GALAHAD: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh!

BRIDGEKEEPER: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?

ARTHUR: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest?

ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

BRIDGEKEEPER: Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!

BEDEVERE: How do know so much about swallows?

ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

[suspenseful music]

[music suddenly stops]

[intermission]

[suspenseful music resumes]

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