Monty Python and The Holy Grail
Scene 23: The French Fight Dirty or Why Everyone Hates the French
BEDEVERE: Lancelot! Lancelot!
BEDEVERE: Lancelot! Lancelot!
ARTHUR: The Castle Arrrggh. Our quest is at an end! God be
praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the
FRENCH GUARD: Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur
Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French
fellows outwit you a second time!
ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I
command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of
this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!
FRENCH GUARD: How you English say, 'I one more time, mac,
unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you
think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent
running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your
aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this
FRENCH GUARD: No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my
pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you
tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this
castle by force!
In the name of God and the glory of our--
FRENCH GUARDS: [laughing]
ARTHUR: Agh. Right! That settles it!
FRENCH GUARD: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the
approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and
make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!
ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them.
FRENCH GUARD: And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced
bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you
ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt!
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting]
ARTHUR: We shall attack at once!
BEDEVERE: Yes, my liege!
ARTHUR: Stand by for attack!
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting] ...Dappy!...
ARTHUR: Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be
avenged. In the name of God,...
FRENCH GUARDS: Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...
ARTHUR: ...we shall not stop our fight till each one of you
lies dead and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen!
FRENCH GUARDS: ...Ha ha ha!...
ARMY OF KNIGHTS: Hooray!
HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure.
INSPECTOR: Come on. Anybody armed must go, too.
OFFICER #1: All right. Come on. Back.
HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Get that one.
OFFICER #1: Back. Right away.
HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Yes.
OFFICER #1: Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.
INSPECTOR: Put this man in the van.
OFFICER #1: Clear off. Come on.
BEDEVERE: With whom?
INSPECTOR: Which one?
OFFICER #1: Oh-- this one.
INSPECTOR: Come on. Put him in the van.
OFFICER #2: Get a blanket.
OFFICER #1: We have no hospital.
OFFICER #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!
OFFICER #2: Run along! Run along!
OFFICER #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon,
OFFICER #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.
OFFICER #1: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that
[film leaves gate]