Monty Python and The Holy Grail

Scene 23: The French Fight Dirty or Why Everyone Hates the French

ARTHUR: Lancelot! Lancelot! Lancelot!

BEDEVERE: Lancelot! Lancelot!

ARTHUR: Lancelot!

[police radio]

Lancelot!

BEDEVERE: Lancelot! Lancelot!

[angels sing]

[singing stops]

[ethereal music]

ARTHUR: The Castle Arrrggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy--

[twong]

[baaaa]

Jesus Christ!

[thud]

FRENCH GUARD: Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!

ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!

FRENCH GUARD: How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.

ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!

FRENCH GUARD: No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!

ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!

[splat]

In the name of God and the glory of our--

[splat]

FRENCH GUARDS: [laughing]

ARTHUR: Agh. Right! That settles it!

FRENCH GUARD: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!

ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them.

FRENCH GUARD: And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt!

FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting]

ARTHUR: We shall attack at once!

BEDEVERE: Yes, my liege!

ARTHUR: Stand by for attack!

[exciting music]

[music stops]

[silence]

French persons!

FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting] ...Dappy!...

ARTHUR: Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God,...

FRENCH GUARDS: Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...

ARTHUR: ...we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen!

FRENCH GUARDS: ...Ha ha ha!...

ARTHUR: Charge!

ARMY OF KNIGHTS: Hooray!

[police siren]

HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure.

INSPECTOR: Come on. Anybody armed must go, too.

OFFICER #1: All right. Come on. Back.

HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Get that one.

OFFICER #1: Back. Right away.

HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Yes.

OFFICER #1: Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.

INSPECTOR: Put this man in the van.

OFFICER #1: Clear off. Come on.

BEDEVERE: With whom?

INSPECTOR: Which one?

OFFICER #1: Oh-- this one.

INSPECTOR: Come on. Put him in the van.

OFFICER #2: Get a blanket.

OFFICER #1: We have no hospital.

RANDOM: Ahh.

[squeak]

RANDOM: Ooh.

OFFICER #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!

OFFICER #2: Run along! Run along!

OFFICER #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.

OFFICER #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.

INSPECTOR: Everything?

[squeak]

OFFICER #1: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.

[crash]

CAMERAMAN: Christ!

[film leaves gate]

[organ music]

Holy Grail Scripts

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