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Monty Python and The Holy Grail

Scene 13: Swamps Suck Castles

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Lancelot.

FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!

PRINCE HERBERT: What, the curtains?

FATHER: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.

HERBERT: But Mother--

FATHER: Father, lad. Father.

HERBERT: B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that.

FATHER: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.

HERBERT: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--

FATHER: Rather what?!

HERBERT: I'd rather...

[music]

...just... sing!

FATHER: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

HERBERT: B-- but I don't want land.

FATHER: Listen, Alice,--

HERBERT: Herbert.

FATHER: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

HERBERT: But-- but I don't like her.

FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land!

HERBERT: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have...

[music]

...a certain,... special... something!

FATHER: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!

[smack]

Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get him.

GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

FATHER: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.

FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.

GUARD #1: Leaving the room. Yes.

[sniff]

FATHER: All right?

GUARD #1: Right.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--

FATHER: Yes? What is it?

GUARD #1: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--

FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.

GUARD #1: Uh...

FATHER: You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?

FATHER: N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--

GUARD #1: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him--

FATHER: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--

GUARD #1: Until you or anyone else--

FATHER: No, not anyone else. Just me.

GUARD #1: Just you.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Get back.

GUARD #1: Get back.

FATHER: All right?

GUARD #1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: What?

FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: The Prince?

FATHER: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course.

GUARD #2: Hic!

GUARD #1: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

FATHER: Is that clear?

GUARD #2: Hic!

GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.

FATHER: Right. Where are you going?

GUARD #1: We're coming with you.

FATHER: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.

HERBERT: But Father!

FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!

[music]

And no singing!

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Oh, go and get a glass of water.

[clank]

[scribble scribble scribble fold fold]

[twong]

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