Monty Python and The Holy GrailScene 13: Swamps Suck CastlesNARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Lancelot. FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours! PRINCE HERBERT: What, the curtains? FATHER: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad. HERBERT: But Mother-- FATHER: Father, lad. Father. HERBERT: B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that. FATHER: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands. HERBERT: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather-- FATHER: Rather what?! HERBERT: I'd rather... [music] ...just... sing! FATHER: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. HERBERT: B-- but I don't want land. FATHER: Listen, Alice,-- HERBERT: Herbert. FATHER: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get. HERBERT: But-- but I don't like her. FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land! HERBERT: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have... [music] ...a certain,... special... something! FATHER: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him. GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get him. GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. FATHER: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave. GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Right. GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room. FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room. GUARD #1: Leaving the room. Yes. [sniff] FATHER: All right? GUARD #1: Right. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Right. GUARD #1: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we-- FATHER: Yes? What is it? GUARD #1: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh-- FATHER: Look, it's quite simple. GUARD #1: Uh... FATHER: You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right? GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Right. GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us? FATHER: N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he-- GUARD #1: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him-- FATHER: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here-- GUARD #1: Until you or anyone else-- FATHER: No, not anyone else. Just me. GUARD #1: Just you. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Get back. GUARD #1: Get back. FATHER: All right? GUARD #1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. GUARD #1: What? FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: The Prince? FATHER: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. GUARD #2: Hic! GUARD #1: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard. FATHER: Is that clear? GUARD #2: Hic! GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems. FATHER: Right. Where are you going? GUARD #1: We're coming with you. FATHER: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right. HERBERT: But Father! FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no singing! GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Oh, go and get a glass of water. [clank] [scribble scribble scribble fold fold] [twong]
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