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The Batsmen of the Kalahari / Cricket Match (Assegais)

The cast:

VOICE
Michael Palin
FIRST VOICE OVER
Terry Jones
COMMENTATOR
Michael Palin
SECOND VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
PRESENTER
Michael Palin
THIRD VOICE OVER
Graham Chapman

The sketch:

(Cut to an animated professor.)

Voice: No, what they had come across was a tribe lost to man since time immemorial... the legendary Batsmen of the Kalahari... (cut to a shot of natives playing cricket)

1st Voice Over: Primitive customs still survive here as if the march of time had passed them by. But for all the mumbo-jumbo and superstition, the Batsmen of the Kalahari are formidable fighters, as we can see on this rare footage of them in action against Warwickshire.

(Cut to a big county ground pavilion in mid-shot. We zoom in on the commentator on a balcony.)

Commentator: Warwickshire had dismissed the Kalahari Batsmen for 140, and then it was their turn to face this extraordinary Kalahari attack. Pratt was the first to go, but Pratt and Pratt put on a second wicket stand of naught, which was broken by Odinga in his most hostile mood.

(A compilation of the day's play. Natives in normal cricket gear. Pratt at crease as per usual cricket coverage. Cut to a low shot of the bowler thundering up towards the wicket. Cut away to the batsman preparing to take the shot. Cut back to the bowler. As he reaches the crease he produces a spear and raises it to shoulder height and hurls it. Cut to batsman who is hit full in the stomach. His bat dislodges the bails. There is a 'howzat' from all the native fielders. He makes an annoyed gesture as if he were Colin Cowdrey caught clean bowled, and sinks to the ground.)

CAPTION: 'B. RATT'

2nd Voice Over: That's B. Pratt, hit wicket - 0. But Pratt and Z. Pratt dug in and took the score to a half... (cut to the new batting partnership; B. Pratt's body is still on the ground) before Z. Pratt ran away. (Z. Pratt reaching the pavilion, running with a hail of spears and arrows coming after him) But out came M.J .K. Pratt... (cut to M.J.K. Pratt coming out pulling on gloves etc.) to play a real captain's innings. (he reaches the crease and takes guard, the bowler bowls) He'd taken his own score up to naught when he mistimed a shot of Bowanga and was low. (a huge spear sticks right through the lower part of his leg; they appeal and he turns and limps manfully off)

CAPTION: 'M.J.K. PRATT'

2nd Voice Over: Typical of Umbonga's hostile opening spell was his dismissal of V.E. Pratt, who offered no resistance to this delivery... (cut to native bowler bowling a machete; it hits the ground and does a leg spin up, slicing off the batsman's head as he waves his bat) ... and he was caught behind.

(The batsman's severed head lands in the wicket keeper's gloves. He throws it in the air with a flourish.)

CAPTION: 'V.E. PRATT'

(Jeremy Thorpe appears and waves. Cut to the presenter from 'World' s Most Awful Family 1974 '.)

Presenter: But by lunch the situation had changed dramatically.

3rd Voice Over: and CAPTION:
'C.U. PRATT KILLED OUTRIGHT, BOWLED ODINGA - 0
P.B.T.R. PRATT LEGS OFF BEFORE WICKET, BOWLED ODINGA- 0
B.B.C.T.V. PRATT ASSEGAI UP JACKSEY, BOWLED UNBOKO- 0
Z. PRATT MACHETE BEFORE WICKET, 'BOWLED UMBONGA- 0
M.J.K. PRATT STUMP THROUGH HEAD, BOWLED UMBONGA- 0
V.E. PRATT RAN AWAY- 0
P.D.A. PRATT RETIRED HURT- 0
W.G. PRATT RETIRED VERY HURT- 0
PRATT DIED OF FRIGHT, BOWLED ODINGA- 0
Y.E.T.A.N.O.T.H.E.R. PRATT NOT OUT BUT DREADFULLY HURT- 139.'

(Cut back to the presenter. Behind him the 'Worlds Most Awful Family' sign is crossed out and replaced with' Sport'.)

Presenter: And so with the tension Colossal as we come up to the last ball ... that's all from us.

(Roll credits on black background. The first part of the signature tune is played very hesitantly on guitar.)

PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE LIBERAL PARTY
WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY
J. THORPE (AGE 2)
C. SMITH (AGE 1 1/2)
L. BYERS (AGE O)
UNSUCCESSFUL CANDIDATES
GRAHAM CHAPMAN
LEICESTER NORTH (LOST DEPOSIT)
TERRY GILLIAM
MINNEAPOLIS NORTH (LOST DEPOSIT TWICE)
ERIC IDLE
SOUTH SHIELDS NORTH (LOST DEPOSIT BUT FOUND AN OLD ONE
WHICH HE COULD USE)
TERRY JONES
COLWYN BAY NORTH (SMALL DEPOSIT ON HIS TROUSERS)
MICHAEL PALIN
SHEFFIELD NORTH (LOST HIS TROUSERS)
MORE UNSUCCESSFUL CANDIDATES
CAROL CLEVELAND (LIBERAL)
BOB E. RAYMOND (VERY LIBERAL) PETER BRETT (EXTREMELY LIBERAL AND RATHER RUDE)
EVEN MORE UNSUCCESSFUL CANDIDATES
DOUGLAS ADAMS
SILLY WORD (NORTH)
NEIL INNES
SILLY WORDS AND MUSIC (NORTH)
(COPYRIGHT 1984 THORPE-O-HITS LTD)
MAKE-UP AND HAIRDRESSING
JO GRIMOND
MORE MAKE-UP
MAGGIE WESTON
EVEN MORE MAKE-UP
ANDREW ROSE (COSTUMES NORTH)
MUCH MORE MAKE-UP
STAN SPEEL (FILM CAMERAMAN NORTH)
MAKE-UP AND SOUND RECORDING
RON (NORTH) BLIGHT
ROSTRUM CAMERA WITH MAKE-UP
PETER WILLIS
FILM EDITOR AND NOT MAKE-UP
BOB DEARBERG
NOT FILM EDITOR NOT MAKE-UP BUT DUBBING MIXER
ROD GUEST
LIGHTING, MAKE-UP AND PRICES AND INCOMES POLICY
JIMMY PURDIE
VISUAL EFFECTS AND MR THORPE'S WIGS
JOHN HORTON
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
BRIAN JONES (MAKE-UP NORTH)
DESIGNER (NORTH)
VALERIE WARRENDER (FAR TOO LIBERAL)
PRODUCED BY
MR LLOYD GEORGE (WHO KNEW IAN MACNAUGHTON'S FATHER)
A BBC-LIBERAL-TV-PARTY PRODUCTION (NORTH)

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