Monty Python Scripts

Piston Engine (a Bargain)

The cast:

MRS ROBINSON

?

MRS NON ROBINSON

?

MRS NON GORILLA

Eric Idle

DOCTOR

Graham Chapman

MRS GORILLA

Michael Palin

MRS NON SMOKER

Terry Jones

MRS SMOKER

Graham Chapman

The sketch:

Mrs. Non-Robinson: (on radio) Morning Mrs. Robinson.

Mrs. Robinson: (on radio) Mornin Mrs. Non-Robinson.

Mrs. Non-Robinson: Been shopping?

Mrs. Robinson: No, ... I've been shopping.

During this exchange there have been six cuts to close-ups of radios of different shapes and sizes.

Mrs. Non-Robinson: What'd you buy?

Pull out to reveal a pepperpot. Mrs. Non-Gorilla sitting beside a radio on a park bench.

Mrs. Robinson: (on radio) A piston engine.

Mrs. Non-Robinson: What d'you buy that for?

Mrs. Robinson: It was a bargain.

Mrs. Non-Gorilla: Bloody rubbish. (she turns the radio off)

Quick cut to a hospital, doctor on a bed listening to a radio. It switches off.

Doctor: I wanted to listen to that!

Cut back to Mrs. Non-Gorilla. Another pepperpot approaches.

Mrs. Non-Gorilla: Morning Mrs. Gorilla.

Mrs. Gorilla: Morning Mrs. Non-Gorilla.

Mrs. Non-Gorilla: Have you been shopping?

Mrs. Gorilla: No ... been shopping.

Mrs. Non-Gorilla: Did you buy anything?

Mrs. Gorilla: A piston engine!

She reveals a six-cylinder car engine on a white tray, on a trolley.

Mrs. Non-Gorilla: What d'you buy that for?

Mrs. Gorilla: Oooh! It was a bargain.

Start to pan away from them, their voices become fainter

Mrs. Non-Gorilla: Oooohhh!

Pan across a civic park, of which the only occupants are about ten pepperpots, dressed identically, scattered across on benches. One pepperpot is in a wheelchair. We come in to Mrs. Non-Smoker, unwrapping a parcel and calling to the birds.

Mrs. Non-Smoker: Come on little birdies ... come on little birdies ... tweet tweet ... come and see what mummy's got for you ...

She unwraps the parcel revealing a leg of lamb which she hurls at the gathered birds. A screech. She kills a pigeon. She reaches in a another bag and produces two tins of pineapple chunks and throws them.

Mrs. Non-Smoker: Come on little birdies ... tweety tweety ... oooh look at this ... tweet tweet ... ooohhh nice one ... come on little birdies ...

She chortles with delight as she hurls a huge jar of mayonnaise which smashes messily. She then throws a large frozen turkey, a jar of onions, a bag of frozen peas, and a bottle of wine. We widen as Mrs. Smoker, with an identical piston engine to the last pepperpot, comes up to Mrs. Non-Smoker. Quite a large area in front of Mrs. Non-Smoker is littered with packaged foods and dead birds; a bird is pecking at a tin of paté; a small pond in front of her has a swan upside down with its feet sticking in the air, a huge tin floating beside it.

Mrs. Non-Smoker: Oohh hello, Mrs. Smoker.

Mrs. Smoker: Hello Mrs. Non-Smoker.

Mrs. Non-Smoker: What, you been shopping then?

Mrs. Smoker: Nope ... I've been shopping!

Mrs. Non-Smoker: What d'you buy?

Mrs. Smoker: A piston engine!

Mrs. Non-Smoker: What d'you buy that for?

Mrs. Smoker: It was a bargain!

Mrs. Non-Smoker: How much d'you want for it?

Mrs. Smoker: Three quid!

Mrs. Non-Smoker: Done. (she hands over the money)

Mrs. Smoker: Right. Thank you.

Mrs. Non-Smoker: How d'you cook it?

Mrs. Smoker: You don't cook it.

Mrs. Non-Smoker: You can't eat that raw!

Mrs. Smoker: Ooooh ... never thought of that. Oh, day and night, but this is wondrous strange ...

Mrs. Non-Smoker: ... and therefore is a stranger welcome it. There are more things in Heaven and Earth Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. But come, the time is out of joint. Oh cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right. Let's go together.

They get up and go. Fade to black.

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