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Monty Python Scripts

Show Jumping (Musical) / Newsflash (Germans)

The cast:

Graham Chapman
Terry Jones
Eric Idle
Eric Idle
Peter Woods

The sketch:

Cut to the scene on a TV screen and pull out from the TV to Mrs. Mock Tudor and Mrs. Elizabeth III in their sitting room watching it.

Mrs. Mock Tudor: What I want to know Mrs. Elizabeth III, is why they give us crap like that, when there's bits of the Leicester by-pass what have never been shown. Biscuit?

Mrs. Elizabeth III: (takes biscuit from plate) Oh, thank yew ...

Mrs. Mock Tudor switches her TV switch. The Arab boy winces in great pain and moves over to the set. He changes channels. Up comes a picture of the motorway again. Roller caption superimposed over the motorway. Appropriate `Crossroads' type theme music.

Voice Over: (reading the roller caption) Appearing on the M2 were 4,281 Vauxhall Vivas, 2,117 Vauxhall Vivas de luxe, 153 Vauxhall Vivas with ...

Mrs. Elizabeth III throws the switch and the Arab boy winces with real pain and turns the knob of the television set which changes channels. On the TV set we see the same two ladies watching their set as before with the tramps on it. They continue watching until the two ladies on the set speak.

Mrs. Mock Tudor: (on the TV set) Bloody repeats.

Mrs. Mock Tudor: (not on the TV set) Bloody repeats.

As before she switches switch. The Arab boy winces in pain and changes channels.

Mrs. Elizabeth III: (on the TV set) Yes, repeats or war films ... makes you want to ...

She throws the switch. The Arab boy winces in pain and turns over. The White City as for show-jumping. Close up of a mounted female rider waiting to start. Voice over of Dorian Williams.

Dorian Williams: Hello and welcome to Show-Jumping from White City ...

Mrs. Mock Tudor: Oh, moto-cross!

Dorian Williams: ... and it's Anneli Drummond-Hay on Mr. Softee just about to go into jump-off against the clock. The short pause is for the stewards who are repairing the Sound of Music. (cut to shot of stewards who are organizing eight nuns, Von Trapp in Tyrolean gear, Julie Andrews, and the six Von Trapp children into a group forming a fence; cut back to Anneli) ... Captain Phillips on `Streuth' just caught one of the nuns at the very start of what would have been a fine clear round. It's a formidable obstacle this Sound of Music -- eight nuns high but they're ready now, and singing. (the group start singing `The Hills are Alive'; the bell goes for the start of the round and the lady rider sets off towards the group) And there's the bell. She's got 1.07 seconds to beat, but she needs a clear round to win. As she comes towards the Sound of Music and ...

Cut away to the two ladies watching their TV. Shot from an angle so we can't see the screen.

Mrs. Elizabeth III: Quite exciting.

Cut back to White City to see the lady rider has just cleared the obstacle. A cheer from the crowd. The music changes to `Oklahoma'. Follow her round to see a similar group dressed as for `Oklahoma'. Ten hayseeds and six wenches with a hay wagon. Most have primitive pitch forks and are sucking on straws.

Dorian Williams: ... beautifully taken, and now she needs to pick up speed for Oklahoma, but not too much. This is where Alan Jones knocked down poor Judd, but ... And ... she's taken it superbly!

Mrs. Mock Tudor: You notice how we never actually see the horses jump.

Cheer from TV. Cut back to White City. The horse is coming away from Oklahoma. Cut to run up to Black and White Minstrels.

Mrs. Mock Tudor: Wait for it ...

Cur back to White City.

Dorian Williams: And! She's taken it ... (cheer; we actually see the lady jumper jump over the chorus of minstrels) She's over the Minstrels. She just flicked Leslie Crowther with her tail, but the time's good, and now she turns before coming into the final jump ... this is a tough one ... It's Ben-Hur -- forty-six chariots ... 6,000 spectators ... 400 slaves, lion-handlers, the Emperor Nero and the entire Coliseum. 198 feet high. 400 years across!

The lady jumper is now coming right towards the camera. Cut back to the ladies watching.

Mrs. Mock Tudor: I bet we don't see this one.

Cut back to horse actually jumping towards the camera. Cut to newsreader Peter Woods in a news studio.

Peter Woods: We interrupt show jumping to bring you a news flash. The Second World War has now entered a sentimental stage. The morning on the Ardennes Front, the Germans started spooning at dawn, but the British Fifth Army responded by gazing deep in their eyes, and the Germans are reported to have gone 'all coy'.

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