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Monty Python ScriptsToupee DepartmentThe cast:
The sketch:
Toupee Manager: Don't worry, sir, you're among friends now, sir. (the manager has an appalling toupee; Chris sees it and tries not to stare; the manager introduces his assistants) Mr. Bradford, Mr. Crawley. (Bradford and Crawley come forward; each has a toupee worst than the others) These are our fitters, sir. We've had a lot of experience. in this field and we do pride ourselves we offer the best and most discreet service available. I don't know whether you'll believe this sir, but one of us is actually wearing a toupee at this moment... Chris: Well, you all are, aren't you? (They rush to a mirror.) Bradford: Have you got one? Crawley: Yes, but I didn't know... Toupee Manager: I didn't realize that you two.., I thought it was me, Crawley: Yes, I thought it was me, Bradford: So did I. (to Crawley) That is good. Chris: Actually, I only came in here to ask where the manager's office was. Toupee Manager: Just a minute - someone told you we all had toupees? Chris: No. Crawley: Oh yeah? Bradford: How did you know? Chris: Well ... it's pretty obvious, isn't it? Crawley: What do you mean obvious! His is undetectable. Chris: Well, it's a different color, for a start. Bradford: Is it? Crawley: Course it isn't! Chris: And it doesn't fit in with the rest of his hair... it sort of sticks up in the middle. Bradford: It's better than yours. Crawley: Yes. Chris: I'm not wearing one. (they all jeer) Toupee Manager: Oh, I see, you haven't got one. Crawley: Why did you come in here then? Chris: They told me to find the manager's office here. (They all jeer again.) Bradford: Oh no, not again. Crawley: That's a bit lame, isn't it... Chris: It's the truth! All: Manager's office. (they laugh mockingly) Bradford: Yeah, look at it. Where did you get that, Mac Fishcries? Toupee Manager: Dreadful, isn't it? Crawley: Nylon? Chris: It's not, it's real look. (he pulls it) All: Oh yeah, anyone can do that. (They all do the same. Bradford incautiously pulls his loose.) Crawley: Come on, get if off. Chris: Get away. Toupee Manager: Look, do you want a proper one? Chris: No, I don't need one. Bradford: There's no need to be ashamed. Crawley: We've all owned up. Chris: I'm not wearing one. (They all look at each other for a moment, registering 'a hard case'.) Toupee Manager: Don't you see... this is something you've got to come to terms with. Chris: I am not wearing a toupee! They just told me to come in here to find the manager's office, to complain about my ant! (They look at each other.) Crawley: Pathetic, isn't it. Bradford: Complain about an ant? Toupee Manager: This is for your own good. (He grabs Chris's hair. A fight ensues in which all the assistants get their toupees dislodged. Chris is backed up against a door marked: 'Strictly no admittance'. He suddenly ducks out through this door... and lands in the...)
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Monty
Python Scripts
