(A hand holding a sign saying 'Toupees' beckons Chris Quinn.
He goes over to door and is ushered through. There are pictures of
famous bald world figures with toupees on the walls.)
Toupee Manager: Don't worry, sir, you're among friends
now, sir. (the manager has an appalling toupee; Chris sees it and
tries not to stare; the manager introduces his assistants) Mr.
Bradford, Mr. Crawley. (Bradford and Crawley come forward; each
has a toupee worst than the others) These are our fitters, sir.
We've had a lot of experience. in this field and we do pride
ourselves we offer the best and most discreet service available. I
don't know whether you'll believe this sir, but one of us is
actually wearing a toupee at this moment...
Chris: Well, you all are, aren't you?
(They rush to a mirror.)
Bradford: Have you got one?
Crawley: Yes, but I didn't know...
Toupee Manager: I didn't realize that you two.., I thought
it was me,
Crawley: Yes, I thought it was me,
Bradford: So did I. (to Crawley) That is good.
Chris: Actually, I only came in here to ask where the
manager's office was.
Toupee Manager: Just a minute - someone told you we all
Crawley: Oh yeah?
Bradford: How did you know?
Chris: Well ... it's pretty obvious, isn't it?
Crawley: What do you mean obvious! His is undetectable.
Chris: Well, it's a different color, for a start.
Bradford: Is it?
Crawley: Course it isn't!
Chris: And it doesn't fit in with the rest of his hair...
it sort of sticks up in the middle.
Bradford: It's better than yours.
Chris: I'm not wearing one. (they all jeer)
Toupee Manager: Oh, I see, you haven't got one.
Crawley: Why did you come in here then?
Chris: They told me to find the manager's office here.
(They all jeer again.)
Bradford: Oh no, not again.
Crawley: That's a bit lame, isn't it...
Chris: It's the truth!
All: Manager's office. (they laugh mockingly)
Bradford: Yeah, look at it. Where did you get that, Mac
Toupee Manager: Dreadful, isn't it?
Chris: It's not, it's real look. (he pulls it)
All: Oh yeah, anyone can do that.
(They all do the same. Bradford incautiously pulls his loose.)
Crawley: Come on, get if off.
Chris: Get away.
Toupee Manager: Look, do you want a proper one?
Chris: No, I don't need one.
Bradford: There's no need to be ashamed.
Crawley: We've all owned up.
Chris: I'm not wearing one.
(They all look at each other for a moment, registering 'a hard
Toupee Manager: Don't you see... this is something you've
got to come to terms with.
Chris: I am not wearing a toupee! They just told me to
come in here to find the manager's office, to complain about my ant!
(They look at each other.)
Crawley: Pathetic, isn't it.
Bradford: Complain about an ant?
Toupee Manager: This is for your own good.
(He grabs Chris's hair. A fight ensues in which all the
assistants get their toupees dislodged. Chris is backed up against a
door marked: 'Strictly no admittance'. He suddenly ducks out through
this door... and lands in the...)