Monty Python ScriptsThe Cheese ShopThe cast:
The sketch:Customer walks in the Henry Wenslydale's Cheese shop and walks past the bazouki player. Customer: Good Morning. Wenslydale: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium! Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man. Wenslydale: What can I do for you, Sir? Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish. Wenslydale: Peckish, sir? Customer: Esuriant. Wenslydale: Eh? Customer: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike! Wenslydale: Ah, hungry! Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles! Wenslydale: Come again? Customer: I want to buy some cheese. Wenslydale: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player! Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse! Wenslydale: Sorry? Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too! Wenslydale: So he can go on playing, can he? Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man. Wenslydale: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like? Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester. Wenslydale: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir. Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit? Wenslydale: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday. Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please. Wenslydale: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning. Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese? Wenslydale: Sorry, sir. Customer: Red Windsor? Wenslydale: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down. Customer: Ah. Stilton? Wenslydale: Sorry. Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere? Wenslydale: No. Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance. Wenslydale: No. Customer: Lipta? Wenslydale: No. Customer: Lancashire? Wenslydale: No. Customer: White Stilton? Wenslydale: No. Customer: Danish Brew? Wenslydale: No. Customer: Double Goucester? Wenslydale: (pause) No. Customer: Cheshire? Wenslydale: No. Customer: Dorset Bluveny? Wenslydale: No. Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson? Wenslydale: No. Customer: Camenbert, perhaps? Wenslydale: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir. Customer: (surprised) You do! Excellent. Wenslydale: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny... Customer: Oh, I like it runny. Wenslydale: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir. Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah! Wenslydale: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir. Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed. Wenslydale: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause) Customer: What now? Wenslydale: The cat's eaten it. Customer: (pause) Has he. Wenslydale: She, sir. (pause) Customer: Gouda? Wenslydale: No. Customer: Edam? Wenslydale: No. Customer: Case Ness? Wenslydale: No. Customer: Smoked Austrian? Wenslydale: No. Customer: Japanese Sage Darby? Wenslydale: No, sir. Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you? Wenslydale: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got-- Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. Wenslydale: Fair enough. Customer: Uuuuuh, Wenslydale. Wenslydale: Yes? Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that! Wenslydale: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wenslydale, that's my name. (pause) Customer: Greek Feta? Wenslydale: Uh, not as such. Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola? Wenslydale: no Customer: Parmesan, Wenslydale: no Customer: Mozzarella, Wenslydale: no Customer: Paper Cramer, Wenslydale: no Customer: Danish Bimbo, Wenslydale: no Customer: Czech sheep's milk, Wenslydale: no Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese? Wenslydale: Not *today*, sir, no. (pause) Customer: Aah, how about Cheddar? Wenslydale: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir. Customer: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world! Wenslydale: Not 'round here, sir. Customer:
Wenslydale: 'Illchester, sir. Customer: IS it. Wenslydale: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire. Customer: Is it. Wenslydale: It's our number one best seller, sir! Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh? Wenslydale: Right, sir. Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'. Wenslydale: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it? Wenslydale: Finest in the district! Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please. Wenslydale: Well, it's so clean, sir! Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.... Wenslydale: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir. Customer: Would it be worth it? Wenslydale: Could be.... Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF! Wenslydale: Told you sir.... Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger? Wenslydale: No. Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me Wenslydale: Yessir? Customer: Have you in fact got any cheese here at all. Wenslydale: Yessir. Customer: Really? (pause) Wenslydale: No. Not really, sir. Customer: You haven't. Wenslydale: No sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir. Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you. Wenslydale: Right-o, sir. The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner. Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
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Monty
Python Scripts