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Monty Python Scripts

Anne Elk's Theory on Brontosauruses

The cast:

Graham Chapman
John Cleese

The sketch:

Presenter: Good evening. Tonight: "dinosaurs". I have here, sitting in the studio next to me, an elk. Ahhhh!!! Oh, I'm sorry! Anne Elk - Mrs. Anne Elk

Anne Elk: Miss!

Presenter: Miss Anne Elk, who is an expert on di...

Anne Elk: N' n' n' n' no! Anne Elk!

Presenter: What?

Anne Elk: Anne Elk, not Anne Expert!

Presenter: No! No, I was saying that you, Miss Anne Elk, were an , A-N not A-N-N-E, expert...

Anne Elk: Oh!

Presenter: ...on elks - I'm sorry, on dinosaurs. I'm ...

Anne Elk: Yes, I certainly am, Chris. How very true. My word yes.

Presenter: Now, Miss Elk - Anne - you have a new theory about the brontosaurus.

Anne Elk: Can I just say here, Chris for one moment, that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus?

Presenter: Uh... Exactly... What is it?

Anne Elk: Where?

Presenter: No! No, what is your theory?

Anne Elk: What is my theory?

Presenter: Yes!

Anne Elk: What is my theory that it is? Yes. Well, you may well ask what is my theory.

Presenter: I am asking.

Anne Elk: And well you may. Yes, my word, you may well ask what it is, this theory of mine. Well, this theory, that I have, that is to say, which is mine,... is mine.

Presenter: I know it's yours! What is it?

Anne Elk: ... Where? ... Oh! Oh! What is my theory?

Presenter: Yes!

Anne Elk: Ahh! My theory, that I have, follows the lines that I am about to relate. (starts prolonged throat clearing)

Presenter: (under breath) Oh, God! (Anne still clearing throat)

Anne Elk: The Theory, by A. Elk (that's "A" for Anne", it's not by a elk.)

Presenter: Right...

Anne Elk: (clears throat) This theory, which belongs to me, is as follows... (more throat clearing) This is how it goes... (clears throat) The next thing that I am about to say is my theory. (clears throat) Ready?

Presenter: (whimpers)

Anne Elk: The Theory, by A. Elk (Miss). My theory is along the following lines...

Presenter: (under breath) God!

Anne Elk: ...All brontosauruses are thin at one end; much, much thicker in the middle and then thin again at the far end. That is the theory that I have and which is mine and what it is, too.

Presenter: That's it, is it?

Anne Elk: Right, Chris!

Presenter: Well, Anne, this theory of yours seems to have hit the nail right on the head.

Anne Elk: ... and it's mine.

Presenter: Thank you for coming along to the studio.

Anne Elk: My pleasure, Chris.

Presenter: Britain's newest wasp farm...

Anne Elk: It's been a lot of fun...

Presenter: ...opened last week...

Anne Elk: ...saying what my theory is...

Presenter: ... Yes, thank you.

Anne Elk: ...and whose it is.

Presenter: Yes.... opened last week...

Anne Elk: I have another theory.

Presenter: Not today, thank you.

Anne Elk: My theory #2, which is the second theory that I have. (clears throat). This theory...

Presenter: Look! Shut up!

Anne Elk: what I am about to say.

Presenter: Please shut up!

Anne Elk: which, with what I have said, are the two theories that are mine and which belong to me.

Presenter: If you don't shut up, I shall have to shoot you!

Anne Elk: (clears throat) My theory, which I posses the ownership of, which belongs to... (Sound of a single gun shot)

Anne Elk: (clearing throat) The Theory the Second, by Anne... (Sound of prolonged machine gun fire)

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