(James Bond style opening titles with pictures of a pantomime
THE PANTOMIME HORSE IS A SECRET AGENT FILM.
WRITTEN BY TALBOT ROTHWELL AND MIREILLE MATHIEU.
BASED ON AN IDEA BY EDWARD VII.
DIRECTED BY QUEEN JULIANA OF THE NETHERLANDS.
PRODUCED BY SIR ALEC DOUGLAS-HOME AND KING HAAKON OF NORWAY.
A CORPSE-HAKKON PRODUCTION'.
(Cut to an idyllic scene - a boat drifting serenely on a
river. A beautiful girl lies reclining in one end of the boat. A
hoof appears round Carol's shoulders.)
Girl: Oh pantomime horse, that was wonderful. -
Dobbin: Would you like another glass?
Girl: No, no, I mustn't. It makes me throw up... oh, I'm
so bleeding happy.
Dobbin: Oh, Simone!
Girl: Oh, pantomime horse.
(Cut to Graham in loony get up.)
(The pantomime horse spins round and fires his revolver
towards some trees overhanging the water. Another pantomime horse
falls out of the tree into the water. A third pantomime horse
scurries out bin behind a bush and runs off into the undergrowth.
Dobbin leaps out of the boat. The girl jumps after him. A car drives
out of some bushes on to the road and accelerates away. The
pantomime horse is in it. Dobbin and the girl leap into their own
expensive sports car and give chase. Shots of exciting chase. After
two or three shots of the cars chasing, the two pantomime hones are
seen on two tandems, continuing the chase. Cut to them chasing each
other on horseback. Cut to them chasing each other on rickshaws. Cut
to them chasing each other on foot.)
Voice Over: And now the English pantomime horse has very
nearly caught up with the Russian pantomime horse, I think he's
going to take him any moment now but what is this? What is this?
(round the comer are waiting a pantomime goose and a pantomime
Princess Margaret; the Russian pantomime horse runs past them and
they leap on the English pantomime horse and a fight starts) Yes
it's pantomime Princess Margaret and the pantomime goose and they're
attacking the English pantomime horse and the Russian pantomime
horse has got away. But who is this? (a car draws up and Terence
Rattigan and the Duke of Kent and the RSM run up and join in the
fighting; the Russians are joined by Heinz Sielmann and Peter Scott
and Jacques Cousteau) My goodness me it's the Duke of Kent to
(The fighting continues, behind, while the credits roll in
front, reading as follows:)
TONY M. NYPHOT'S FLYING RISCCU
SAW CODVENICE, TWITNER
DNA FORDEPERM YB
TORN JERSEY (5.5)
B. B. LURCOO
Voice Over: (German accent) Here you see some
English comic actors engaged in a life or death struggle with a
rather weak ending. This is typical of the zany madcap world of the
irresistible kooky funsters. The English pantomime horse wins and so
is assured of a place in British history and a steady job in a
merchant bank. Unfortunately, before his pension fights are assured,
he catches bronchitis and dies, another victim of the need to finish
these shows on time.
(Shot of pantomime horse in bed with his legs sticking in the
CAPTION: 'ETH NED'