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Monty Python Scripts

Army Captain as Clown

The cast:

Terry Jones
Michael Palin

The sketch:

(Cut to backdrop of a circus ring. In front of it, as if in the ring, stand the RSM and Mr. Man. Mr. Man is as before. The RSM is dressed the same except that over his uniform he wears baggy trousers and braces and a funny nose. He is responding to the audience applause. Mr. Man has obviously just been drenched with hot water - he is soaked and steam is rising.)

RSM: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you and now for the fish - the fish down the trousers. (the RSM picks up fish and puts it down Mr. Man's trousers) It's your laugh mate it's not mine. It's your trousers - not my trousers - it's your trousers - and now for the whitewash. (the RSM pours a bucket of whitewash over him) The whitewash over you - not over me. It's over you. You get the laugh. You get all .the laughs. And now for the custard pie in the mush. (more laughter, the RSM puts custard pie in his face and knees him in the balls) It's not my mush - it's your mush. It's your laugh - it's your laugh mate - not mine. It's your bleeding laugh.

(Cut to stock film of Mr. Heath laughing followed by stock film of Women's Institute applauding.)

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