Vicar: Hello, I'm your new vicar. Can I interest you in
Mrs. Shazam: Ah, no thank you. We're not Church people,
(The vicar opens his suitcase to reveal it is packed with
Vicar: How about brushes? Nylon or bristle? Strong-tufted,
Mrs. Shazam: No - really, thank you, vicar.
Vicar: Oh dear ... Turkey? Cup final tickets?
Mrs. Shazam: No, no really, we're just not religious thank
Vicar: Oh, well. Bye bye.
Mrs. Shazam: Bye bye, vicar. (she shuts the door, as
she returns to seat the vicar pops his head round the door again)
Vicar: Remember, if you do want anything... jewelry, Ascot
Mrs. Shazam: Thank you, vicar. (he goes) It's
funny, isn't it? How your best friend can just blow up like that? I
mean, you wouldn't think it was medically possible, would you?
(Cut to a doctor in a posh consulting room.)
Doctor: This is where Mrs. Shazam was so wrong. Exploding
is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon. In many fields of medicine
nowadays, a dose of dynamite can do a world of good. For instance,
athlete's foot - an irritating condition - can be cured by applying
a small charge of TNT between each toe. (doorbell) Excuse me.
(he opens the door)
Vicar: Hello, I'm your new vicar, can I interest you in
any of these watches, pens or biros? (exhibits the collection
inside his jacket)
Doctor: No ... I'm not religious, I'm afraid.
Vicar: Oh, souvenirs, badges... a little noddy dog for the
back of the car?
Doctor: No thank you, vicar. Good morning.
Vicar: Oh, morning.
(He shuts the door.)
Doctor: Now, many of the medical profession are skeptical
about my work. They point to my record of treatment of athlete's
foot sufferers - eighty-four dead, sixty-five severely wounded and
twelve missing believed cured. But then, people laughed at Bob Hope,
people laughed at my wife when she wrapped herself up in greaseproof
paper and hopped into the Social Security office, but that doesn't
mean that Pasteur was wrong! Look, I'll show you what I mean.
(goes to a wall diagram of two skeletons and taps one with a rod)
Skeleton: Watch it, mate. I'm not going to stay round here
getting poked and prodded all day. (clips a face on and moves off
the diagram) I'm off.., I've got a decent body, all I get is
poked and prodded in the chest. (moving through countryside)
Well, I'm off. I'm going to get another line of work. (goes past
various warning signs)
Voice: Watch it!
Voice: Don't go any further!
Voice: Turn back!
(The sprocket holes at the side of the film come into view.)
Voice: Stop! Oh, please stop!
(The skeleton moves past the sprocket holes and falls into
Voice: Oh, my god, he's fallen off the edge of the
Voice: Well, so much for that link.