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Monty Python Scripts

The Dirty Vicar Sketch

The cast:

Carol Cleveland
Caron Garden
Graham Chapman
Terry Jones
Eric Idle

The sketch:

Cut to two ladies taking tea in an Edwardian drawing room.

First Lady: Have you seen Lady Windermere's new carriage, dear?

Second Lady: Absolutely enchanting!

First Lady: Isn't it!

Chivers the butler enters.

Chivers: (Graham) The new vicar to see you, m'lady.

First Lady: Ah, send him in, Chivers.

Chivers: Certainly, m'lady. (he goes)

Enter a Swiss mountaineer in Tyrolean hat, lederhosen, haversack, ice pick, etc. Followed by two men in evening dress. They look round and exit.

First Lady: Now, how is your tea, dear? A little more water perhaps?

Second Lady: Thank you. It is delightful as it is.

Chivers: The Reverend Ronald Simms, the Dirty Vicar of St Michael's ... ooh!

Chivers is obviously goosed from behind by the Dirty Vicar.

Vicar: (Terry J.) Cor, what a lovely bit of stuff. I'd like to get my fingers around those knockers.

He pounces upon the second lady, throws her skirt over her head and pushes her over the back of the sofa, then rolls around on top of her.

First Lady: How do you find the vicarage?

The vicar stands up from behind the sofa, his shirt open and his hair awry; he reaches over and puts his hand down the first lady's front.

Vicar: I like tits!

First Lady: Oh vicar! vicar!

The vicar suddenly pulls back and looks around him as if in the horror of dawning realization.

Vicar: Oh my goodness. I do beg your pardon. How dreadful! The first day in my new parish, I completely ... so sorry!

First Lady: (adjusting her dress) Yes. Never mind, never mind. Chivers -- send Mary in with a new gown, will you?

The second lady struggles to her feet from behind the couch, completely disheveled. Her own gown completely ripped open.

Chivers: Certainly, m'lady.

Vicar: (to the second lady) I do beg your pardon ... I must sit down.

First Lady: As I was saying, how do you find the new vicarage?

They take their seats on the couch.

Vicar: Oh yes, certainly, yes indeed, I find the grounds delightful, and the servants most attentive and particularly the little serving maid with the great big knockers, and when she gets going...

He throws himself on the hostess across the tea table, knocking it over and they disappear over the back of the hostess's chair. Grunts etc. Enter Dickie applauding. Also, we hear audience applause.

Dickie: Well, there we are, another year has been too soon alas ended and I think none more than myself can be happier at this time than I ... am.

The cast of the sketch stand in a line at the back, looking awkward and smiling. Fade out.

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