Cut to John Rickman type person with hat which he raises.
There are white rails behind him which might be a racecourse.
Rickman: Good afternoon and welcome to Wife-Swapping from Redcar. And
the big news this morning that the British boy Boris Rogers has
succeeded in swapping his nine-stone Welsh-born wife for a Ford
Popular and a complete set of Dickens. Well now, I can see they're
ready at the start and so let's go over now for the start of the
Cut to high shot of a street with about 10 houses on each
Rickman: And first let's catch up with the latest news of the betting.
No. 12 Betty Parkinson 7/4 on fav
No. 27 Mrs. E. Colyer 9/4
No. 14 Mrs. Casey 4/1
Voice Over: Number 12 Betty Parkinson 7 to 4 on favorite, number 27 Mrs.
Colyer 9 to 4, 5 to 1 bar those.
Rickman: And here's the starter Mrs. Alec Marsh, (she climbs onto a
rostrum and fires a gun) and they're off.
One of the doors opens and a lady rushes across the street
into another house. Other doors start opening up and down the
street, with ladies criss-crossing out of each other's houses. About
twenty seconds of this high activity.
Rickman: And Mrs. Rogers is the first to show, there she goes into Mr.
Johnson's, and Mrs. Johnson across to Mr. Colyer, followed closely
by Mrs. Casey on the inside. Mrs. Parkinson, number 12, going well
there into Mr. Webster's from the Co-op, Mrs. Colyer's making ground
fast after a poor start, she's out of Mr. Casey's into Mr.
Parkinson's, she's a couple of lengths ahead of Mrs. Johnson who's
still not out of Mr. Casey's. Mrs. Penguin and at number 8 Mrs.
Colyer -- these two now at the head of the field from Mrs. Brown,
Mrs. Atkins, Mrs. Parkinson, Mrs. Warner and Mrs. Rudd -- all still at
Mr. Philips's. Mrs. Penguin making the running now, challenged
strongly by Mrs. Casey, Mrs. Casey coming very fast on the inside,
it's going to be Mrs. Casey coming from behind. Now she's making a
break on the outside, Mrs. Penguin running ... and at the line,
it's Mrs. Casey who's got it by a short head from Mrs. Penguin in
second place, Mrs. Parkinson in third, Mrs. Rudd, Mrs. Colyer, Mrs.
Warner and there's Mrs. Griffiths who's remained unswapped.
One lady is left in the middle of the road. Cut back to
Rickman at the course railing.
Rickman: Well, a very exciting race there, and I have with me now the
man who owned and trained the winner, Mrs. Casey -- Mr. Casey. Well
Mr. Casey: Thank you, John.
Rickman: Well, were you at all surprised about this, Jack?
Mr. Casey: No, not really, no she's been going very well in training, and
at Doncaster last week, and I fancy her very strongly for the
Rickman: Well, thank you very much indeed, Jack. We must leave you now
because it's time for the team event.
Peter West type figure in a white DJ standing with five ladies
in ball gowns and two gentlemen.
CAPTION: Come Wife-Swapping -- North West v the South East
Peter: Hello, and a very warm welcome from the Tower ballroom suite
at Reading, where there's very little in it, they're neck and
neck, crop and grummit, real rack and saddle, brick and bucket,
horse and tooth, cap and thigh, arse over tip, they're absolutely
birds of a feather, there's not a new pin in it, you couldn't get
a melon between them. Well, now, everything rests on the formation
event and here comes the North West with the Mambo. Maestro, take
it away, please.
Cut to two lines of ballroom dancers, ladies opposite
gentlemen, sixteen altogether. The ladies are in nasty tulle, the
gents in tails, with numbers on their backs. Mambo music starts its
intro. At the back of the hall a large banner says `Mecca
Wife-Swapping'. The men bow and the ladies curtsey; each pair joins
hands and they wait for a few bars. Then the two teams start
grabbing each other and wrestling on the ground. A vast orgy breaks
out as they roll all over the floor. Cut quickly to Frank Bough in
the `Grandstand' studio.
Frank Bough: And now it's time for Rugby League, and highlights of this
afternoon's game between Keighley and Hull Kingston Rovers.
Cut to a field where mud-caked rugby league players, one team
in hooped shirts and the other in red, are getting ready for a
CAPTION: Keighley 2 Hull K.R. 23
Eddie Waring: (voice over) Well, good afternoon and as you can see,
Hull Kingston Rovers are well in the lead, it's a scrum down on
the twenty-five for Keighley, Tom Colyer with the put-in, Mrs.
Colyer to be put.
The scrum has formed up, the scrum half has a dummy woman,
small and light but real looking, tucked under his arm, while he
steadies the scrum. He puts her into the scrum, and after a lot of
kicking she is eventually heeled out.
Eddie Waring: And there goes his wife into the scrum. And Hull have got the
heel against the head. Doing nicely with this scrum, some very
good picking here. Warrington's picked her up, is he going to let
her go, Wrigley's with him, grand lad is this.
Mrs. Colyer is picked up by the scrum half who makes a run with
her. Handing off a strong tackle and dodging with her, he side steps
and slips Mrs. Colyer to a back who makes a run through and touches
her down between the posts. They leave the lady dumped down between
the posts and run to congratulate and hug each other.
Eddie Waring: Well, that was right on the whistle, Rovers walkin' it there,
winnin' easily by twenty-six points to two.
Cut to Frank Bough again in the `Grandstand' set.
Frank Bough: Just a reminder that on `Match of the Day' tonight you can see
highlights of two of this afternoon's big games: Mrs. Robinson v
Manchester United and Southampton v Mr. Rogers, a rather unusual
game that. And here's a late result... Coventry nil, Mr. Johnson's
Una three -- Coventry going down at home, there. Just a little
reminder that the next sport you can see on BBC1 will be 9.20 on
Wednesday night, when `Wife Swapping with Coleman' comes live from
my place. Till then, goodnight.