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Monty Python Scripts

International Wife-Swapping

The cast:

Michael Palin
Eric Idle
Terry Jones
Eric Idle
Michael Palin
Eric Idle

The sketch:

Cut to John Rickman type person with hat which he raises. There are white rails behind him which might be a racecourse.

Rickman: Good afternoon and welcome to Wife-Swapping from Redcar. And the big news this morning that the British boy Boris Rogers has succeeded in swapping his nine-stone Welsh-born wife for a Ford Popular and a complete set of Dickens. Well now, I can see they're ready at the start and so let's go over now for the start of the 3.30.

Cut to high shot of a street with about 10 houses on each side.

Rickman: And first let's catch up with the latest news of the betting.

No. 12 Betty Parkinson 7/4 on fav
No. 27 Mrs. E. Colyer 9/4
No. 14 Mrs. Casey 4/1
5/1 bar

Voice Over: Number 12 Betty Parkinson 7 to 4 on favorite, number 27 Mrs. Colyer 9 to 4, 5 to 1 bar those.

Rickman: And here's the starter Mrs. Alec Marsh, (she climbs onto a rostrum and fires a gun) and they're off.

One of the doors opens and a lady rushes across the street into another house. Other doors start opening up and down the street, with ladies criss-crossing out of each other's houses. About twenty seconds of this high activity.

Rickman: And Mrs. Rogers is the first to show, there she goes into Mr. Johnson's, and Mrs. Johnson across to Mr. Colyer, followed closely by Mrs. Casey on the inside. Mrs. Parkinson, number 12, going well there into Mr. Webster's from the Co-op, Mrs. Colyer's making ground fast after a poor start, she's out of Mr. Casey's into Mr. Parkinson's, she's a couple of lengths ahead of Mrs. Johnson who's still not out of Mr. Casey's. Mrs. Penguin and at number 8 Mrs. Colyer -- these two now at the head of the field from Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Atkins, Mrs. Parkinson, Mrs. Warner and Mrs. Rudd -- all still at Mr. Philips's. Mrs. Penguin making the running now, challenged strongly by Mrs. Casey, Mrs. Casey coming very fast on the inside, it's going to be Mrs. Casey coming from behind. Now she's making a break on the outside, Mrs. Penguin running ... and at the line, it's Mrs. Casey who's got it by a short head from Mrs. Penguin in second place, Mrs. Parkinson in third, Mrs. Rudd, Mrs. Colyer, Mrs. Warner and there's Mrs. Griffiths who's remained unswapped.

One lady is left in the middle of the road. Cut back to Rickman at the course railing.

Rickman: Well, a very exciting race there, and I have with me now the man who owned and trained the winner, Mrs. Casey -- Mr. Casey. Well done, Jack.

Mr. Casey: Thank you, John.

Rickman: Well, were you at all surprised about this, Jack?

Mr. Casey: No, not really, no she's been going very well in training, and at Doncaster last week, and I fancy her very strongly for the Cheltenham weekend.

Rickman: Well, thank you very much indeed, Jack. We must leave you now because it's time for the team event.

Peter West type figure in a white DJ standing with five ladies in ball gowns and two gentlemen.

CAPTION: Come Wife-Swapping -- North West v the South East

Peter: Hello, and a very warm welcome from the Tower ballroom suite at Reading, where there's very little in it, they're neck and neck, crop and grummit, real rack and saddle, brick and bucket, horse and tooth, cap and thigh, arse over tip, they're absolutely birds of a feather, there's not a new pin in it, you couldn't get a melon between them. Well, now, everything rests on the formation event and here comes the North West with the Mambo. Maestro, take it away, please.

Cut to two lines of ballroom dancers, ladies opposite gentlemen, sixteen altogether. The ladies are in nasty tulle, the gents in tails, with numbers on their backs. Mambo music starts its intro. At the back of the hall a large banner says `Mecca Wife-Swapping'. The men bow and the ladies curtsey; each pair joins hands and they wait for a few bars. Then the two teams start grabbing each other and wrestling on the ground. A vast orgy breaks out as they roll all over the floor. Cut quickly to Frank Bough in the `Grandstand' studio.

Frank Bough: And now it's time for Rugby League, and highlights of this afternoon's game between Keighley and Hull Kingston Rovers.

Cut to a field where mud-caked rugby league players, one team in hooped shirts and the other in red, are getting ready for a scrum.

CAPTION: Keighley 2 Hull K.R. 23

Eddie Waring: (voice over) Well, good afternoon and as you can see, Hull Kingston Rovers are well in the lead, it's a scrum down on the twenty-five for Keighley, Tom Colyer with the put-in, Mrs. Colyer to be put.

The scrum has formed up, the scrum half has a dummy woman, small and light but real looking, tucked under his arm, while he steadies the scrum. He puts her into the scrum, and after a lot of kicking she is eventually heeled out.

Eddie Waring: And there goes his wife into the scrum. And Hull have got the heel against the head. Doing nicely with this scrum, some very good picking here. Warrington's picked her up, is he going to let her go, Wrigley's with him, grand lad is this.

Mrs. Colyer is picked up by the scrum half who makes a run with her. Handing off a strong tackle and dodging with her, he side steps and slips Mrs. Colyer to a back who makes a run through and touches her down between the posts. They leave the lady dumped down between the posts and run to congratulate and hug each other.

Eddie Waring: Well, that was right on the whistle, Rovers walkin' it there, winnin' easily by twenty-six points to two.

Cut to Frank Bough again in the `Grandstand' set.

Frank Bough: Just a reminder that on `Match of the Day' tonight you can see highlights of two of this afternoon's big games: Mrs. Robinson v Manchester United and Southampton v Mr. Rogers, a rather unusual game that. And here's a late result... Coventry nil, Mr. Johnson's Una three -- Coventry going down at home, there. Just a little reminder that the next sport you can see on BBC1 will be 9.20 on Wednesday night, when `Wife Swapping with Coleman' comes live from my place. Till then, goodnight.

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