Monty Python ScriptsAgatha Christie Sketch (Railway Timetables)The cast:
The sketch:(Cut to an upper-class drawing room. An elderly man lies dead on the floor. Enter Jasmina and John.) Jasmina: Anyway, John, you can catch the 11.30 from Hornchurch and be in Basingstoke by one o'clock, oh, and there's a buffet car and... (sees corpse) oh! Daddy! John: My hat! Sir Horace! Jasmina: (not daring to look) Has he been... John: Yes - after breakfast. But that doesn't matter now... he's dead. Jasmina: Oh! Poor daddy... John: Looks like I shan't be catching the 11.30 now. Jasmina: Oh no, John, you mustn't miss your train. John: How could I think of catching a train when I should be here helping you? Jasmina: Oh, John, thank you... anyway you could always catch the 9.30 tomorrow - it goes via Caterham and Chipstead. John: Or the 9.45's even better. Jasmina: Oh, but you'd have to change at Lambs Green. John: Yes, but there's only a seven-minute wait now. Jasmina: Oh, yes, of course, I'd forgotten it was Friday. Oh, who could have done this. (Enter Lady Partridge.) Lady Partridge: Oh, do hurry Sir Horace, your train leaves in twenty-eight minutes, and if you miss the 10.15 you won't catch the 3.45 which means ... oh! John: I'm afraid Sir Horace won't be catching the 10.15, Lady Partridge. Lady Partridge: Has he been... ? Jasmina: Yes - after breakfast. John: Lady Partridge, I'm afraid you can cancel his seat reservation. Lady Partridge: Oh, and it was back to the engine - fourth coach along so that he could see the gradient signs outside Swanborough. John: Not any more Lady Partridge... the line's been closed. Lady Partridge: Closed! Not Swanborough! John: I'm afraid so. (Enter Inspector Davis.) Inspector: All fight, nobody move. I'm Inspector Davis of Scotland Yard. John: My word, you were here quickly, inspector. Inspector: Yeah, I got the 8.55 Pullman Express from King's Cross and missed that bit around Hornchurch. Lady Partridge: It's a very good train. All: Excellent, very good, delightful. (Tony runs in through the french windows. He wears white flannels and boater and is jolly upper-class.) Tony: Hello everyone. All: Tony! Tony: Where's daddy? (seeing him) Oh golly! Has he been... ? John and Jasmina: Yes, after breakfast. Tony: Then ... he won't be needing his reservation on the 10.15. John: Exactly. Tony: And I suppose as his eldest son it must go to me. Inspector: Just a minute, Tony There's a small matter of... murder. Tony: Oh, but surely he simply shot himself and then hid the gun. Lady Partridge: How could anyone shoot himself and then hide the gun without first cancelling his reservation. Tony: Ha, ha! Well, I must dash or I'll be late for the 10.15. Inspector: I suggest yOu murdered your father for his seat reservation. Tony: I may have had the motive, inspector, but I could not have done it, for I have only just arrived from Gillingham on the 8.13 and here's my restaurant car ticket to prove it. Jasmina: The 8. 13 from Gillingham doesn't have a restaurant car. John: It's a standing buffet only. Tony: Oh, er... did I say the 8.13, I meant the 7.58 stopping train. Lady Partridge: But the 7.58 stopping train arrived at Swindon at 8.19 owing to annual point maintenance at Wisborough Junction. John: So how did you make the connection with the 8. I3 which left six minutes earlier? Tony: Oh, er, simple! I caught the 7.16 Football Special arriving at Swindon at 8.09. Jasmina: But the 7.16 Football Special only stops at Swindon on alternate Saturdays. Lady Partridge: Yes, surely you mean the Holidaymaker Special. Tony: Oh, yes! How daft of me. Of course I came on the Holidaymaker Special calling at Bedford, Colmworth, Fen Dinon, Sutton, Wallington and Gillingham. Inspector: That's Sundays only! Tony: Damn. All fight, I confess I did it. I killed him for his reservation, but you won't take me alive! I'm going to throw myself under the 10.12 from Reading. John: Don't be a fool, Tony, don't do it, the 10.12 has the new narrow traction bogies, you wouldn't stand a chance. Tony: Exactly. (Tableau. Loud chord and slow curtain.)
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