(In long shot now. The Mayor, who is nine foot high, and
dignitaries approach a startled Praline. Organ music below a
reverent voice over:)
Voice Over: And now, there is the Mayor. Surely the third
tallest mayor in Derby's history. And there are the Aldermen
magnificently resplendent in their Aldermanic hose and just look at
the power in those thighs. The New Zealanders are going to find it
pretty tough going in the set pieces in the second half... So Dawn
Palethorpe with one clear round on Sir Gerald... and now the Mayor
has reached the Great Customer Mr. Eric Praline. (the mayor takes
a piece of Paper from the post office man) And now the Mayoral
human being takes the Mayoral Pen in the Mayoral hand and watched by
the Lady Mayotess, who of course scored that magnificent try in the
first half, signs the fishy exemption (the mayor signs it and
hands it to Praline) and the Great Customer, Mr. Eric Praline,
who is understandably awed by the magnificence and even the
absurdity of this great occasion here at Cardiff Arms Park,
(Praline looks very confused) has finally gone spare and there
is the going spare look on the front of his head. And now the
Aldermen are finishing their oranges and leaving the post office for
the start of the second half.
(They all exit out of door, eating oranges, and Praline looks
after them. Cut to a rugby field Crowd roaring as the aldermen,
mayor, mayoress, town clerk, Dawn Palethorpe (on a horse) and the
borough surveyor run onto the pitch and take up their positions.)
Commentator: And here come the Derby Council XV following
the All Blacks out on to the pitch. There, in the centre of the
picture you can see Dawn Palethorpe on Sir Gerald - one of the
fastest wingers we must have seen in England this season. On the
left hand side of the picture the Lord Mayor has been running such
wonderful possession for Derby Council in the lines out and it's the
All Blacks to kick off. Wilson to kick off. Oh, I can see there the
Chairman of the By-ways and Highways Committee who's obviously
recovered from that very nasty blow he got in that loose ball in the
first half. (opposite them the All Blacks kick off) And
Wilson kicks off and it's the Town Clerk's taken the ball
beautifully there, the All Blacks are up on it very fast and the
whistle has gone. I'm not quite sure what happened there, I couldn't
see, but there's a scrum down. I think it's an All Blacks' ball.
'They were upon them very fast. Obviously they're going to try very
hard in this half to wipe out this five-point deficit. Derby Council
eight points to three up and Derby Council have got the ball against
the head. There is the Borough Surveyor, the scrum-half is out of
the ... er, the Chairman of the Highway and By-way Committee who's
kicked for touch. The line out - and it's into the line out and the
Mayor has got the ball again. To the Borough Surveyor who's left out
the Medical Officer of Health. Straight along the line to the Lady
Mayoress and the Lady Mayoress has got to go through. Number two has
missed her - he's taken to the full back - only the full back to
beat and she has scored! The Lady Mayoress has scored, it's eleven
points to three.
(Caption on screen: 'NEW ZEALAND 3 DERBY COUNCIL 11' Cut to
linkman and Cliff Morgan.)
Linkman: (MICHAEL) Cliff, this must have been a very
disappointing result for the All Blacks.
Cliff: (Welsh accent) Well, they've had very bad
luck on the tour so far. They missed four very easy kicks against
the Exeter Amateur Operatic Society, which must have cost them the
match and then of course there was that crippling defeat at the
hands of the Derry and Toms Soft Toy Department, so I don't think
they can be really fancying their chances against the London Pooves
on Saturday.
Linkman: And what about China?
Cliff: Well, whether Mao Tse Tung is alive or not, Lin
Piao has a stranglehold on central committee which Lin Shao Chi
can't break, so it remains to be seen whether Chou En Lai can really
get his finger out and get going in the second half.
Linkman: Well, thank you Cliff. Tonight's other
outstanding match was the semi-final between the Bournemouth
Gynecologists and the Watford Long John Silver Impersonators. We
bring you edited highlights of the match.
(Rapid montage of goals scored by competent gynecologists
wearing surgical gowns and caps, against totally incompetent and
immobile LJSI team who simply stand round going 'aaah! Jim lad' as
the goals rain in. The ball is tucked off-screen. Sudden cut to
studio. A presenter is standing in front of curtain; he catches the
ball thrown from off. He smiles.)
Presenter: Well, that's about it for tonight ladies and
gentlemen, but remember if you've enjoyed watching the show just
half as much as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enjoyed it twice
as much as you. Ha, ha, ha.
(The sixteen-ton weight falls on him. Cut to montage of scenes
of destruction, buildings falling down, bombs etc. Roll credits
over.)