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French Subtitled Film

The cast:

STIG
Terry Jones
GIRL
Carol Cleveland
PHIL
Eric Idle

The sketch:

(Exterior large rubbish dump. Hand-held camera tracks to girl in simple white dress with red hair fourteen foot long, who is sitting on a chair holding a cabbage in her hands. After a time Stig, in white jeans, shirt and scarf enters shot and stands around uneasily.)

Stig: Bonjour.

(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD MORNING')

Girl: Bonjour.

(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD MORNING')

Pause. Stig looks uneasy, glancing at camera.

Stig: II fair beau ce matin.

(SUBTITLE: 'IT'S A NICE DAY')

Girl: Oui, oui.

(SUBTITLE: 'YES, YES')

Stig: D'accord...

(SUBTITLE: 'HEAR HEAR')

Stig: Venez-vous ici souvent?

(SUBTITLE: 'DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?')

Girl: Oui.

(SUBTITLE: 'YES')

Stig: Ah. Bon. Bon.

(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD, GOOD')

Pause.

Stig: Je vois que vous avez un chou.

(SUBTITLE: 'I SEE THAT YOU HAVE A CABBAGE')

Girl: ' Oui.

(SUBTITLE: 'YES')

Stig starts to laugh falsely, and then the girl joins in. It is a miserable attempt to capture joy and togetherness. The girl stops laughing before Stig does.

Stig: Certainement il fair beau ce matin.

(SUBTITLE: 'IT CERTAINLY IS A LOVELY DAY ALL RIGHT')

Stig wanders out of shot but is very obviously' pushed back into the picture.

Stig: Je suis revolutionnaire.

(SUBTITLE: 'I AM A REVOLUTIONARY')

Girl: Oh.

Stig: Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit?

(SUBTITLE: 'WHAT DID YOU SAY?')

Girl: J'ai dit 'oh'.

(SUBTITLE: 'I SAID "OH"')

Stig: Ah. Tres interessant.

(SUBTITLE: 'AH. VERY INTERESTING')

Cut to pimply youth in studio.

Phil: Brian Distel and Brianette Zatapathique there in an improvised scene from Jean Kenneth Longueur's new movie 'Le Fromage Grand'. Brian and Brianette symbolize the breakdown in communication in our modern society in this exciting new film and Longueur is saying to us, his audience, 'go on, protest, do something about it, assault the manager, demand your money back'. Later on in the film, in a brilliantly conceived montage, Longueur mercilessly exposes the violence underlying our society when Brian and Brianerte again meet on yet another rubbish dump.

(Different part of same dump, but not very different. Girl is still on chair but this time with a head of lettuce. Then Stig enters shot.)

Stig: Bonjour encore.

(SUBTITLE: 'HELLO AGAIN')

Girl: Bonjour.

(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD MORNING')

Stig: Je vois que aujourd'jui vous avez une co-laitue.

(SUBTITLE: 'I SEE YOU'VE GOT A WEBB'S WONDER TODAY')

Girl: Oui.

Stig: Bon.

(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD')

Intercut quick shot from war film: machine-gunner in plane.

Stig: Il fair beau encore.

(SUBTITLE: 'IT'S A LOVELY DAY AGAIN')

Shot of Paris riots and clubbing.

Girl: Oui.

(SUBTITLE: 'YES')

Stig: Bon.

(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD')

Shot of Michael being struck on head with a club by John.

Stig: Vous pouvez dire 'a encore.

(SUBTITLE: 'IT CERTAINLY IS A LOVELY DAY ALL RIGHT')

Shot of collapsing building, then a man at a piano (Graham); the lid slams on his hands.

Stig: Certainement il fair beau ce matin.

(SUBTITLE: 'IT CERTAINLY IS A LOVELY DAY ALL RIGHT')

Shot of aeroplanes bombing. Shot of chef receiving arrow in chest. Shot of girl kicking tall man on shin. Shot of rockets being fired from plane.

Girl: Oui.

(SUBTITLE: 'YES)

Shot of hydrogen bomb.'

Stig: Il fait beau bier. Ha ha ha.

(SUBTITLE: 'IT WAS LOVELY YESTERDAY. HA HA HA')

Shot of ack ack gun. Shot of man receiving a punch in the head from a boxing glove. Shot of nun kicking a policeman in the crutch.

Girl: Ha ha.

(SUBTITLE: 'HA HA. HA HA. HA HA.')

Shot of Spitfire. Shot of Korean soldier; then man being beheaded.

Stig: Quel surprise de vous voir encore.

(SUBTITLE: 'WHAT A SURPRISE TO SEE YOU AGAIN')

Shot of Paris riots. Shot of man having his foot stamped on. Shot of blazing building. Shot of man being poked in the eye with an umbrella. Shot of battleship firing broadside. Shot of man in underpants having a bucket of water thrown over him. Shot of soccer violence. Shot of man bring knifed by a Greek Orthodox priest.

Girl: Je t'aime.

(SUBTITLE: 'I LOVE YOU')

Stig: Je t'aime.

(SUBTITLE: 'I LOVE YOU')

They smile at each other happily for a moment. Then they hear something ticking. They listen carefully for a moment and then both start to look fearfully at the head of lettuce. After a moment of terror the head of lettuce explodes, in slow motion, blowing them apart. As tatters and pieces of the head of lettuce float through the air in slow motion, the camera pans down to some autumn leaves. Freeze frame.

(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'FIN')

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