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Monty Python ScriptsThere's Been a MurderThe cast:
The sketch:(Cut to room, with doctor, mother, and son. White arrow superimposed, pointing to the room in general.) Voice Over: Number 29: The interior of a country house. Doctor: That's not a part of the body. Mother: NO, it's a link though. Son: I didn't think it was very good. Doctor: No, it's the end of the series, they must be running out of ideas. (Inspector Muffin the Mule bursts through the door.) Muffin: All fight, don't anybody move, there's been a murder. Mother: A murder? Muffin: No... no ... not a murder... no what's like a murder only begins with B? Son: Birmingham. Muffin: No ... no ... no ... no ... no... Doctor: BurnIey? Muffin: Burnley - that's right! Burnley in Lancashire. There's been a Burnley. Son: Burglary. Muffin: Burglary. Yes, good man. Burglary - that's it, of course. There's been a burglary. Doctor: Where? Muffin: In the back, just below the rib. Doctor: No - that's murder. Muffin: Oh... er no... in the band... In the bat... Barclays bat. Son: Barclays Bank? Muffin: Yes. Nasty business - got away with £23,000. Son: Any clues? Muffin: Any what? Son: Any evidence as to who did it? Muffin: (sarcastically) Any clues, eh? Oh, we don't half talk posh, don't we? I suppose you say 'ehnvelope' and 'larngerie' and 'sarndwiches on the settee'! Well this is a murder investigation, young man, and murder is a very serious business. Doctor: I thought you said it was a burglary. Muffin: Burglary is almost as serious a business as murder. Some burglaries are more serious than murder. A burglary in which someone gets stabbed is murder! So don't come these petty distinctions with me. You're as bad as a judge. Right, now! The first thing to do in the event of a breach of the peace of any kind, is to... go... (pause) and ... oh, sorry, sorry, I was miles away. Doctor: Ring the police? Muffin: Ring the police. Yes, that's a good idea. Get them over here fast ... no, on second thoughts, get them over here slowly, so they don't drop anything. Mother: Shall I make us all a cup of tea? Muffin: Make what you like, Boskovitch - it won't help you in court. Mother: I beg your pardon? Muffin: I'm sorry, sorry. That's the trouble with being on two cases at once. I keep thinking I've got Boskovitch cornered and in fact I'm investigating a Burnley. Son: Burglary. Muffin: Burglary! Yes - good man. (Sound of police siren and sound of ears drawing up outside.) Doctor: Who's Boskovitch? Muffin: Hah! Boskovitch is a Russian scientist who is passing information to the Russians. Son: Classified information? Muffin: Oh, there he goes again! 'Classified information'! Oh, sitting on the 'settee' with our 'scones' and our 'classified information'! (The door opens and a plainclothes detective plus ten PCs (the Fred Tomlinson Singers) enter.)
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Monty
Python Scripts
