Monty Python Scripts

There's Been a Murder

The cast:

DOCTOR

John Cleese

MOTHER

Carol Cleveland

SON

Graham Chapman

MUFFIN

Michael Palin

The sketch:

(Cut to room, with doctor, mother, and son. White arrow superimposed, pointing to the room in general.)

Voice Over: Number 29: The interior of a country house.

Doctor: That's not a part of the body.

Mother: NO, it's a link though.

Son: I didn't think it was very good.

Doctor: No, it's the end of the series, they must be running out of ideas.

(Inspector Muffin the Mule bursts through the door.)

Muffin: All fight, don't anybody move, there's been a murder.

Mother: A murder?

Muffin: No... no ... not a murder... no what's like a murder only begins with B?

Son: Birmingham.

Muffin: No ... no ... no ... no ... no...

Doctor: BurnIey?

Muffin: Burnley - that's right! Burnley in Lancashire. There's been a Burnley.

Son: Burglary.

Muffin: Burglary. Yes, good man. Burglary - that's it, of course. There's been a burglary.

Doctor: Where?

Muffin: In the back, just below the rib.

Doctor: No - that's murder.

Muffin: Oh... er no... in the band... In the bat... Barclays bat.

Son: Barclays Bank?

Muffin: Yes. Nasty business - got away with £23,000.

Son: Any clues?

Muffin: Any what?

Son: Any evidence as to who did it?

Muffin: (sarcastically) Any clues, eh? Oh, we don't half talk posh, don't we? I suppose you say 'ehnvelope' and 'larngerie' and 'sarndwiches on the settee'! Well this is a murder investigation, young man, and murder is a very serious business.

Doctor: I thought you said it was a burglary.

Muffin: Burglary is almost as serious a business as murder. Some burglaries are more serious than murder. A burglary in which someone gets stabbed is murder! So don't come these petty distinctions with me. You're as bad as a judge. Right, now! The first thing to do in the event of a breach of the peace of any kind, is to... go... (pause) and ... oh, sorry, sorry, I was miles away.

Doctor: Ring the police?

Muffin: Ring the police. Yes, that's a good idea. Get them over here fast ... no, on second thoughts, get them over here slowly, so they don't drop anything.

Mother: Shall I make us all a cup of tea?

Muffin: Make what you like, Boskovitch - it won't help you in court.

Mother: I beg your pardon?

Muffin: I'm sorry, sorry. That's the trouble with being on two cases at once. I keep thinking I've got Boskovitch cornered and in fact I'm investigating a Burnley.

Son: Burglary.

Muffin: Burglary! Yes - good man.

(Sound of police siren and sound of ears drawing up outside.)

Doctor: Who's Boskovitch?

Muffin: Hah! Boskovitch is a Russian scientist who is passing information to the Russians.

Son: Classified information?

Muffin: Oh, there he goes again! 'Classified information'! Oh, sitting on the 'settee' with our 'scones' and our 'classified information'!

(The door opens and a plainclothes detective plus ten PCs (the Fred Tomlinson Singers) enter.)

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