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Monty Python Scripts

Camp Square-bashing

The cast:

Michael Palin
John Cleese

The sketch:

(Cut to interviewer at desk.)

Interviewer: Next week we'll be showing you how to pick up an architect, how to pull a prime minister, and how to have fun with a wholesale poulterer. But now the men of the Derbyshire Light Infantry entertain us with a precision display of bad temper.

Voice Over: Attention

(Eight soldiers in two ranks of four, They halt, and start to chant with precision.)

Soldiers: bly goodness me, I am in a bad temper today all right, two, three, damn, damn, two, three, I am vexed and ratty. (shake fists) Two, three, and hopping mad. (stamp feet)

(Cut to interviewer.)

Interviewer: And next the men of the Second Armored Division regale us with their famous close order swanning about.

(Cut to sergeant with eight soldiers.)

Sergeant: Squad. Camp it ... up!

Soldiers: (mincing in unison) Oooh get her! Whoops! I've got your number ducky. You couldn't afford me, dear. Two three. I'd scratch your eyes out. Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Whoops, don't look now girls the major's just minced in with that dolly color sergeant, two, 'three, ooh-ho!

(Cut to interviewer.)

Interviewer: And finally...

(ANIMATION: dancing generals, man shooting an eyeball out of his head, bus stop, and then the story of the killer cars.)

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