(A cocktail party in Dulwich. Quiet party-type music. Constant
Host: Ah, John. Allow me to introduce my next-door
neighbour. John Stokes, this is A Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Git.
Mr. Git: Hello, I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross
your face for a moment just then, but you needn't worry - I'm used
to it. That's the trouble of having a surname like Git.
John: Oh ... yes, yes.
Mr. Git: We did think once of having it changed by
deed-poll, you know - to Watson or something like that. But A
Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Watson's just as bad eh?
John: Yes, yes, I suppose so.
(Mrs. Git approaches.)
Mr. Git: Oh, that's my wife. Darling! Come and meet Mr...
what was it?
John: Stokes-John Stokes.
Mr. Git: Oh yes. John Stokes, this is my wife, Dreary Fat
John: Oh, er, how do you do.
Mrs. Git: How do you do.
(Mrs. Stokes appears.)
Mrs. Stokes: Darling, there you are!
John: Yes, yes, here I am, yes.
Mr. Git: Oh, is this your wife?
John: Yes, yes, yes, this is the wife. Yes. Um darling,
these, these are the Gits.
Mrs. Stokes: (slightly shocked) What?
John: The Gits.
Mr. Git: Oh, heaven's sakes we are being formal. Does it
have to be surnames?
John: Oh, no, no. Not at all. No. Um, no, this... this...
this is my wife Norah, er, Norah Jane, Norah Jane Stokes. This is
Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Git. And this is his wife Dreary Fat
Boring Old Git.
Mr. Git: I was just telling your husband what an awful
bore it is having a surname like Git.
Mrs. Stokes: (understanding at last) OH Oh well,
it's not that bad.
Mr. Git: Oh, you've no idea how the kids get taunted. Why,
only last week Dirty Lying Little Two-Faced came running home from
school, sobbing his eyes out, and our youngest, Ghastly Spotty
Horrible Vicious Little is just at the age when taunts like 'she's a
git' really hun. Yes.
(Mrs. Git gobs colorfully into her handbag.)
John: Do ... do you live round here?
Mr. Git: Yes, we live up the road, number 49 - you can't
miss it. We've just had the outside painted with warm pus.
John: (with increasing embarrassment) Oh.
Mr. Git: Yes. It's very nice actually. It goes nicely with
the vomit and catarrh we've got smeared all over the from door.
Mrs. Stokes: I think we ought to be going. We have two
children to collect.
Mr. Git: Oh, well, bring them round for tea tomorrow.
Mrs. Stokes: Well...
Mr. Git: It's Ghastly Spotty Cross-Eyed's birthday and
she's having a disemboweling party for a few friends. The Nauseas
will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus, and the Rectums from
Voice Over: (and caption) 'And Now a Nice Version
of That Same Sketch'
(Cut to exactly the same set-up as before.)
Host: John! Allow me to introduce our next-door neighbor.
John, this is Mr. Watson.
Watson: Hello. I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross
your face just then but you needn't worry.
(Cut to nun.)
Nun: I preferred the dirty version.
(She is knocked out by the boxer. Cut to Women's Institute