Monty Python Scripts

Mr. and Mrs. Git

The cast:

HOST

Graham Chapman

MR. GIT

Terry Jones

JOHN

Michael Palin

MRS. GIT

John Cleese

MRS. STOKES

Carol Cleveland

VOICE OVER

Michael Palin

WATSON

Graham Chapman

NUN

Carol Cleveland

The sketch:

(A cocktail party in Dulwich. Quiet party-type music. Constant chatter.)

Host: Ah, John. Allow me to introduce my next-door neighbour. John Stokes, this is A Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Git. Ah!

Mr. Git: Hello, I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face for a moment just then, but you needn't worry - I'm used to it. That's the trouble of having a surname like Git.

John: Oh ... yes, yes.

Mr. Git: We did think once of having it changed by deed-poll, you know - to Watson or something like that. But A Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Watson's just as bad eh?

John: Yes, yes, I suppose so.

(Mrs. Git approaches.)

Mr. Git: Oh, that's my wife. Darling! Come and meet Mr... what was it?

John: Stokes-John Stokes.

Mr. Git: Oh yes. John Stokes, this is my wife, Dreary Fat Boring Old.

John: Oh, er, how do you do.

Mrs. Git: How do you do.

(Mrs. Stokes appears.)

Mrs. Stokes: Darling, there you are!

John: Yes, yes, here I am, yes.

Mr. Git: Oh, is this your wife?

John: Yes, yes, yes, this is the wife. Yes. Um darling, these, these are the Gits.

Mrs. Stokes: (slightly shocked) What?

John: The Gits.

Mr. Git: Oh, heaven's sakes we are being formal. Does it have to be surnames?

John: Oh, no, no. Not at all. No. Um, no, this... this... this is my wife Norah, er, Norah Jane, Norah Jane Stokes. This is Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Git. And this is his wife Dreary Fat Boring Old Git.

Mr. Git: I was just telling your husband what an awful bore it is having a surname like Git.

Mrs. Stokes: (understanding at last) OH Oh well, it's not that bad.

Mr. Git: Oh, you've no idea how the kids get taunted. Why, only last week Dirty Lying Little Two-Faced came running home from school, sobbing his eyes out, and our youngest, Ghastly Spotty Horrible Vicious Little is just at the age when taunts like 'she's a git' really hun. Yes.

(Mrs. Git gobs colorfully into her handbag.)

John: Do ... do you live round here?

Mr. Git: Yes, we live up the road, number 49 - you can't miss it. We've just had the outside painted with warm pus.

John: (with increasing embarrassment) Oh.

Mr. Git: Yes. It's very nice actually. It goes nicely with the vomit and catarrh we've got smeared all over the from door.

Mrs. Stokes: I think we ought to be going. We have two children to collect.

Mr. Git: Oh, well, bring them round for tea tomorrow.

Mrs. Stokes: Well...

Mr. Git: It's Ghastly Spotty Cross-Eyed's birthday and she's having a disemboweling party for a few friends. The Nauseas will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus, and the Rectums from Swanage.

Voice Over: (and caption) 'And Now a Nice Version of That Same Sketch'

(Cut to exactly the same set-up as before.)

Host: John! Allow me to introduce our next-door neighbor. John, this is Mr. Watson.

Watson: Hello. I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face just then but you needn't worry.

(Cut to nun.)

Nun: I preferred the dirty version.

(She is knocked out by the boxer. Cut to Women's Institute applause film.)

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