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Monty Python ScriptsMr. and Mrs. GitThe cast:
The sketch:(A cocktail party in Dulwich. Quiet party-type music. Constant chatter.) Host: Ah, John. Allow me to introduce my next-door neighbour. John Stokes, this is A Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Git. Ah! Mr. Git: Hello, I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face for a moment just then, but you needn't worry - I'm used to it. That's the trouble of having a surname like Git. John: Oh ... yes, yes. Mr. Git: We did think once of having it changed by deed-poll, you know - to Watson or something like that. But A Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Watson's just as bad eh? John: Yes, yes, I suppose so. (Mrs. Git approaches.) Mr. Git: Oh, that's my wife. Darling! Come and meet Mr... what was it? John: Stokes-John Stokes. Mr. Git: Oh yes. John Stokes, this is my wife, Dreary Fat Boring Old. John: Oh, er, how do you do. Mrs. Git: How do you do. (Mrs. Stokes appears.) Mrs. Stokes: Darling, there you are! John: Yes, yes, here I am, yes. Mr. Git: Oh, is this your wife? John: Yes, yes, yes, this is the wife. Yes. Um darling, these, these are the Gits. Mrs. Stokes: (slightly shocked) What? John: The Gits. Mr. Git: Oh, heaven's sakes we are being formal. Does it have to be surnames? John: Oh, no, no. Not at all. No. Um, no, this... this... this is my wife Norah, er, Norah Jane, Norah Jane Stokes. This is Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Git. And this is his wife Dreary Fat Boring Old Git. Mr. Git: I was just telling your husband what an awful bore it is having a surname like Git. Mrs. Stokes: (understanding at last) OH Oh well, it's not that bad. Mr. Git: Oh, you've no idea how the kids get taunted. Why, only last week Dirty Lying Little Two-Faced came running home from school, sobbing his eyes out, and our youngest, Ghastly Spotty Horrible Vicious Little is just at the age when taunts like 'she's a git' really hun. Yes. (Mrs. Git gobs colorfully into her handbag.) John: Do ... do you live round here? Mr. Git: Yes, we live up the road, number 49 - you can't miss it. We've just had the outside painted with warm pus. John: (with increasing embarrassment) Oh. Mr. Git: Yes. It's very nice actually. It goes nicely with the vomit and catarrh we've got smeared all over the from door. Mrs. Stokes: I think we ought to be going. We have two children to collect. Mr. Git: Oh, well, bring them round for tea tomorrow. Mrs. Stokes: Well... Mr. Git: It's Ghastly Spotty Cross-Eyed's birthday and she's having a disemboweling party for a few friends. The Nauseas will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus, and the Rectums from Swanage. Voice Over: (and caption) 'And Now a Nice Version of That Same Sketch' (Cut to exactly the same set-up as before.) Host: John! Allow me to introduce our next-door neighbor. John, this is Mr. Watson. Watson: Hello. I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face just then but you needn't worry. (Cut to nun.) Nun: I preferred the dirty version. (She is knocked out by the boxer. Cut to Women's Institute applause film.)
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Monty
Python Scripts
