(Mix through to a picture on a TV monitor and pull out from
monitor to reveal a studio set as for a late-night discussion
Interviewer: Mr. L.F. Dibley's latest film 'if'. (he
turns to Dibley) Mr. Dibley, some people have drawn comparisons
between your film, 'if', which ends with a gun battle at a public
school, and Mr. Lindsay Anderson's film, 'if', which ends with a gun
battle at a public school.
Dibley: Oh yes, well, I mean, there were some people who
said my film '2001 - A Space Odyssey', was similar to Stanley
Kubrick's. I mean, that's the sort of petty critical niggling that's
dogged my career. It makes me sick. I mean, as soon as I'd made
'Midnight Cowboy' with the vicar as Ratso Rizzo, John Schlesinger
rushes out his version, and gets it premiered while mine's still at
Interviewer: Well, we have with us tonight one of your
films, 'Rear Window', which was to become such a success for Alfred
Hitchcock a few weeks later. Now this is a silent film, so perhaps
you could talk us through it...
(Cut to a dim, shaky 8mm shot of a window. It is open. After a
few seconds a man appears and looks out. He then performs
over-exaggerated horror and points, looking at camera. Then he
disappears and then he reappears.)
Dibley: Yes, well, let's see now ... there's the rear
window. There's the man looking out of the window. He sees the
murder. The murderer's come into the room to kill him, but he's
outwitted him and he's all right. The End. I mean, Alfred Hitchcock,
who's supposed to be so bloody wonderful, padded that out to one and
a half hours ... lost all the tension ... just because he had bloody
Grace Kelly he made £3 million more than I did. Mind you, at least
she can act a bit, I could have done with her in 'Finian's Rainbow'
... The man from the off-license was terrible ... a real failure
that was - ten seconds of solid boredom.
(Cut to shaky titles: Mr. Dibley's 'Finian's Rainbow starring
the man from the off-license'. Cut to the man from the off-license
standing by a tennis-court. He wears a dress and appears to be
trying to say something - he has forgotten his words. He does an
unconvincing little dance. CAPTION: 'THE END')
Dibley: Bloody terrible.