Monty Python Scripts

Tobacconists (Prostitute Advert)

The cast:

CUSTOMER

Eric Idle

SHOPKEEPER

Terry Jones

The sketch:

(Camera closes in on a small ad, which is one of many on the door of a small newsagent's shop. A shabby man is running an evil eye down the adverts, puzzling, looking for something. He walks up to the counter. He has a reflex wink.)

Customer: Good morning.

Shopkeeper: Good morning, sir. Can I help you?

Customer: Help me? Yeah, I'll say you can help me.

Shopkeeper: Yes, sir?

Customer: I come about your advert - 'Small white pussy cat for sale. Excellent condition'.

Shopkeeper: Ah. You wish to buy it?

Customer: That's right. Just for the hour. Only I ain't gonna pay more'n a fiver cos it ain't worth it.

Shopkeeper: Well it's come from a very good home - it's house trained.

Customer: (long think, goes to door, looks at ads again) Chest of drawers? Chest. Drawers. I'd like some chest of drawers please.

Shopkeeper: Yes, sir.

Customer: Does it go?

Shopkeeper: Er, it's over there in the corner. (indicates a wooden chest of drawers)

Customer: Oh. (goes to door, runs his finger down the list of adverts) Pram for sale. Any offers. I'd like a bit of pram please.

Shopkeeper: Ah yes, sir. That's in good condition.

Customer: Oh good, I like them in good condition, eh? Eh?

Shopkeeper: Yes, here it is you see. (picks up pram)

Customer: (looks, pauses, goes back to the door, runs finger again) Babysitter. No, it's a babysitter. Babysitter?

Shopkeeper: Babysitter.

Customer: Babysitter - I don't want a babysitter. Be a blood donor - that's it. I'd like to give some blood please, argh! (shopkeeper shakes head) Oh spit. Which one is it? (shopkeeper slips him a card from out of his pocket) Blond prostitute will indulge in any sexual activity for four quid a week. What does that mean?

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