(Animation leads to a living room. Doorbell rings. Lady opens
the door, a milkman stands there.)
Milkman: Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake baker's man. Good morning,
madam, I'm a psychiatrist.
Lady: You look like a milkman to me.
Milkman: Good. (ticks form on his clipboard) I am
in fact dressed as a milkman... you spotted that - well done.
Lady: Go away.
Milkman: Now then, madam. I'm going to show you three
numbers, and I want you to tell me if you see any similarity between
them. (holds up a card saying '3' three times)
Lady: They're all number three.
Milkman: No. Try again.
Lady: They're all number three?
Milkman: No. They're all number three. (he ticks his
board again) Right. Now. I'm going to say a word, and I want you
to say the first thing that comes into your head. How many pints do
you want?
Lady: (narrowing her eyes, suspecting a trap) Er,
three?
Milkman: Yogurt?
Lady: Er... no.
Milkman: Cream?
Lady: No.
Milkman: Eggs?
Lady: No.
Milkman: (does some adding up and whistling) Right.
Well, you're quite clearly suffering from a repressive libido
complex, probably the product of an unhappy childhood, coupled with
acute insecurity in adolescence, which has resulted in an
attenuation of the libido complex.
Lady: You are a bloody milkman.
Milkman: Don't you shout at me, madam, don't come that
tone. Now then, I must ask you to accompany me down to the dairy and
do some aptitude tests.
Lady: I've got better things to do than come down to the
dairy!
Milkman: Mrs. Ratbag, if you don't mind me saying so, you
are badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment.
Now I'm not going to say a trip to our dairy will cure you, but it
will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good high.
Lady: All right... but how am I going to get home?
Milkman: I'll. run you there and back on my psychiatrist's
float.
Lady: All right.
(The milkman and lady walk down her garden path. As they go
out of the garden gate there's a cat on the garden wall. Caption on
screen and arrow: 'A CAT' The cat explodes. The milkman motions her
towards the milk float with a large signboard which reads:
'Psychiatrist3 Dairy Lid'. Just as they are getting in, she points
to all the files in the back in milk crates.)
Lady: What are those?
Milkman: They're case histories. (drives off; the van 3
speaker announces: 'Psychiatrists! Psychiatrists!' The doctor from
the Scots sketch hails him) Yes, sir?
Doctor: Ah, good morning. I'm afraid our regular
psychiatrist hasn't come round this morning ... and I've got an ego
block which is in turn making my wife ever-assertive and getting us
both into a state of depressive neurosis.
Milkman: Oh, I see, sir. Who's your regular, sir?
Doctor: Jersey Cream Psychiatrists.
Milkman: Oh yes, I know them. (puts down crate and gets
out note pad) Right, well, er, what's your job, then?
Doctor: I'm a doctor.
Milkman: ... Didn't I see you just now under a Scotsman? .
Doctor: Yes, but I am a doctor. Actually, I'm a
gynecologist but that was my lunch hour.
Milkman: (taking a card out of crate and showing it to
the doctor) What does this remind you of?.
Doctor: Two pints of cream.
Milkman: Right... well I should definitely say you're
suffering from a severe personality disorder, sir, sublimating
itself in a lactic obsession which could get worse depending on how
much money you've got.
Doctor: Yes, yes, I see. And a pot of yogurt, please.
(Cut to a psychiatrist called Dr Cream in his office.)
Dr Cream: I would like to take this opportunity of
complaining about the way in which these shows are continually
portraying psychiatrists who make pat diagnoses of patients'
problems without first obtaining their full medical history.
(Cut back to milkman with doctor.)
Milkman: (handing over yogurt) Mind you, that's
just a pat diagnosis made without first obtaining your full medical
history.
(Cut to man at desk)
Man: I feel the time has come to complain about people who
make rash complaints without first making sure that those complaints
are justified.
(Cut to Dr Cream.)
Dr Cream: Are you referring to me?
(Cut back to man.)
Man: Not necessarily, however, I would like to point out
that the BALPA spokesman was wearing the British Psychiatric
Association Dinner Dance Club cuff-links.
(Cut to Dr Cream.)
Dr Cream: Oh yes, I noticed that too.
(Cut to BALPA man.)
BALPA Man: These are not British Psychiatric Association
Dinner Dance Club cuff-links.
(Cut to man.)
Man: Sorry.
(Cut to BALPA man.)
BALPA Man: They are in fact British Sugar Corporation
Gilbert-and-Sullivan Society cuff-links. It is in fact a sort of
in-joke with us lads here at BALPA. I think the last speaker should
have checked his facts before making his own rash complaint.
(Cut to Dr Cream.)
Dr Cream: Yes, that'll teach him.
(Cut to BALPA man.)
BALPA Man: However, I would just like to add a complaint
about shows that have too many complaints in them as they get very
tedious for the average viewer. (Cut to another man.)
Another man: I'd like to complain about people who hold
things up by complaining about people complaining. It's about time
something was done about it. (the sixteen-ton weight falls on
him)
(Cut to a street with milkman and lady riding on milk float.
It comes to a halt. They get out, milkman hails a milkmaid with yoke
and two pails.)
Milkman: Nurse! Would you take Mrs. Pim to see Dr Cream,
please.
Milkmaid: Certainly, doctor. Walk this way, please.
Lady: Oh, if I could walk that way I...
Milkman and Milkmaid: Sssssh!
(The milkmaid leads Mrs. Pim into a building, and into a
psychiatrist's office. Dr Cream is in a chair.)
Milkmaid: Mrs. Pim to see you, Dr Cream.
Dr Cream: Ah yes. I just want another five minutes with
Audrey. Could you show Mrs. Pim into the waiting room, please.
Milkmaid: Yes, doctor.
(As milkmaid and Mrs. Pim leave the room we see that there is
a cow on the couch.)
Dr Cream: Right, Audrey. When did you first start thinking
you were a 'cow?
(Milkmaid and Mrs. Pim emerge bin building through a herd of
cows and we then have a montage of shots of them walking through
countryside as in opening sequence of flying lesson sketch at
beginning of show.