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Monty Python Scripts

Hijacked Plane (to Luton)

The cast:

Michael Palin
Carol Cleveland
Terry Jones
John Cleese
John Cleese

The sketch:

Scene: The inside of the cockpit of an aeroplane. The door opens and a man in a neat suit enters. From beneath his jacket he produces a revolver with silencer attachment. He points it at the pilots.

Gunman: All right, don't anybody move ... except to control the aeroplane ... you can move a little to do that.

Hostess: Can I move?

Gunman: Yes, yes, yes. You can move a little bit. Yes. Sorry, I didn't mean to be so dogmatic when I came in. Obviously you can all move a little within reason. There are certain involuntary muscular movements which no amount of self-control can prevent. And obviously any assertion of authority on my part, I've got to take that into account.

(The ensuing conversation is perfectly calm and friendly.)

Second Pilot: Right. I mean one couldn't for example, stop one's insides from moving.

Gunman: No, no. Good point, good point.

Second Pilot: And the very fact that the plane is continuously vibrating means that we're all moving to a certain extent.

Gunman: And we're all moving our lips, aren't we?

Pilots: Yes, yes.

Second Pilot: Absolutely.

Gunman: No, the gist of my meaning was that sudden... er... Hostess Exaggerated movements ...

Gunman: Exaggerated violent movements... are... are out.

Second Pilot: Well, that's the great thing about these modern airliners. I mean, I can keep this plane flying with only the smallest movement and Pancho here doesn't have to move at all.

Gunman: Oh, that's marvellous.

Hostess: (joining in the general spirit of bonhomie) And I don't really need to move either ... unless I get an itch or something...

(They all laugh.)

Gunman: Well that's wonderful ... 6o% success, eh? (they laugh again) Anyway, bearing all that in mind, will you fly the plane to Luton, please?

Second Pilot: Well, this is a scheduled flight to Cuba.

Gunman: I know, I know, that's rather why I came in here with that point about nobody moving.

First Pilot: Within reason.

Gunman: Within reason - yes. I... er ... er... you know, I want you to fly this plane to Luton ... please.

Second Pilot: Right, well I'd better turn the plane round then. Stand by emergency systems.

Gunman: Look I don't want to cause any trouble.,

Second Pilot: No, no, we'll manage, we'll manage.

Gunman: I mean, near Luton will do, you know. Harpenden, do you go near Harpenden?

First Pilot: It's on the flight path.

Gunman: Okay, well, drop me off there. I'll get a bus to Luton. It's only twenty-five minutes.

Hostess: You can be in Luton by lunchtime.

Gunman: Oh, well that's smashing.

First Pilot: Hang on! There's no airport at Harpenden.

Gunman: Oh well, look, forget it. Forget it. I'll come to Cuba, and get a flight back to Luton from there.

Second Pilot: Well, we could lend you a parachute.

Gunman: No, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't dream of it... wouldn't dream of it... dirtying a nice, clean parachute.

First Pilot: I know - I know. There's a bale of hay outside Basingstoke. We' could throw you out.

Gunman: Well, if it's all right.

All: Sure, yeah.

Gunman: Not any trouble?

Pilots: None at all.

Gunman: That's marvellous. Thank you very much. Sorry to come barging in.

Hostess: Bye-bye.

Gunman: Thank you. Bye.

Pilots: Bye.

(They open the door and throw him out.)

Gunman: (as he falls) Thank you!

(Cut to haystack in a field (not the same bale of hay that was landed on before). Aeroplane noise overhead. The gunman suddenly falls into the haystack. He gets up, brushes himself down, hops over a fence, and reaches a road He puts his hand out and a bus stops. It has 'Straight to Luton' written on it. He gets in. Conductor is just about to take his fare, when an evil-looking man with a gun jumps up and points gun at conductor.)

Hijacker: Take this bus to Cuba.

(Bus moving away flora camera. The destination board changes to 'Straight to Cuba'. The bus does a speeded up u-turn, and goes out of frame·)

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