Scene: The inside of the cockpit of an aeroplane. The door
opens and a man in a neat suit enters. From beneath his jacket he
produces a revolver with silencer attachment. He points it at the
Gunman: All right, don't anybody move ... except to
control the aeroplane ... you can move a little to do that.
Hostess: Can I move?
Gunman: Yes, yes, yes. You can move a little bit. Yes.
Sorry, I didn't mean to be so dogmatic when I came in. Obviously you
can all move a little within reason. There are certain involuntary
muscular movements which no amount of self-control can prevent. And
obviously any assertion of authority on my part, I've got to take
that into account.
(The ensuing conversation is perfectly calm and friendly.)
Second Pilot: Right. I mean one couldn't for example, stop
one's insides from moving.
Gunman: No, no. Good point, good point.
Second Pilot: And the very fact that the plane is
continuously vibrating means that we're all moving to a certain
Gunman: And we're all moving our lips, aren't we?
Pilots: Yes, yes.
Second Pilot: Absolutely.
Gunman: No, the gist of my meaning was that sudden...
er... Hostess Exaggerated movements ...
Gunman: Exaggerated violent movements... are... are out.
Second Pilot: Well, that's the great thing about these
modern airliners. I mean, I can keep this plane flying with only the
smallest movement and Pancho here doesn't have to move at all.
Gunman: Oh, that's marvellous.
Hostess: (joining in the general spirit of bonhomie)
And I don't really need to move either ... unless I get an itch or
(They all laugh.)
Gunman: Well that's wonderful ... 6o% success, eh?
(they laugh again) Anyway, bearing all that in mind, will you
fly the plane to Luton, please?
Second Pilot: Well, this is a scheduled flight to Cuba.
Gunman: I know, I know, that's rather why I came in here
with that point about nobody moving.
First Pilot: Within reason.
Gunman: Within reason - yes. I... er ... er... you know, I
want you to fly this plane to Luton ... please.
Second Pilot: Right, well I'd better turn the plane round
then. Stand by emergency systems.
Gunman: Look I don't want to cause any trouble.,
Second Pilot: No, no, we'll manage, we'll manage.
Gunman: I mean, near Luton will do, you know. Harpenden,
do you go near Harpenden?
First Pilot: It's on the flight path.
Gunman: Okay, well, drop me off there. I'll get a bus to
Luton. It's only twenty-five minutes.
Hostess: You can be in Luton by lunchtime.
Gunman: Oh, well that's smashing.
First Pilot: Hang on! There's no airport at Harpenden.
Gunman: Oh well, look, forget it. Forget it. I'll come to
Cuba, and get a flight back to Luton from there.
Second Pilot: Well, we could lend you a parachute.
Gunman: No, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't dream of it...
wouldn't dream of it... dirtying a nice, clean parachute.
First Pilot: I know - I know. There's a bale of hay
outside Basingstoke. We' could throw you out.
Gunman: Well, if it's all right.
All: Sure, yeah.
Gunman: Not any trouble?
Pilots: None at all.
Gunman: That's marvellous. Thank you very much. Sorry to
come barging in.
Gunman: Thank you. Bye.
(They open the door and throw him out.)
Gunman: (as he falls) Thank you!
(Cut to haystack in a field (not the same bale of hay that was
landed on before). Aeroplane noise overhead. The gunman suddenly
falls into the haystack. He gets up, brushes himself down, hops over
a fence, and reaches a road He puts his hand out and a bus stops. It
has 'Straight to Luton' written on it. He gets in. Conductor is just
about to take his fare, when an evil-looking man with a gun jumps up
and points gun at conductor.)
Hijacker: Take this bus to Cuba.
(Bus moving away flora camera. The destination board changes
to 'Straight to Cuba'. The bus does a speeded up u-turn, and goes
out of frame·)