Monty Python Scripts

The Undertakers Sketch

The cast:

MAN

John Cleese

UNDERTAKER

Graham Chapman

FRED

Eric Idle

The sketch:

Man: (entering a shop) Um, excuse me, is this the undertaker's?

Undertaker: Yup, that's right, what can I do for you, squire?

Man: Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. My mother has just died and I'm not quite sure what I should do.

Undertaker: Ah, well, we can 'elp you. We deal with stiffs.

Man: (aghast) Stiffs?

Undertaker: Yea. Now there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.

Man: Dump her?

Undertaker: Dump her in the Thames.

Man: (still aghast) What?

Undertaker: Oh, did you like her?

Man: Yes!

Undertaker: Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think: burn her, or bury her?

Man: Um, well, um, which would you recommend?

Undertaker: Well they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead. But quick. And then you get a box of ashes, which you can pretend are hers.

Man: (timidly) Oh.

Undertaker: Or, if you don't wanna fry her, you can bury her. And then she'll get eaten up by maggots and weevils, nibble, nibble, nibble, which isn't so hot if, as I said, she's not quite dead.

Man: I see. Um. Well, I.. I.. I.. I'm not very sure. She's definitely dead.

Undertaker: Where is she?

Man: In the sack.

Undertaker: Let's 'ave a look.

(FX: rustle of bag opening)

Undertaker: Umm, she looks quite young.

Man: Yes, she was.

Undertaker: (over his shoulder) FRED!

Fred: (offstage) Yea!

Undertaker: I THINK WE'VE GOT AN EATER!

Fred: I'll get the oven on!

Man: Um, er...excuse me, um, are you... are you suggesting we should eat my mother?

(pause)

Undertaker: Yeah. Not raw, not raw. We cook her. She'd be delicious with a few french fries, a bit of stuffing. Delicious! (smacks his lips)

Man: What! (he stammers)

(pause)

Man: Actually, I do feel a bit peckish - No! NO, I can't!

Undertaker: Look, we'll eat your mum. Then, if you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards, we can dig a grave and you can throw up into it.

Man: All right.

Monty Python Scripts

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