(Cut to Reggie Bosanquet (the real one) at the 'News at Ten'
set. He is reading.)
Reggie: ... despite the union's recommendation that the
strikers should accept the second and third clauses of the agreement
arrived at last Thursday. (the National Anthem starts to play in
the background and Reggie stands, continuing to read) Today saw
the publication of the McGuffie Commission's controversial report on
treatment of in-patients in north London hospitals.
(A hospital: a sign above door says 'Intensive Care Unit'. A
group of heavily bandaged patients with crutches, legs and arms in
plaster, etc., struggle out and onto a courtyard.)
First Doctor: Get on parade! Come on! We haven't got all
day, have we? Come on, come on, come on. (the patients painfully
get themselves into line) Hurry up ... right! Now, I know some
hospitals where you get the patients lying around in bed. Sleeping,
resting, recuperating, convalescing. Well, that's not the way we do
things here, right! No, you won't be loafing about in bed wasting
the doctors' time. You - you horrible little cripple. What's the
matter with you?
1st Patient: Fractured tibia, sergeant.
First Doctor: 'Fractured tibia, sergeant'? 'Fractured
tibia, sergeant'? Ooh. Proper little mummy's boy, aren't we? Well,
I'll tell you something, my fine friend, if you fracture a tibia
here you keep quiet about it! Look at him! (looks more closely)
He's broken both his arms and he don't go shouting about it, do he?
No! 'Cos he's a man - he's a woman, you see, so don't come that
broken tibia talk with me. Get on at the double. One, two, three,
pick that crutch up, pick that crutch right up.
(The patient hobbles off at the double and falls over.)
1st Patient: Aaargh!
First Doctor: Right, squad, 'shun! Squad, right turn.
Squad, by the left, quick limp! Come on, pick 'em up. Get some air
in those wounds.
(Cut to second doctor. He is smoking a cigar.)
Second Doctor: (to camera) Here at St Pooves, we
believe in ART - Active Recuperation Techniques. We try to help the
patient understand that however ill he may be, he can still fulfill
a useful role in society. Sun lounge please, Mr. Griffiths.
(Pull back to show doctor sitting in a wheelchair. A bandaged
patient wheels him off.)
2nd Patient: (MICHAEL) I've got a triple fracture of the
right leg, dislocated collar bone and multiple head injuries, so I
do most of the heavy work, like helping the surgeon.
Interviewer's Voice: What does that involve?
2nd Patient: Well, at the moment we're building him a
Interviewer's Voice: What about the nurses?
2nd Patient: Well, I don't know about them. They're not
allowed to mix with the patients.
Interviewer's Voice: Do all the patients work?
2nd Patient: No, no, the ones that are really ill do
(Cut to bandaged patients on a cross-country run.)
Voice Over: Yes, one thing patients here dread are the
(The patients climb over a fence with much difficulty. One
Interviewer's Voice: How are you feeling?
3rd Patient: Much better.
(Shots of patients doing sporting activities.)
Voice Over: But patients are allowed visiting. And this
week they're visiting an iron foundry at Swindon, which is crying
out for unskilled labor. ('Dr Kildare' theme music; shot -
doctors being manicured having shoes cleaned etc. by patients)
But this isn't the only hospital where doctors' conditions are
(Sign on wall: 'St Nathan's Hospital For Young, 'Attractive
Girls Who Aren't Particularly Ill. Pan down to a doctor.)
Third Doctor: Er, very little shortage of doctors here. We
have over forty doctors per bed - er, patient. Oh, be honest. Bed.
(Sign: 'St Gandalf's Hospital For Very Rich People Who Like
Giving Doctors Lots Of Money'. Pull back to show another doctor.)
Fourth Doctor: We've every facility here for dealing with
people who are rich. We can deal with a blocked purse, we can drain
private accounts and in the worst eases we can perform a total
cashectomy, which is total removal of all moneys from the patient.
(Sign: 'St Michael's Hospital For Linkmen '. Pan down to
Fifth Doctor: Well, here we try to help people who have to
link sketches together. We try to stop them saying 'Have you ever
wondered what it would be like if' and instead say something like
um... er... 'And now the mountaineering sketch'.